Categories: Accessories and GearRantings from the V-Bunker

To Bidon Or Not To Bidon

This is a gordon, not a bidon.

This is serious, people. I hope you’re sitting down. Really. Sit down. Not a half sit. A real sit. Both cheeks. If you’re reading this on your phone, put the phone away and wait until you are sitting behind a computer like a civilized person.

Ready? Deep breath.

I have it on the excellent authority of my French friend Anne that that this is what a bidon looks like, not this.

I told you to sit down. My initial reaction was one of defiance and disbelief. I even suggested that I understood Le Langue du Peloton better than she does. In her infinite grace and my infinite obtuseness and ever-increasing volume, she almost conceded this as a possible explanation to this ground-rattling revelation.

There is something seriously fishy going on in this here petri dishy if what we as a collective of Cyclists – even those in France – have referred to as bidons are actually giant plastic jugs that are more commonly strapped to backs of Jeeps and motos than bicycles. Maybe we would take a bidon in the car to the start of a big ride, to fill up what we should probably be calling une gourde. Madness.

Cornered, I sought the advice of my good friend William, who represents one half of both Pavé Cycling Classics and Malteni Beer. He replied with his usual delicacy and the natural charm that I assume made him a good sprinter:

Tell her to fuck off. Was she born in the 50’s? For fuck’s sake. We haven’t called them gourdes since before the war when they were metal and were stopped up with corks. For fuck’s sake.

The only conclusion I can come to is that when the plastic bottle was introduced, some bright spark called it a bidon half as a pisstake and half as a way to distinguish this novelty from the traditional bar-mounted bottle. And we’ve been confusing the non-Cycling French population ever since.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

azryder says:

Jan 19 2016 at 12:23 pm

Let me see if I understand this.........

Frank is talking to his FRENCH GIRL Friend, and the best line he can come up with is "have you any idea what these bottle thingy's are called?"
Stu Stuhaug says:

Jan 19 2016 at 1:00 pm

Big assed rectangular METAL container decorating SUVs and the like is pre-politically correct speech properly called a Jerry Can or jerrican .. since the Germans figured out how to stamp a sheet of metal into a box that was cheap, leakproof, easily stacked and didn't roll around. Everyone else in those all-expense-paid trips around the European Theater stole the design. In the days when you had a cog on each side of the rear and flipped the wheel to climb.
Ccos says:

Jan 19 2016 at 2:00 pm

@PantaniForever

@Ccos

It’s ok to say “bidon” and “gillet” but order a “medium” at Starbucks, right?

I thought so.

I refuse to order coffee by the stupid names they have for small, medium, or large much to my spouse’s chagrin. It causes the robotic like person on the register all sorts of consternation. I hate getting coffee there anyways.

I do the same on those rare occasions I get coffee there. I also lousy refuse the "sissy sleeve" they insist upon putting on their cups. My VMH usually elbows me before I can also say something along the lines of "I'm no puss, I'll hold it like a man."

Of course, I then have to pretend the cup's not scalding hot.
Ccos says:

Jan 19 2016 at 2:04 pm

@Ccos

I also lousy refuse: should be LOUDLY refuse.
Mikael Liddy says:

Jan 19 2016 at 4:33 pm

@Ccos

@PantaniForever

@Ccos

It’s ok to say “bidon” and “gillet” but order a “medium” at Starbucks, right?

I thought so.

I refuse to order coffee by the stupid names they have for small, medium, or large much to my spouse’s chagrin. It causes the robotic like person on the register all sorts of consternation. I hate getting coffee there anyways.

I do the same on those rare occasions I get coffee there. I also lousy refuse the “sissy sleeve” they insist upon putting on their cups. My VMH usually elbows me before I can also say something along the lines of “I’m no puss, I’ll hold it like a man.”

Of course, I then have to pretend the cup’s not scalding hot.

Shouldn't the loud refusal be used a little earlier when someone suggests going there?

One of the stronger moments of local pride was when their attempt to open a store in Adelaide failed miserably & shut within months. If only we could have done the same with Krispy Kreme...
Puffy says:

Jan 19 2016 at 7:22 pm

A google image search - location: France - confirms it to be so.
KogaLover says:

Jan 19 2016 at 11:56 pm

@chuckp

If your bike looks like these (or your name is Fausto Coppi … these are his bikes), then you can call it a bidon. Otherwise, it’s just a f*ing water bottle FFS!

you are a showoff and I envy you and it's still a bidon
Harminator says:

Jan 20 2016 at 12:09 am

@Mikael Liddy

@Ccos

@PantaniForever

@Ccos

It’s ok to say “bidon” and “gillet” but order a “medium” at Starbucks, right?

I thought so.

I refuse to order coffee by the stupid names they have for small, medium, or large much to my spouse’s chagrin. It causes the robotic like person on the register all sorts of consternation. I hate getting coffee there anyways.

I do the same on those rare occasions I get coffee there. I also lousy refuse the “sissy sleeve” they insist upon putting on their cups. My VMH usually elbows me before I can also say something along the lines of “I’m no puss, I’ll hold it like a man.”

Of course, I then have to pretend the cup’s not scalding hot.

Shouldn’t the loud refusal be used a little earlier when someone suggests going there?

One of the stronger moments of local pride was when their attempt to open a store in Adelaide failed miserably & shut within months. If only we could have done the same with Krispy Kreme…

By all means call it a "medium". Just don't call it coffee.
pistard says:

Jan 20 2016 at 12:52 am

If I have to use une gourde, I'm going all the way. Fits a standard cage and insulates better than plastic or metal. Just need a bamboo frame.
Teocalli says:

Jan 20 2016 at 1:13 am

@Ccos

I do the same on those rare occasions I get coffee there. I also lousy refuse the “sissy sleeve” they insist upon putting on their cups. My VMH usually elbows me before I can also say something along the lines of “I’m no puss, I’ll hold it like a man.”

Of course, I then have to pretend the cup’s not scalding hot.

I find myself asking "can you make it hot please" as since the cases when people sued when they spilled hot coffee on themselves everywhere serves up lukewarm drinks these days. It will not cross the threshold of Spitbucks though.