Categories: Accessories and GearRantings from the V-Bunker

To Bidon Or Not To Bidon

This is a gordon, not a bidon.

This is serious, people. I hope you’re sitting down. Really. Sit down. Not a half sit. A real sit. Both cheeks. If you’re reading this on your phone, put the phone away and wait until you are sitting behind a computer like a civilized person.

Ready? Deep breath.

I have it on the excellent authority of my French friend Anne that that this is what a bidon looks like, not this.

I told you to sit down. My initial reaction was one of defiance and disbelief. I even suggested that I understood Le Langue du Peloton better than she does. In her infinite grace and my infinite obtuseness and ever-increasing volume, she almost conceded this as a possible explanation to this ground-rattling revelation.

There is something seriously fishy going on in this here petri dishy if what we as a collective of Cyclists – even those in France – have referred to as bidons are actually giant plastic jugs that are more commonly strapped to backs of Jeeps and motos than bicycles. Maybe we would take a bidon in the car to the start of a big ride, to fill up what we should probably be calling une gourde. Madness.

Cornered, I sought the advice of my good friend William, who represents one half of both Pavé Cycling Classics and Malteni Beer. He replied with his usual delicacy and the natural charm that I assume made him a good sprinter:

Tell her to fuck off. Was she born in the 50’s? For fuck’s sake. We haven’t called them gourdes since before the war when they were metal and were stopped up with corks. For fuck’s sake.

The only conclusion I can come to is that when the plastic bottle was introduced, some bright spark called it a bidon half as a pisstake and half as a way to distinguish this novelty from the traditional bar-mounted bottle. And we’ve been confusing the non-Cycling French population ever since.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Buck Rogers says:

Jan 27 2016 at 5:01 am

@ChrisO

Exactly! I was going to say the same thing. The white noise of rollers/trainers are perfect for kiddos. Just make sure that you secure those kids in a crib or something. As they get older they start to move around and God help you if they get near the wheels!!!
wilburrox says:

Jan 27 2016 at 5:02 am

@Ron

@the Engine

I am officially older than Fuck. Fuck is a mere child compared to me. However, I can still ride a bike and Fuck cannot throw a leg over the top tube.

I am not old as fuck. However, for the first time in my life I’ve started to feel old. Or, I guess I should say, think old. Instead of just charging ahead every single day, I’ve found myself thinking about the future and about how long ago some great experiences were. They weren’t “a few years ago” anymore. And the more basic…what am I do? why am I here? Suddenly I’ve been slapped with an existential slump!

I think a few things are at work. I’m finally calming down, some. I’m finally getting my arse outta graduate school and “growing up.” I own a home. I am married. And the VMH is pregnant. Maybe I’m just at a check-in point?

Dude, 50 is the new 30 and you - just outa grad school and preggers VMH - gotta be just a punk a** kid. Cheers
Buck Rogers says:

Jan 27 2016 at 5:06 am

@RobSandy

I haven’t got time to know my right from my left!

But do you have time to bleeeeed???
wilburrox says:

Jan 27 2016 at 5:11 am

@RobSandy

@Ron

@the Engine

I think a few things are at work. I’m finally calming down, some. I’m finally getting my arse outta graduate school and “growing up.” I own a home. I am married. And the VMH is pregnant. Maybe I’m just at a check-in point?

I remember thinking when my wife was pregnant that it would probably mean the end of all my fun. In reality, it’s just the start. Just a different sort of fun.

Also, road riding is one of the most compatible sports I can think of with a baby/small child. You can get a lot done in 1-1.5 hrs, so as soon as they go down for a nap, get the lycra on and get out on the road.

There is only one issue with kids. And that is that multiples of n+1 can be expensive and ultimately relegate your car to outside the garage. But if the little ones don't make you laugh at least once/day then you're not paying attn. Cheers
RobSandy says:

Jan 27 2016 at 5:22 am

@ChrisO

@RobSandy

Parenting forums and groups abound with stories about switching on hairdryers, TV static and other white noise – I put many miles on our car because sticking our eldest in the back and driving around west London was the best way to get him into a deep sleep.

A turbo trainer is the perfect thing. Feed him/her, plonk them down, jump on the bike and I guarantee you will get a good couple of hours riding. Better still, send your wife out and don’t let on, then reap the brownie points from your genius at getting the baby to sleep so well. She’ll probably let you go out for a ride !

This man's a genius. We used to sit ours in front of the tumble dryer.
RobSandy says:

Jan 27 2016 at 5:24 am

@Buck Rogers

@RobSandy

I haven’t got time to know my right from my left!

But do you have time to bleeeeed???

Also genius. I managed to get that line into a game of cricket. The ball came towards me at midwicket too fast for me to get a hand down so I stuck a foot out - it bounced off my foot and straight into my onrushing mouth. Spat some blood out, said 'Aint got time to bleed' and carried on with the game.
chuckp says:

Jan 27 2016 at 6:06 am

@Ron

I think a few things are at work. I’m finally calming down, some. I’m finally getting my arse outta graduate school and “growing up.” I own a home. I am married. And the VMH is pregnant. Maybe I’m just at a check-in point

Congrats! Fatherhood will test your patience, but is a great thing. Share your passion for bikes, but let your child try everything and decide for themself what they want to do. My daugher rides, but I'm a golf dad as golf is what she excels at and loves to play.
Ron says:

Jan 27 2016 at 7:35 am

Thanks for all the words of wisdom! I really appreciate the serious suggestions and the fun ribbing as well. I'm excited. Most of my friends have 1-2 kids so I'm happy to be joining that pack. Grew up with lots of younger cousins, so got pretty used to babies, changing them, feeding them, etc. I know I'm not fully prepared, but I definitely not freaked out by young children.

And great suggestion on the trainer, ChrisO! My parents are actually coming through town this weekend and I can ask them to bring my rollers, which have lived in my closet at home since I moved to a much warmer climate. Perfect timing!

I'm sure riding will continue in some form, as the VMH knows I need to be active. She already gave the go ahead for me to serve for two more years on a local cycling advocacy group.

Chuck - we have a local park and a local university that are great places for cross riding. Going to get the Velominipper on a back as soon as possible. I played all sorts of sports growing up and still play soccer, as well as ride. I think team sports teach GREAT life lessons, so I'll encourage them to play. Mostly though, I'm sure they'll just see the benefits of physical activity, whether organized sports or hiking or whatever.

Thanks again! Always fun to hear good suggestions and tales from those who've broken this ground already.
chuckp says:

Jan 27 2016 at 9:00 am

@Ron

Chuck – we have a local park and a local university that are great places for cross riding. Going to get the Velominipper on a back as soon as possible. I played all sorts of sports growing up and still play soccer, as well as ride. I think team sports teach GREAT life lessons, so I’ll encourage them to play. Mostly though, I’m sure they’ll just see the benefits of physical activity, whether organized sports or hiking or whatever.Thanks again! Always fun to hear good suggestions and tales from those who’ve broken this ground already.

Get a bike trailer. Great way to get a workout and spend some quality time with your Velominipper. Most of the time, they'll just nap while you have to pedal harder to haul the extra weight.
Ron says:

Jan 27 2016 at 12:54 pm

Oh yes, I'm looking forward to a bike trailer! I have been holding on to an old beat up mtn. bike to recondition and repurpose for towing the child. I live right next to a university with a large campus. It has a jogging path that is good for low-speed cycling (it's allowed) and also a nice, long, straight campus road with a wide sidewalk and a bike path. Both good places to take the kiddo!

In all honesty, my biggest fear is having to use a car more often, as I currently ride a bike exclusively. (and I can't stand how inattentive, reckless, and rude drivers are to other motorists) Thankfully, I should be able to bike him to school once he starts. A neighbor already tows his kid to school with a trailer.