Categories: Accessories and GearRantings from the V-Bunker

To Bidon Or Not To Bidon

This is a gordon, not a bidon.

This is serious, people. I hope you’re sitting down. Really. Sit down. Not a half sit. A real sit. Both cheeks. If you’re reading this on your phone, put the phone away and wait until you are sitting behind a computer like a civilized person.

Ready? Deep breath.

I have it on the excellent authority of my French friend Anne that that this is what a bidon looks like, not this.

I told you to sit down. My initial reaction was one of defiance and disbelief. I even suggested that I understood Le Langue du Peloton better than she does. In her infinite grace and my infinite obtuseness and ever-increasing volume, she almost conceded this as a possible explanation to this ground-rattling revelation.

There is something seriously fishy going on in this here petri dishy if what we as a collective of Cyclists – even those in France – have referred to as bidons are actually giant plastic jugs that are more commonly strapped to backs of Jeeps and motos than bicycles. Maybe we would take a bidon in the car to the start of a big ride, to fill up what we should probably be calling une gourde. Madness.

Cornered, I sought the advice of my good friend William, who represents one half of both Pavé Cycling Classics and Malteni Beer. He replied with his usual delicacy and the natural charm that I assume made him a good sprinter:

Tell her to fuck off. Was she born in the 50’s? For fuck’s sake. We haven’t called them gourdes since before the war when they were metal and were stopped up with corks. For fuck’s sake.

The only conclusion I can come to is that when the plastic bottle was introduced, some bright spark called it a bidon half as a pisstake and half as a way to distinguish this novelty from the traditional bar-mounted bottle. And we’ve been confusing the non-Cycling French population ever since.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Ron says:

Jan 19 2016 at 8:32 am

@PantaniForever

@Ccos

It’s ok to say “bidon” and “gillet” but order a “medium” at Starbucks, right?

I thought so.

I refuse to order coffee by the stupid names they have for small, medium, or large much to my spouse’s chagrin. It causes the robotic like person on the register all sorts of consternation. I hate getting coffee there anyways.

Good god, if you are going to use boring crutch drugs, at least brew your own. The world is a shittier place with the same three chains on every corner around the globe.
GogglesPizano says:

Jan 19 2016 at 8:37 am

@girl

‘Both cheeks.’ I’m stealing that.

Also going to use that one on my boys at the diner table tonight!
PeakInTwoYears says:

Jan 19 2016 at 9:10 am

@pistard

Bidon obviously comes from the same root as bidet, and they both squirt water into an orifice. Ce qu’il fallait démontrer.

Tout à fait. C'est évident.
PeakInTwoYears says:

Jan 19 2016 at 9:11 am

And, mes amis, it's "gilet," not "gillet."
DavyMuur says:

Jan 19 2016 at 9:20 am

Sometimes native speakers of a particular language are the worst people to ask about the nuances of that language. For them the language is set in stone and not fluid and constantly evolving as it in fact is.

Bidon has its origins in old Norse and most likely entered the French language through the Scandinavian settlement of NW France. That was quite a long time ago, but the word likely survived in the regional dialect for some time before becoming part of the language of cycling.
frank says:

Jan 19 2016 at 9:36 am

@jimmy

+1 badge you, matey! Classic!
EBruner says:

Jan 19 2016 at 9:50 am

@Ron

@PantaniForever

@Ccos

It’s ok to say “bidon” and “gillet” but order a “medium” at Starbucks, right?

I thought so.

I refuse to order coffee by the stupid names they have for small, medium, or large much to my spouse’s chagrin. It causes the robotic like person on the register all sorts of consternation. I hate getting coffee there anyways.

Good god, if you are going to use boring crutch drugs, at least brew your own. The world is a shittier place with the same three chains on every corner around the globe.

This!
PeakInTwoYears says:

Jan 19 2016 at 10:34 am

@DavyMuur

Sometimes native speakers of a particular language are the worst people to ask about the nuances of that language. For them the language is set in stone and not fluid and constantly evolving as it in fact is.

Bidon has its origins in old Norse and most likely entered the French language through the Scandinavian settlement of NW France. That was quite a long time ago, but the word likely survived in the regional dialect for some time before becoming part of the language of cycling.

There it is.

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/bidon#Etymology_2
Gianni says:

Jan 19 2016 at 10:50 am

Tell her to fuck off. Was she born in the 50’s? For fuck’s sake. We haven’t called them gourdes since before the war when they were metal and were stopped up with corks. For fuck’s sake.

Thank you William. Finally a voice of reason in this unreasonable world.
chuckp says:

Jan 19 2016 at 11:18 am

If your bike looks like these (or your name is Fausto Coppi ... these are his bikes), then you can call it a bidon. Otherwise, it's just a f*ing water bottle FFS!