Categories: Accessories and Gear

Study of a Toolbag: The Assos Guy

Until I started wearing the sacred threads of the V-Kit, I believed firmly that Assos produced the finest clothes in cycling.  Their winter clothes are toasty-warm and lack the bulk of most winter garb, while no epidermal cell has ever been lost to chaffing while wearing a pair of FI.13 bibs.

For a company who has such a stellar reputation in the construction of cycling clothing, I can’t understand why they have hired a sullen-faced body-builder who would look less out of place delivering lines like, “Hello, I understand your pipes need to be checked” than he does modeling cycling clothes.  That said, it does appear he has a talent for flexing every muscle in his body simultaneously – including those in his toes, and I suppose I can admire that.

That talent aside, take the photo in this article, which I found on The Google. I assume he’s demonstrating how to ride the Batcycle projectile, but  that’s not really a bicycle and is also fictional; as such I can’t see the relevance of wearing a pair of bibshorts while pretending to ride one.  Besides, everyone knows you need a cape to ride any of Batman’s gear. It’s protocol.

I also don’t understand why a company like Assoss would hire a guy with a shirt allergy to model their clothes. After all, since I am to understand Assos also sells jerseys, I would have thought it a sound business decision to find a candidate who, in addition to pulling off an excellent Blue Steel, should also be able to occasionally drape a garment over his chiseled abs.  But, as they say, hind-sight is 20-20, and since I wasn’t there, I shouldn’t pass judgement on their decisions.  Besides, they seem to have repeated the decision when choosing the model for their womens line, so maybe it’s part of their strategy.

In any case, for a company who makes the worlds second-best cycling kit, I recommend they shift to a marketing scheme that involves using people who occasionally ride bicycles to model their clothes.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • Besides, they seem to have repeated the decision when choosing the model for their womens line, so maybe it's part of their strategy.

    Exactly. By using a half-clothed male model, they can justify using a half-clothed female model. Equal rights and all that. Strangely she happens not to be a sullen-faced body-builder. And whilst she may not be a Velomihottie, she has a certain charm.

    So I'm not complaining. On no. Instead, I'm sending them another 120 of my hard-earned British pounds for a pair of bibshorts. Great shorts yes, but daylight robbery nonetheless. But the pain of parting with my cash is matched by the pleasure of handing it over to the pump-wielding, half clothed, Assos girl.

    Clever, these Swiss ....

  • @Ken
    Actually, if I understand correctly (my Swiss isn't that good), it's the guy who handles the money.

  • @ken,

    but how often are you going to be buying women's cycling clothing? Or do you just read the catalogue to pass the time on the toilet?

    My velomihottie hates the Assos (and Castelli) marketing for their women's lines. She'd probably not buy their stuff on that principle.

  • There's something a little Matrix-y about all this, isn't there? That and the bold assertion that I've spent a lot of money on my kit if I'm wearing Assos, which I've never been too fond of. I've been perfectly happy with my Castelli and Cannondale bibs...

  • @Marko
    Could be him. Last I heard, post-docs at Montana State didn't make a decent wage. Mind you, he's not cut like a beer and bacon guy...

  • To me, looks like he's taking an aerodynamic dump - especially the last photo.

    That's okay though, Assos probably also sells a trick carbon fiber pooper scooper.....

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