This is serious, people. I hope you’re sitting down. Really. Sit down. Not a half sit. A real sit. Both cheeks. If you’re reading this on your phone, put the phone away and wait until you are sitting behind a computer like a civilized person.

Ready? Deep breath.

I have it on the excellent authority of my French friend Anne that that this is what a bidon looks like, not this.

I told you to sit down. My initial reaction was one of defiance and disbelief. I even suggested that I understood Le Langue du Peloton better than she does. In her infinite grace and my infinite obtuseness and ever-increasing volume, she almost conceded this as a possible explanation to this ground-rattling revelation.

There is something seriously fishy going on in this here petri dishy if what we as a collective of Cyclists – even those in France – have referred to as bidons are actually giant plastic jugs that are more commonly strapped to backs of Jeeps and motos than bicycles. Maybe we would take a bidon in the car to the start of a big ride, to fill up what we should probably be calling une gourde. Madness.

Cornered, I sought the advice of my good friend William, who represents one half of both Pavé Cycling Classics and Malteni Beer. He replied with his usual delicacy and the natural charm that I assume made him a good sprinter:

Tell her to fuck off. Was she born in the 50’s? For fuck’s sake. We haven’t called them gourdes since before the war when they were metal and were stopped up with corks. For fuck’s sake.

The only conclusion I can come to is that when the plastic bottle was introduced, some bright spark called it a bidon half as a pisstake and half as a way to distinguish this novelty from the traditional bar-mounted bottle. And we’ve been confusing the non-Cycling French population ever since.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • @Buck Rogers

    That print is hanging in our service course as well. We love it too. Emerson and company are also coming out with an limited serigraph this year and you should be one of the first to know when it is ready — a series to focus on memorable episodes of the Giro d'Italia. And welcome back now that I understand you've been out and away in the wilderness.

  • @emerson

    Thanks, man!  Yeah, for some weird reason my work computer would not let me post on the site for over a year but now it is fixed and I am able to spread my reign of terror all over the site once again!

    As for the Giro prints, I'll be standing by with credit card in hand!  Thanks for that info!  (hope they have a Hampsten version--although a blank piece of white paper is all that is probably needed to truly capture that moment in time)

     

  • @Pedale.Forchetta

    @frank

    Ciao! This winter I tried successfully to ride for 110 km wit no water or food, but to tell the truth I always carry a borraccia in the middle pocket of the jersey!

    Here in Italy the most iconic photo of Coppi and Bartali, that everyone know and love, is this one…

    This photo, right here, is justification alone for this site to exist.  Perfetto.

  • @chris

    @chuckp

    @LawnCzar

    @frank

    @LawnCzar

    I like that “bidon” effectively means, “jerry can.” You wage war on the mountains, attack the roads… May as well equip yourself appropriately.

    I enjoy joy using terms like bidon, casquette, and gillet, but usually avoid the them unless I know the person I’m speaking with will understand me. If they do, we get to enjoy saying them together. If they don’t, I’d just confuse them. Words are better used as markers of affinity than of exclusion in my experience.

    I love all of this. Spot on.

    Hey, cheers.

    I do use the words as a litmus test to see whether someone understands; I don’t wait to find out if they understand before using them. If they are confused, I explain myself and depending on the level of confusion, I will either then continue using the word assuming they now understand it, or will stop.

    That’s a fair point — there are times when a moment of incomprehension is replaced with a deeper understanding.

    While people are posting photos of tea cups, here’s a little number in “fine bone china” that I got for Christmas. I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t make me smile each morning.

    A Rouleur mug. Beautiful. I want this one. But with the exchange rate, I have hard time justifying spending 19 pounds (plus postage) for it. I need to be like you and find someone to give to me as a Christmas (or birthday) present.

    Tea does taste particularly good out of bone china…

    I work with a bunch of young people, so I take great joy in drinking from this and staring at the youngster on the other end.

  • @Buck Rogers

    @Pedale.Forchetta

    @frank

    Ciao! This winter I tried successfully to ride for 110 km wit no water or food, but to tell the truth I always carry a borraccia in the middle pocket of the jersey!

    Here in Italy the most iconic photo of Coppi and Bartali, that everyone know and love, is this one…

    This photo, right here, is justification alone for this site to exist. Perfetto.

    I would argue that that entire exchange is a prime example of why we're awesome.

    Also, I'm not aware of any other site anywhere on the internet that can conjure up 100+ remarks to the notion that perhaps we are using the wrong incorrect term for "water bottle". That, I would say, is why we are here.

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