Categories: Accessories and GearRantings from the V-Bunker

To Bidon Or Not To Bidon

This is a gordon, not a bidon.

This is serious, people. I hope you’re sitting down. Really. Sit down. Not a half sit. A real sit. Both cheeks. If you’re reading this on your phone, put the phone away and wait until you are sitting behind a computer like a civilized person.

Ready? Deep breath.

I have it on the excellent authority of my French friend Anne that that this is what a bidon looks like, not this.

I told you to sit down. My initial reaction was one of defiance and disbelief. I even suggested that I understood Le Langue du Peloton better than she does. In her infinite grace and my infinite obtuseness and ever-increasing volume, she almost conceded this as a possible explanation to this ground-rattling revelation.

There is something seriously fishy going on in this here petri dishy if what we as a collective of Cyclists – even those in France – have referred to as bidons are actually giant plastic jugs that are more commonly strapped to backs of Jeeps and motos than bicycles. Maybe we would take a bidon in the car to the start of a big ride, to fill up what we should probably be calling une gourde. Madness.

Cornered, I sought the advice of my good friend William, who represents one half of both Pavé Cycling Classics and Malteni Beer. He replied with his usual delicacy and the natural charm that I assume made him a good sprinter:

Tell her to fuck off. Was she born in the 50’s? For fuck’s sake. We haven’t called them gourdes since before the war when they were metal and were stopped up with corks. For fuck’s sake.

The only conclusion I can come to is that when the plastic bottle was introduced, some bright spark called it a bidon half as a pisstake and half as a way to distinguish this novelty from the traditional bar-mounted bottle. And we’ve been confusing the non-Cycling French population ever since.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Barracuda says:

Jan 20 2016 at 4:49 pm

@wiscot

@piwakawaka

aww, come on guy’s didn’t you watch Caleb Ewan out sprint every other sprinters lead out man at TDU?

Oh, err, oh yeah! The Training Down Under. Can’t take my eyes off it.

Point taken, but given it's our only exposure to a world tour event so close to my doorstep, Im claiming it as a Tour and not just a training ride.
Barracuda says:

Jan 20 2016 at 4:56 pm

@brett

@Mikael Liddy

Say hi for us!

@brett Richie says G'day also (insert sarcastic smiley face etc etc )
wilburrox says:

Jan 20 2016 at 4:59 pm

@PeakInTwoYears

And, mes amis, it’s “gilet,” not “gillet.”

My bust there! And probably best I don't use words I cannot spell correctly. Something tells me I'd probably pronounce it wrong also.
Barracuda says:

Jan 20 2016 at 8:41 pm

@Mikael Liddy

@wiscot

@piwakawaka

aww, come on guy’s didn’t you watch Caleb Ewan out sprint every other sprinters lead out man at TDU?

Oh, err, oh yeah! The Training Down Under. Can’t take my eyes off it.

First couple of stages have been reasonably tame, shit gets a little more real today with the first likely GC shake up over Corkscrew Rd. Last time they used this stage finish, Good Cadelephant gave a free lesson in Sur la Plaque climbing followed by balls out descending.

As an aside, I’ll be heading to a dinner with the great man as guest speaker this evening…hopefully no dogs will be harmed over the course of the night!

And sadly Phil still calling winners from bunch sprints that aren't actually winners. Maybe there's a gig for him on next years Miss Universe comp.
piwakawaka says:

Jan 20 2016 at 9:47 pm

@Barracuda

@Mikael Liddy

@wiscot

@piwakawaka

aww, come on guy’s didn’t you watch Caleb Ewan out sprint every other sprinters lead out man at TDU?

Oh, err, oh yeah! The Training Down Under. Can’t take my eyes off it.

First couple of stages have been reasonably tame, shit gets a little more real today with the first likely GC shake up over Corkscrew Rd. Last time they used this stage finish, Good Cadelephant gave a free lesson in Sur la Plaque climbing followed by balls out descending.

As an aside, I’ll be heading to a dinner with the great man as guest speaker this evening…hopefully no dogs will be harmed over the course of the night!

And sadly Phil still calling winners from bunch sprints that aren’t actually winners. Maybe there’s a gig for him on next years Miss Universe comp.

I fuckin' love the TDU!
Mikael Liddy says:

Jan 20 2016 at 10:02 pm

@piwakawaka come over next year, the tour group I led around last year is generally around 50% kiwi, despite that they were still reasonable people.
Barracuda says:

Jan 20 2016 at 10:08 pm

@Mikael Liddy

@piwakawaka come over next year, the tour group I led around last year is generally around 50% kiwi, despite that they were still reasonable people.

How did you deal with the language barrier ?
piwakawaka says:

Jan 20 2016 at 10:36 pm

@Mikael Liddy

@piwakawaka come over next year, the tour group I led around last year is generally around 50% kiwi, despite that they were still reasonable people.

Ha! As it happens my niece gets married in Radilaid early October, she was none too impressed when I asked why she was dragging me over when there was no major event on!!

If I make it, there will be a bike, and hopefully temperatures that you can't cook food in!
Barracuda says:

Jan 21 2016 at 1:38 am

@piwakawaka

@Mikael Liddy

@piwakawaka come over next year, the tour group I led around last year is generally around 50% kiwi, despite that they were still reasonable people.

Ha! As it happens my niece gets married in Radilaid early October, she was none too impressed when I asked why she was dragging me over when there was no major event on!!

If I make it, there will be a bike, and hopefully temperatures that you can’t cook food in!

This could mean a meeting of velominati at next years event. Im planning on having annual leave. Make it happen
Mikael Liddy says:

Jan 21 2016 at 2:05 pm

@piwakawaka

if you don't feel like leaving your bike to the mercy of the baggage handlers, this is another option - http://www.velo-porte.com/