Categories: Accessories and GearLook ProRantings from the V-Bunker

The Pain of Adolescence

Casually Deliberate embodied to the bones.

There are three subjects you should not bring up in new company: Politics, Saddle Bags, and Helmets. In my experience, in fact, politics are a much safer subject with a stranger than that of the cursed EPMS; no subject I’ve ever broached has been met with more vitriol. Except maybe the use of helmets. I’m not going to advocate for helmets today, apart from stating that I wear one religiously. On the contrary, today’s lesson is about how bad helmets look.

They are monumentally awkward contraptions whose design heritage stems, apparently, from prototype simian Astronaut technology. Starting with the flowing locks of a champions paving a road in pure V, every head accessory looks slightly less awesome. From there, the cycling cap is the most stylish option, and barring that, the hairnet (ideally over a cycling cap.) Case closed, end of discussion.

The maturation from this ideal has been painful, complete with puberty and oozy zits. A friend of mine in highschool had such a horrible pubescent experience that he spent an alarming number of days with band-aides on his face. Cycling’s helmet evolution was worse. Observe.

  • Thank you sir, may I have another.
  • If your name is Pantani, you can also do the bandana.
  • Solid effort, but fuck off. I'd rather wear a giant tampon.
  • Ok, solid effort, even for a Euro.
  • What. (With a period, not a question mark.)
  • "Maaaaaaaaate. You got your head stuck in something while you were shooting up."
  • I think Indianna Jones is trying to return your helmet to the city of gold.
  • These are two seriously class studs, much more than any of us, and they only just make this work.
  • Now we're getting somewhere.
  • A second time, just to prove its real.
  • Three times lucky. Its real.
  • Wait, we're back to this again? We already covered this. Tampon, remember?
  • Did you do this on purpose?
frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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  • @rfreese888

    Saw a couple of these guys riding home on their bikes after training yesterday. Their hurlies were sticking up out of their kit bags worn as back packs.

    So many rules being broken but they still looked like proper hard men!

    I don't believe there are any hurlers in the world who aren't Hard Men. Beautiful sport, those guys are nails.

  • How about a similar article covering eyewear?  Oakley Eyeshades evolving into smaller and more stylish offerings, and now heading into another huge one lens era (POC ugh).  Of course Brikos would be a fantastic love/hate subplot.

    Re: Denim shorts. I don't always use emojis, but when I do, I use the puke emoji.

  • @PT

    @slatanic

    Case Closed ……

    George Lucas called, you’re wanted on set in 10.

    This is one seriously ugly helmet.  It doesn't even matter if it were the most aero helmet on the planet.

  • @Jay

    @PT

    @slatanic

    Case Closed ……

    George Lucas called, you’re wanted on set in 10.

    This is one seriously ugly helmet.  It doesn’t even matter if it were the most aero helmet on the planet.

    There is a SERIOUS disturbance in the force when you knowingly or unknowingly replicate one of the most hated creatures in the galaxy.....

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frank
9 years ago

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