Categories: Accessories and GearRantings from the V-Bunker

To Bidon Or Not To Bidon

This is a gordon, not a bidon.

This is serious, people. I hope you’re sitting down. Really. Sit down. Not a half sit. A real sit. Both cheeks. If you’re reading this on your phone, put the phone away and wait until you are sitting behind a computer like a civilized person.

Ready? Deep breath.

I have it on the excellent authority of my French friend Anne that that this is what a bidon looks like, not this.

I told you to sit down. My initial reaction was one of defiance and disbelief. I even suggested that I understood Le Langue du Peloton better than she does. In her infinite grace and my infinite obtuseness and ever-increasing volume, she almost conceded this as a possible explanation to this ground-rattling revelation.

There is something seriously fishy going on in this here petri dishy if what we as a collective of Cyclists – even those in France – have referred to as bidons are actually giant plastic jugs that are more commonly strapped to backs of Jeeps and motos than bicycles. Maybe we would take a bidon in the car to the start of a big ride, to fill up what we should probably be calling une gourde. Madness.

Cornered, I sought the advice of my good friend William, who represents one half of both Pavé Cycling Classics and Malteni Beer. He replied with his usual delicacy and the natural charm that I assume made him a good sprinter:

Tell her to fuck off. Was she born in the 50’s? For fuck’s sake. We haven’t called them gourdes since before the war when they were metal and were stopped up with corks. For fuck’s sake.

The only conclusion I can come to is that when the plastic bottle was introduced, some bright spark called it a bidon half as a pisstake and half as a way to distinguish this novelty from the traditional bar-mounted bottle. And we’ve been confusing the non-Cycling French population ever since.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next The Moser Position »

Previous « Doing It Wrong

View Comments

frank says:

Jan 20 2016 at 9:38 am

@LawnCzar

I like that “bidon” effectively means, “jerry can.” You wage war on the mountains, attack the roads… May as well equip yourself appropriately.

I enjoy joy using terms like bidon, casquette, and gillet, but usually avoid the them unless I know the person I’m speaking with will understand me. If they do, we get to enjoy saying them together. If they don’t, I’d just confuse them. Words are better used as markers of affinity than of exclusion in my experience.

I love all of this. Spot on. I do use the words as a litmus test to see whether someone understands; I don't wait to find out if they understand before using them. If they are confused, I explain myself and depending on the level of confusion, I will either then continue using the word assuming they now understand it, or will stop.
frank says:

Jan 20 2016 at 9:40 am

@Ccos

It’s ok to say “bidon” and “gillet” but order a “medium” at Starbucks, right?

I thought so.

Does not compute; I never go to Starbucks unless I'm travelling in a savage land where there are no better cafés available. I always just say, "in your smallest cup" if I'm taking it to go, and "in a civilized cup" if I'm having it there. A civilized cup is, of course, made of porcelain.
frank says:

Jan 20 2016 at 9:45 am

@DavyMuur

Sometimes native speakers of a particular language are the worst people to ask about the nuances of that language. For them the language is set in stone and not fluid and constantly evolving as it in fact is.

Bidon has its origins in old Norse and most likely entered the French language through the Scandinavian settlement of NW France. That was quite a long time ago, but the word likely survived in the regional dialect for some time before becoming part of the language of cycling.

The Dutch operate on this premise, except when it comes to the Dutch language, of course. But they assume they understand and speak every other language better than the natives. Its very convenient.
Teocalli says:

Jan 20 2016 at 9:45 am

@frank

@Ccos

It’s ok to say “bidon” and “gillet” but order a “medium” at Starbucks, right?

I thought so.

Does not compute; I never go to Starbucks unless I’m travelling in a savage land where there are no better cafés available. I always just say, “in your smallest cup” if I’m taking it to go, and “in a civilized cup” if I’m having it there. A civilized cup is, of course, made of porcelain.

Whist a civilised cup is definitely made of porcelain. I fear you are confusing porcelain for white pottery (at best bone china) in respect of what said coffee will actually arrive in.
chuckp says:

Jan 20 2016 at 10:12 am

@Teocalli

@frank

@Ccos

It’s ok to say “bidon” and “gillet” but order a “medium” at Starbucks, right?

I thought so.

Does not compute; I never go to Starbucks unless I’m travelling in a savage land where there are no better cafés available. I always just say, “in your smallest cup” if I’m taking it to go, and “in a civilized cup” if I’m having it there. A civilized cup is, of course, made of porcelain.

Whist a civilised cup is definitely made of porcelain. I fear you are confusing porcelain for white pottery (at best bone china) in respect of what said coffee will actually arrive in.

This is porcelain.
Pedale.Forchetta says:

Jan 20 2016 at 10:28 am

@frank

Ciao! This winter I tried successfully to ride for 110 km wit no water or food, but to tell the truth I always carry a borraccia in the middle pocket of the jersey!

Here in Italy the most iconic photo of Coppi and Bartali, that everyone know and love, is this one...
Teocalli says:

Jan 20 2016 at 10:39 am

@chuckp

This is porcelain

This isn't

Your confusion is understandable though as these are pants
Teocalli says:

Jan 20 2016 at 10:41 am

@chuckp

Also why do you have those in the bathroom but no bath?
Teocalli says:

Jan 20 2016 at 10:45 am

@Pedale.Forchetta

Surely you mean this one?
wiscot says:

Jan 20 2016 at 10:57 am

Lordy, Paris-Nice, Tirreno-Adriatico and the Spring classics can't come soon enough, can they? Pictures of toilets, underpants and discussions about Starbucks. Yes folks, it's the middle of January here in Velominati-land.

Let's discuss Bartali's headgear in that picture above. A bandana gone wrong? Focus, people, focus!