Categories: Accessories and GearLook ProRantings from the V-Bunker

The Pain of Adolescence

Casually Deliberate embodied to the bones.

There are three subjects you should not bring up in new company: Politics, Saddle Bags, and Helmets. In my experience, in fact, politics are a much safer subject with a stranger than that of the cursed EPMS; no subject I’ve ever broached has been met with more vitriol. Except maybe the use of helmets. I’m not going to advocate for helmets today, apart from stating that I wear one religiously. On the contrary, today’s lesson is about how bad helmets look.

They are monumentally awkward contraptions whose design heritage stems, apparently, from prototype simian Astronaut technology. Starting with the flowing locks of a champions paving a road in pure V, every head accessory looks slightly less awesome. From there, the cycling cap is the most stylish option, and barring that, the hairnet (ideally over a cycling cap.) Case closed, end of discussion.

The maturation from this ideal has been painful, complete with puberty and oozy zits. A friend of mine in highschool had such a horrible pubescent experience that he spent an alarming number of days with band-aides on his face. Cycling’s helmet evolution was worse. Observe.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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universo says:

Oct 15 2015 at 11:54 am

light and durable _ not a problem _ a stormtrooper edition would be awesome!
frank says:

Oct 15 2015 at 11:56 am

@Barracuda

Whilst I wholeheartedly agree we should be wearing helmets, ( I dont leave home without my beloved and trusty Bell Volt ) and my kids even whack them on at home riding round the back yard.

Its law here in OZ to wear helmets now. There was nothing better than the extra freedom that accompanied a ride on my faithful malvern star dragster in my youth than that of being helmetless. I would be gone all days on that thing. No such thing as n+1 back then for me. It was the #1, #9, the fat bike and the Cyclocross bike.

Sans helmet is the equivalent to me of driving around with the sunroof open in our car and sticking my scone up through it like an exciting dog with its head out the window.

When the boffins at Apple design an implant that goes in my forehead to act like an airbag and ditch the helmet, I’ll be all over it like a fat kid in a donut shop.

So much gold in this. Especially the bolded bit.
frank says:

Oct 15 2015 at 11:59 am

@Puffy, @sthilzy

Guy up the street from me rides his bike in his rock climbing helmet. I keep wanting to pull him aside and letting him know that helmet is designed for taking impacts only from the top...
universo says:

Oct 15 2015 at 12:01 pm

@Nelson

@Deakus

Thank you. I thought I was the only one that hated those ridiculous POC helmets -__-

Lazer 02

LAS Squalo

KASK 50

Are my weapons of head security.

POC (which included a black reflective) has exceeded my KASK _ intended for rear viewing

and purest white scheme on the market
frank says:

Oct 15 2015 at 12:03 pm

@dyalander

I have Chronic Kristoff’s Syndrome. Most of you see that pic and scoff or recoil in horror, but I’ll never forget when I saw him blast over the line arms aloft and helmet jauntily askew. To know that it wasn’t just me, that there was an actual condition and a pro was a fellow sufferer; it really means a lot to be able to put a name and a face other than my own to the disease. CKS can be life threatening – it’s hard not to fixate on every reflective surface you pass to try and make sure your illness isn’t shamefully apparent. I’ve tried thicker foam inserts, MIPS, various rear fastening systems, caps underneath, the list goes on. It can lead you to begin to question your physiology. Unfortunately, there is no cure for CKS. I just have to try to keep a level head and take it one ride at a time.

You didn't need to wait for Kristoff - Bing had it, too.
universo says:

Oct 15 2015 at 12:09 pm

@Deakus

so much protecting the back of the head too
universo says:

Oct 15 2015 at 12:16 pm

@frank

BELL should be on everyone's winning list
scaler911 says:

Oct 15 2015 at 12:24 pm

@frank

@Puffy, @sthilzy

Guy up the street from me rides his bike in his rock climbing helmet. I keep wanting to pull him aside and letting him know that helmet is designed for taking impacts only from the top…

And Merckx forbid you get some well meaning assclown yelling at you while you're halfway up a sketchy, run out slab "hey dude, those stickers on your helmet make it less effective". I'm sure a sticker is going to make the difference between life and death when I take a 30ft whipper.

But back to cycling helmets, how does one tuck their eye ware into the vents on a POC? And if you can, it has to look like 9 miles of shit.
universo says:

Oct 15 2015 at 12:26 pm

@Deakus

fixed your post
Bianchi Denti says:

Oct 15 2015 at 12:27 pm

@paolo

I’m rarely moved to comment on here though I always read the articles but fuck me the sheer amount of casually deliberate in that lead picture almost gave me a boner. Almost.

Regarding lids…LAS Victory ftw. Sure its not aero. Its light, its Italian and its the best looking lid out there.

+1 That lead photo is the best I can remember appearing on this site. And there has been a lot of great photos!