Categories: Accessories and GearExportRantings from the V-Bunker

Inanimate Objects

Sometimes it just comes down to a staring contest.

I have a love-hate relationship with inanimate objects. I appreciate them for their utility, but I genuinely have no patience for their insubordination. Take, for example, bungee cords. By far the most mischievous object in existence, the only thing you can be sure to hook with them is your pant leg. The second-most misbehaving inanimate object, in case you’re wondering, are those pieces of debris that specialize in sticking to windshield wipers precisely at eye level.

Cycling is the most beautiful sport in the world, and the bicycle itself the most elegant and sophisticated piece of equipment in history. Yet, I have rarely descended into such a fit of rage as by a malfunctioning drive train. On good days, the inconvenience distracts me from what would otherwise be a day of near-perfect grace. On bad days, it drags my morale from the toilet into the septic system.

The descent into madness caused by a mysterious mechanical problem involves several steps. Observe:

Calmly come to a stop at the roadside, being careful to ooze a Casually Deliberate nature. Inspect the machine for cause. Make an adjustment which is likely to exacerbate the problem.
Repeat (1) until problem has become severe or elusive enough to have exhausted your ability to exhibit a calm demeanor.
Accuse the bicycle of being born out of wedlock. If no improvement is observed in the operation of the machine, threaten it with dismemberment, death, or recycling. Dismount and stare at it sternly. Attempt to startle bicycle into submission by slamming the wheels on the tarmac. Remount.
If problem persists, hurl bicycle into bushes. Immediately regret the decision, replace rage with overwhelming panic, and check to make sure they were soft bushes.
Repent, buy your her some flowers, and apologize. Get her home to the workshop for a nice bath and an overhaul.

The obvious challenge here is the circumvention of Rule #65, so we should not make a habit of this. But sometimes the stubbornness of an insubordinate inanimate object is simply too dumbfounding to offer us any viable alternative.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Oli says:

Dec 16 2016 at 5:44 pm

If I ever catch anyone throwing their bike anywhere, I'll throw them into the bushes.
Spankles says:

Dec 16 2016 at 6:01 pm

Well, get ready to chuck Frank. I bear witness to him throwing his baby into prickly bushes on CA 155.
Spankles says:

Dec 16 2016 at 6:02 pm

@Spankles

Well, get ready to chuck Frank. I bear witness to him throwing his baby into prickly bushes on CA 150.
BaltimoreDutch says:

Dec 16 2016 at 7:09 pm

It's the season. Every year when the temps drop (-6C/21F today) shifting gets erratic; skipping gears. The derailleur cable shortens and needs a little tweaking, after which it is smooth again until spring - or one of these crazy warm East Coast winter days. Can't recall ever throwing my bike - but the memory isn't what it used to be.
Owen says:

Dec 16 2016 at 9:49 pm

What's the saying? Like hitting an invisible car? Maybe you should consider something direct drive. Like a unicycle.
ccunix says:

Dec 16 2016 at 10:26 pm

@Oli depends how much style they throw it with. David Millar's casual toss over the barrier has always had me applauding quietly
Mark Elliott says:

Dec 17 2016 at 12:15 am

@ccunix

There's a wonderful one of Wiggins hurling his bike away, only for the bike to bounce and skip, and settle to a perfect lean against a wall. Talk about Casually Deliberate. The bike that is, not Wiggo.
Edo says:

Dec 17 2016 at 12:27 am

guilty of all of the above, except buying the flowers. I did have to buy them for the VMH though as a result of step 4.

Something i did do (being young and naive at the time) is utterly destroy a nice set of wheels by taking them out of my bike and throwin/smashing them on the tarmac that were not coöperating.

Being older and much calmer (would't say wiser) now i seem to be mostly stuck on steps 1&2. Step 2 seems to be quite entertaining for other road users.
Oli says:

Dec 17 2016 at 4:38 am

@Spankles

No. Seriously?

@ccunix

@Mark Elliott

I can grudgingly admire the style of those throws (and Bjarne Riis' one in '97) but it still totally grinds my gears to see bicycles treated like trash.
wiscot says:

Dec 17 2016 at 5:55 am

Of course, Messers Wiggins, Riis and Millar can chuck their bikes because there's another brand new, pristine machine waiting for them. We mere mortals are not so fortunate.

Check out the size of the chain on Coppi's bike. That thing is a beast! Nice cut out on the BB shell though . . .