Categories: Accessories and GearLa Vie VelominatusLook ProRantings from the V-Bunker

Goldilocks Principle: The Golden Ratio

The Goldilocks Principle in full effect.

There is a disturbance in the V. I have felt it for some time, and I suspect many of you have as well. The matter has to do with the ever increasing length of bibshorts and socks, approaching the knee like two lionesses stalking their prey in the savanna.

Tracing back to the origin of this trend, we find ourselves irrevocably wagging our judging finger at none other than Lance Armstrong. Personally, I find his foray into tall, black socks and long bibshorts far more offensive than his doping; at least his doping respected the history of the sport whereas his choice of sock and bib length was an affront to taste and style with long lasting effect.

Sock lengths have been heading steadily upwards over the past decade; once the only sock available was a white 3/4 sock but today we have socks of all lengths, shapes, and sizes. Bibshorts used to be mid-thigh or less, whereas now they fall just shy of the knee. It is outrageous and the Pros, to whom we look to for cues on style, are setting the trend. It is a disgrace.

I say enough is enough. This foul trend must come to an end. We cultivate our massive guns with great pride, yet these cover their magnificence with long shorts and socks.

Reveal the V in order to Feel the V. Bibshorts must not migrate below the uppermost point of the inverted V created by our quadriceps.
Avoid the chokehold. As much as we want to Reveal The V, we don’t want to go around choking the flow off by wearing our bibs too high. Bibshorts should come at least to the midpoint of the thigh.
Sockless is about as bad as riding in a speedo (I’m looking at you, triathletes.) A fellow joined a group ride not too long ago wearing ankle socks and I made him go sort that shit out before we started the ride. Some things just aren’t done.
Compression socks are for recovery only. Maybe not even that. And knee-high socks or only for sassy women Cyclocrossers. Maybe. But they absolutely, unequivocally are not for riding on the road. Seriously.
Settle into Zone 3. Just like training in zones, we want to keep our socks in the right zones as well. The optimum sock length rests at a point of your choosing within a range of 2cm above or below the narrowest point of your shin.

Help stave off the apocalypse and bring balance back to the V. Friends don’t let friends violation the Goldilocks Principle.

Sock length as decreed by our friend @winnipegcyclechick

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next Oversharing on the Group Ride »

Previous « Shit Gets Real

View Comments

wiscot says:

Mar 1 2016 at 10:26 am

@Buck Rogers

Sagan doing the WC jersey justice wearing the black bibs over the weekend. He and Lizzie must use the same tailor.

Yup, hairy legs aside, you can't fault Pinchy's kit. (ok, the toe covers are a bit naff) but other than that, a welcome return to WC kit sanity.
emerson says:

Mar 1 2016 at 10:37 am

@chuckp

I kinda like “clashing” and making a “statement” with my socks. And honestly don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks about it.

I think we can all agree that no one would "give a shit" about your particular socks anyway.
frank says:

Mar 1 2016 at 12:04 pm

@Sparty

I’ll be the first to post in defense of the pros. The professional teams are all sponsored, from head-to-toe, by some very major cycling apparel brands. These misguided apparel designers obviously are oblivious of the Rules. I have listened to their argument that a longer set of bibs provide muscle compression which, in theory, can help reduce gun fatigue. They also argue that a longer length bib short can have a marginal aero advantage when the right materials are used. Regardless of their rationale, the pros must wear what the team sponsors provide. I would like to see a pro, any pro, eschew the long bib shorts by rolling under the bottom third of the leg and thus showing the apparel sponsors and other self-respecting pros how a kit is to be worn.

Just because the bibs are long doesn't mean they have to be worn long. Lycra compresses just fine, just put the gripper where it needs to be and even a little bunching at the hip is no big deal.

And all teams get a variety of sock lengths and the tall one's don't have more branding than the shorter ones. It is one thing and one thing only: savagery!

I can not argue in defense of the non-pro who purchases these “fashionable” long legged shorts or too tall/too small sock. That is on you brothers and sisters and your tan lines are going to suck!

Some sense.
frank says:

Mar 1 2016 at 12:07 pm

@litvi

You guys comin or what?

I would have thought you'd have been more stylish than to use a windows machine. I literally have no idea whether Velominati even works on a PC.
frank says:

Mar 1 2016 at 12:11 pm

@RobSandy

@Harminator

And can someone tell me who the very first picture in the slideshow is? It’s driving me nuts.

Its Hinault. TDF Prologue 1981. Stud.

(yep, I looked it up).

Thought it must be but doesn’t really look like him. He’s got the right grimace though.

Doesn't look like Hinault? Rubbish.

Is this more familiar?

Or this?

Or this?

Or this?
frank says:

Mar 1 2016 at 12:12 pm

@Oli

I'm happy to see the Paris-Roubaix tubs on that Bianchi of yours.

Friends don't let friends ride clinchers. Put some sensible wheels on that gorgeous bike!
frank says:

Mar 1 2016 at 12:15 pm

@hudson

question- This is possibly one of the first articles I’ve read in recent history (the past 3ish years) where Armstrong wasn’t referred to as Pharmstrong, COTHO, or some other name. Has he served his suspension in the eyes of the Velominati?

Nope. Still a cunzor.

@Buck Rogers

God DAMN! My day is complete now after viewing this picture.

(suppose I should read the article at some point but not until after a ride inspired by the one and only Tommeke)

It is so good to have your ADD back in the bunch, dude.

@Buck Rogers

@EBruner

LOVE the bike. Is it yours???

As for the lengths: Shorts too long and socks too short, no? Maybe the socks are just cutting it.

Ding ding! We have a winner!
frank says:

Mar 1 2016 at 12:19 pm

@teleguy57

Met Steve this weekend at NAHBS. Such a great guy. Beautiful bike, one of their Maglia Rosa's is definitely in the Want Queue.

@Buck Rogers

Sagan doing the WC jersey justice wearing the black bibs over the weekend. He and Lizzie must use the same tailor.

Has he finally shaved his legs? I've been looking and I can't tell.
frank says:

Mar 1 2016 at 12:21 pm

@wiscot

They both petitioned the UCI to let them ride with all black bibs. Full class on that. So good!
Buck Rogers says:

Mar 1 2016 at 12:25 pm

@frank

Ya, sorry about the gazillion posts today, Frahnk. The VMH let me have three espressos this morning and I forgot to take the meds as well.

Fuck, what are you going to do, eh?