The missing machine.

Points of complication are usually both surprising and completely predictable. Take, for instance, international travel. We don’t really have trouble cramming a few hundred people who don’t know each other in a small, confined space and chucking in the air at 9,000 meteres to a destination several thousand kilometers away. That bit, apparently, is simple and is generally goes off without a hitch.

The complicated bit, evidently, is the bit where you arrive with all the same objects that you left with. My bicycle comes to mind as one such item that I would have liked to have arrive with me in Amsterdam, as it is an item that bears some relevance to this trip. And which, of course, didn’t make it onto the plane with me.

Thankfully, I’ve done enough travel to have some degree of familiarity with this particular routine. I’ve also learned that in America, we become very occupied with the idea that we might predict with some certainty when the missing items could arrive, or where they should be at any given moment. This gives us a degree of comfort that we might at some point regain possession of our beloved items.

Europeans don’t share this occupation with us. I recall my first trip to France with(out) bicycle. We arrived, naturally, in Toulouse san le velo. Throughout our workings with the airline as to determine where our bicycles might be, they treated us the the customary French ridicule that we should be so concerned with the whereabouts of the bicycles; they weren’t lost, after all. They just didn’t know where they were. But on that occasion, we were phoned within an hour or so that they would arrive on the next plane and that we should pick them up in a few hours.

My arrival in Amsterdam, without my bicycle, distinguished itself from our arrival in France in the respect that they had absolutely no idea where the bicycle was, and since I’d had a layover in San Francisco wherein the bicycle changed hands between airlines, there was also some question as to precisely at which airport it might have been left, whose fault it was (probably mine), and whether it hadn’t accidentally boarded a plane to New Delhi or some such exotic location. Thankfully, it also distinguished itself in the respect that I can speak the language well enough and can easily switch between English and Dutch as it suits my needs (the Dutch are often more tolerant of your ignorance if they don’t know you’re Dutch and should thusly know better, so if I’m clueless about something I tend to revert back into English to demonstrate my idiocy and invoke their sense of sympathy for my predicament.)

If you find routine comforting, as many of us do, then you would find it comforting to know that the baggage handlers in Amsterdam held the same degree of interest as the French did as to whether or not I found the situation I was in either inconvenient or distressing. That is to say, they had none; they were much more interested in getting me to stop talking than finding any kind of resolution.

Having experienced all this before, I left the airport not terribly distressed. But then the questions started to creep in, often raised by other. What should I if my bike didn’t arrive? I’m perhaps the most finicky person when it comes to my bicycle and position as anyone could be, so borrowing a bike is a very unappealing idea. Not to mention that I began curating my wheels in November, and had only twice ridden on the tires I had specially handmade for my ride over the cobblestones. To return to Seattle without having had these wheels so much as grace the pavé seems very incomplete, somehow.

I went to sleep last night with no updates, despite several calls to Schiphol in pursuit of some information that might put me at my ease. I awoke an hour later needing to use the loo, so I got up and made my way upstairs where I ran into my mother who had just gotten off the phone with my dad. She informed me of his heartfelt condolences, and that he was concerned that some handler with sticky fingers had perhaps stolen the bike as it came off the plane. This seemed almost completely impossible, but just possible enough to worry me to my core. I fell asleep with visions of never again laying eyes upon my irreplaceable Bike #1.

I start the day today in the waning hope of receiving my bicycle before we jump on the train for Lille tomorrow. I also find Lou Reed’s lyrics running through my mind.

I’m waiting for my bike,

With $26 in my hand.

So sick and dirty, more dead than alive,

I’m waiting for my bike.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • @brett

    Oh, and I just heard from Gianni (who I've just met) that Frank's bike has turned up.

    That's outstanding news. You guys have a great ride!

  • Oh boy, very good news. I wouldn't want to ride anything but my own bike on the cobbles. And with those new wheels it would have been a serious downer to not have the bike show up.

    Wait, Frank, your mother lives in the Netherlands? I didn't realize this.

    As for cramming people onto a plane and going off without a hitch...not so when I'm involved. A few years ago a lady was yelling into a mobile phone right behind me as we were boarding the plane and kept getting closer, despite my actions to demonstrate she was too close for comfort. She finally got so close that her eyeglasses, tethered about her corpulent neck by a granny chain, got caught in my backpack. I'd had enough and kindly let her know. She didn't really like what I had to say, but it needed to be said.

    A few minutes later I was escorted back off the plane by a very agitated female attendant. I then met the captain who inquired about the interaction. While the woman and two female attendants started yelling at me the male captain asserted his authority, calmed the nerves, and simply asked me, "Do I have your word that you will have no further interaction with this woman at all?" Sure.

    It's funny to me how yelling into a small plastic box in a confined space is now a social norm, for some, while a few carefully worded sentences can throw that same person into a fit.

  • @brett

    Oh, and I just heard from Gianni (who I've just met) that Frank's bike has turned up.

    ROCK! Now go get Fränk out of the coffee shop where I'm sure he's enjoying a "double espresso".

  • @Ron
    And that is why I hate flying. I actually love being on a plane, and usually the anticipation of where I'm traveling to. But until I win Powerball this weekend (1/2 a billion dollars!) and can afford my own private jet, I loathe most people that I'm cramped up with.
    It's also in the front of my mind with a new job I'm pursuing; I'd be flying at least twice a week, sometimes more. Gack...........

  • @The Oracle

    @Skip

    @brett
    Glad to hear it. I understand that saddle-to-handlebar drop has to be seen in person to be believed.

    Yeah, whichever baggage handler who was trying to filch it opened up the bag, took one look at the bike, and said "I'll never be able to hock this crazy fuckin' thing," and tossed it right back onto the plane.

    Glad to hear that the bike's been found. Here's hoping it arrives in working order and ready to lay down The V on the cobbles.

    Yup, that's one thing Frank's bike's got going for it - the sheer massive size of that bike. Not gonna fit 99.9999% of the population and kinda hard to flog down the pub.

    Why are airlines so bad at handling stuff? Thank Merckx a rewrite of this wasn't necessary: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YGc4zOqozo

  • @brett

    Oh, and I just heard from Gianni (who I've just met) that Frank's bike has turned up.

    Not breathing easy until we see pics of said bike fully intact and undamaged upon cobbles...

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