Categories: Accessories and GearLook ProRantings from the V-Bunker

The Pain of Adolescence

Casually Deliberate embodied to the bones.

There are three subjects you should not bring up in new company: Politics, Saddle Bags, and Helmets. In my experience, in fact, politics are a much safer subject with a stranger than that of the cursed EPMS; no subject I’ve ever broached has been met with more vitriol. Except maybe the use of helmets. I’m not going to advocate for helmets today, apart from stating that I wear one religiously. On the contrary, today’s lesson is about how bad helmets look.

They are monumentally awkward contraptions whose design heritage stems, apparently, from prototype simian Astronaut technology. Starting with the flowing locks of a champions paving a road in pure V, every head accessory looks slightly less awesome. From there, the cycling cap is the most stylish option, and barring that, the hairnet (ideally over a cycling cap.) Case closed, end of discussion.

The maturation from this ideal has been painful, complete with puberty and oozy zits. A friend of mine in highschool had such a horrible pubescent experience that he spent an alarming number of days with band-aides on his face. Cycling’s helmet evolution was worse. Observe.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next Reverence: Chris King Espresso Tamper »

Previous « Velominati Super Prestige: Chrono des Nations Les Femmes 2015

View Comments

universo says:

Oct 15 2015 at 8:20 pm

@frank

think BRIKO
Chipomarc says:

Oct 15 2015 at 8:34 pm

Every once in a while I still will grab one of these for a retro ride.
Barracuda says:

Oct 15 2015 at 8:56 pm

Bell helmets design team when they first saw the POC design team efforts
frank says:

Oct 15 2015 at 9:25 pm

@Paul Sluder

EEGADS!

I’ve been cycling for over 40 years and I’ve worn them all: from the leather hairnet, to the Bell V-1 Pro (ouch, very heavy), to the skid lid (sans visor), to a very nice upper echelon Specialized topper.

There was even a time when it was cycling cap only. But as I grew older, I became a bit more self-aware and wanted not for my noggin’ to look like a busted pumpkin post-halloween. Here in Florida, current laws require only children under the age of 16 to wear an approved helmet. The rest of us, well, we’re subject to our own foolishness.

That's an encouraging law. As my dad used to day, "If you don't wear a helmet, you don't need one."
frank says:

Oct 15 2015 at 9:27 pm

@universo

Obviously, it looks great on Morpheus.
Uncle V says:

Oct 15 2015 at 9:29 pm

Seems this lid has been forgotten, up until now .
craigyboywonder says:

Oct 16 2015 at 2:26 am

@universo @frank

surely your having a laugh, bell is the worst of the ("aero") lot

http://www.bellhelmets.com/bellsports/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/ap-team-profile-lotto-nl-jumbo.jpg
rfreese888 says:

Oct 16 2015 at 3:11 am

Saw a couple of these guys riding home on their bikes after training yesterday. Their hurlies were sticking up out of their kit bags worn as back packs.

So many rules being broken but they still looked like proper hard men!
KW says:

Oct 16 2015 at 6:12 am

@universo

@frank

think BRIKO

Think Sauron?
universo says:

Oct 16 2015 at 7:08 am

@KW

yes. (article lead photo) Briko eyewear on Marco's head inspired me think to look for Stingers _ and found the Fuoco helmet