Climbing Weight
When it comes to weight and body dysmorphia, we cyclists can go toe-to-toe with any thirteen year old tween who has done their time flipping through the pages of Vogue and Sixteen. However fit and thin we might be, at some point it dawns on us that we’re not as light as we could be. The obvious solution is to buy lighter parts for our bikes, but eventually we will run out of parts to buy or money to spend. At that point, we’ll have no alternative but to start losing weight.
On the surface, this is a fairly simple matter; calories in minus calories out is the magic to any weight loss voodoo, right up to the point where it stops working because the “calories in” part deviates from our lifestyle or our metabolism decides we’re old and that since everything else is slowing down, it should too.
It is at this juncture that we ask ourselves how we can lose those kilos that seem unwilling to melt from our bodies. The answer varies depending on your lifestyle, body type, how loud your Awesome is, and your ideal riding weight. (By the way, similarly to the number of bikes to own, your ideal riding weight is one kilo less than your current weight, or weight ideal = weight current – 1). But assuming that you enjoy eating, alcohol, or anything else that doesn’t suck, it will require doing something drastic.
My journey through weight loss started with doing everything the same but riding more until that program stalled, and then I started doing sit-ups and leg lifts, both of which meet the aforementioned suck requirement. And then I cut back on beer and wine, which sucks even more, but that’s when things really started happening. A surprising side-effect of cutting down on booze, by the way, is that although you get less charismatic, you feel better in general and sleep better in addition to losing weight. It turns out that alcohol is a poison or something. Who knew?
But now that my V-Jersey isn’t stretched like a balloon on a pumpkin, I’ve moved on to worrying about my upper body, which is bigger than a typical cyclist’s thanks to 15 or so years of nordic ski racing. Which brings me to Ullrich’s sleeves. I have always had it in my mind that Jan and I are of similar physique, aside from the quads and calves and the devilishly good looks. But my stupid sleeves are always tight, and his were always loose. I take off my jersey, and sure enough, there’s that little mark that the sleeves made on each of my arms. Infuriating. The only solution is to focus completely on wasting my upper body into nothing.
Since I’m not doing anything outrageous like routinely lifting weighty objects or doing pushups, the only conclusion I can draw is that I’m carrying too many groceries into the house at once. I’ve therefor moved to a strict regimen of only carrying one gallon of milk at a time. It takes twice as long to unload the car that way, but all that walking is good for my cardio, you just have to push through the pain. I also alternate hands every few strides if I’ve parked more than a hundred meters from the house in order to avoid becoming lopsided.
Finally, if this latest program doesn’t work out as well as I expect it to, I’ve also realized that while carbohydrates are an athlete’s friend in terms of providing easy energy to burn during a workout, they are heavy on the fork, and repetitively lifting forkloads of pasta into my mouth may be what’s causing my shoulders to bulk up unnecessarily. I’m therefor on the lookout for a healthy food source that can be drank from a straw or something in pellet form that I can peck out of a bowl.
It’s drastic, sure, but drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’m determined to get there eventually.
@Xyverz
My daughter (9) has been getting funny lately about any bugs or crawly things in the house – while we were on holiday in France she was creeping out about a daddy long legs in the hallway outside her room.
She was complaining in disbelieving tones, wondering why I was not roaming the house smiting anything with more than four legs, so I had to list for her all the REAL bugs, snakes and spiders I encountered on a regular basis as a child in Australia.
As they are all usually described as being capable of killing a small child, I guess we did well just to grow up.
Do they have anything dangerous in NZ… apart from boiling mud ? And sheep STDs of course.
@Marcus It pains me greatly, however, Pammy is Canadian.
@Marcus
You must have had a blast taking a piss out of my ignorant countrymen while you were here. Next time you should make a feature-length film of it.
@Xyverz
“West Island,” good one. BTW how did your Kiwiness not emerge on the Cogal? The West Islanders weren’t represented. Typical.
I finally found a use for my pull-up bar!
The VMH told me today that my head looked like an orange on a toothpick. I almost shed a tear, it made me so happy.
@frank
Well done, mate. I was told the exact opposite regarding myself….my head looks like a toothpick on an orange.
@frank
The Colonel puts a secret ingredient in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly!
I misremembered it slightly.
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=TPMS6tGOACo&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DTPMS6tGOACo
Wait, wait, wait! How many people are in the pentaverate?
Five!
How many Keepers?
Do you find yourself inexplicably returning to this site on a regular basis?
See? See?!!
@frank
I received the strangest of looks from the VMH based on my reaction when she told me my collarbone is looking disgusting because for the first time since it was put in she can see the plate sticking out under the skin…the joy I felt was palpable!!!
@mcsqueak
Which, despite the serendipity of the titlet, is not the one where Mel Gibson is already insane.
Generally I don’t learn post on blogs, but I would like to say that this write-up very forced me to try and do it! Your writing style has been amazed me. Thank you, very great article.
So I have to lose 4kg in the next 3 weeks to be ready for cyclocross season.
Other than cutting beer and food from my diet, what should I do?
@G’rilla
Pray?
Wait, I know the answer. Ride your bike, a lot.
@seemunkee
@Teocalli
+1!
All carbs post-noon should be replaced by bourbon, scotch, or beer and Haagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche.
@japan-fishing.net
And all your base are belong to us, Algorithm-san.
@PeakInTwoYears
I guess that that is based on that list all being well known zero carb recovery food. Most especially #2 and #4.
@G’rilla – Sadly, I suspect you already know the answer to this. If you are not already riding 50K+ three times a week, best get to it. If you already are, then make it 5 times. And….at least one 100K ride per week. You are a far more accomplished Velominatus than I; so I apologize if you are already putting in 300K per week and 5000M. Oatmeal and OJ for breakfast, nothing more – you can substitute Honey Nut Cheerios with fruit for the oatmeal. Pasta at lunch (never at dinner) and no dinner after 6PM. Eat fish for protein three times per week – fish tacos, yum! Booze on weekends only. Oh, and did I mention riding the bike?
@G’rilla
You wouldn’t want to be prime weight for the start of the season. Give yourself 6 weeks which works out at about 100 grams to lose a day.
I’m racing for the first time in a local CX league in October. It’ll be my first competitive sporting event since a lack lustre performance at school sports day in 1988.
@G’rilla
I know of two surefire ways of achieving this.
contract amoebic dysentry
or
two weeks in Belize on a jungle warfare course.
i am not entirely sure which is preferable….have a beer and think it over!
@G’rilla the only thing I would add is no food on rides under 2 hours, I can drop 3kg in a month by not drinking my usual 2 beers a nite FWIW.
@G’rilla
have a look at cyclingtips.com.au
there’s a discussion on there about high fat low carb diets for cyclists.
I’m one week into the experiment. I’ll let you know how it goes.
@mouse
I’ll be interested to hear your experience. My wife and I did it at the start of the new year, aiming for < 50 gm carb per day. We lasted about 4-5 weeks and had to stop being so strict as we simply had no gas for our respective athletic activities. No weight loss then BUT, keeping the high fat and being a little more ad lib with the carbs, I've dropped 4-5 kg since and am lighter than I've been in 15 years. High fat is great at curbing appetite. So I'll be skinny for my coronary bypass surgery. Best of luck.