Categories: Anatomy of a Photo

Anatomy of a Photo: Denim Shorts

The Rules, of course, are a sort of reference guide for those of us who may need a little bit of help making sure we act and look Fantastic at all times, whether on or near the bike. However much they are steeped in the history of our sport, they are by their very nature incomplete and always evolving, subject to the continuous development of the sport. They are also greatly influenced by the little things the Pros do, mostly because they invariably look better than any of us and, due to the immense number of hours they spend on the bicycle, have figured a thing or two out that we can learn from without having to interrupt our beer drinking or stop critiquing them from the comfort of our sofas.

However influential the Pros may be in determining The Rules, their actions are still subject to Good Taste, and should they violate that ever-important element, their actions will never find their way into the cannon. Conversely, they may also – through the sheer volume of the V they are able to channel – transcend The Rules and venture into Velomitopia despite any garish choice of aesthetics they may choose. Il Pirata’s bandana comes to mind, as does Gilbert’s up-flipped cap; if we are to try such things ourselves, we would be damned to an eternity of indoor windtrainer intervals.

Which brings me to the subject of the Carrera Jeans bibshorts. Taken out of context, these are perhaps the worst idea anyone has ever had since putting an ejector seat in a helicopter with no detachable rotors. But put in the context of Il Diablo and his 232 km escape to Sestriere, those fake denim bibs are, in my mind, some of the coolest bits of cycling kit ever created. Rule Violation? Absolutely. Looked all kinds of Awesome on Chiappucci? Fuck yeah. Horrible helmet notwithstanding.

You just won’t be seeing me sporting a pair, is all.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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Nate says:

Aug 26 2011 at 8:29 pm

@Jeff in PetroMetro
Settle down JiPM! It's all in good fun, as far as I'm concerned. Maybe once you make it out to hill country and ride some hills you'll feel better.
Marcus says:

Aug 26 2011 at 8:29 pm

@Nate
Yes - that's what I was thinking of - no need for you to put up a pic though! Nasty even on Fignon
scaler911 says:

Aug 26 2011 at 9:01 pm

@Jeff in PetroMetro

FUCK. Way too much glue has been sniffed around here these last few days, what with the endless discussion about sew-ups. And the result of all this chemical mayhem? A post, and then a whole article about the return of the DENIM SHIT bibs. They looked ATROCIOUS when they were first worn. It was a crime against good taste in general and professional cycling in particular when they came out.
They'd been thrown high up on the trash heap of bad taste. And some fuckwad has climbed up on that trash heap, grabbed the ugliest fucking kit in the history of ugly, slid down the pile of historic nastiness, and is now pawning that shit off on my stoned-out-of-your-fucking-minds fellow Velominati.
Stop it right now! Avert your eyes. La Vuelta is happening, gents. Real bike racing. We can discuss real bike racing. Instead, you want to pay reverence, and possibly even purchase this dreck?
First, go sleep off your glue highs. Then detox with some hill repeats.
Merckx would never be caught dead in those. Look to him for guidance.

I've gotta quit hanging around this joint at the end of the evening after a couple of IPA's (OK a few). If I keep shooting beer out my nose, I'm going to have to go see an ENT Doc.
eightzero says:

Aug 26 2011 at 9:05 pm

@Jeff in PetroMetro

Merckx would never be caught dead in those. Look to him for guidance.

Indeed. Look deep into your soul, then look to Him for guidance. Channel the V. That is all.
the Repeater says:

Aug 26 2011 at 9:12 pm

Looks like he's wearin a foam cap too, but maybe just a tiny head...?

Loving the pomp of wearing a Man's Watch (heavy) in the days of concern for minutia like tire weight and min seatpost length--whildst competing for and carrying the dotty jumper.
Ron says:

Aug 26 2011 at 9:28 pm

I have found a U.S. dealer & shall place an order quite soon. They'll be awesome on "fancy dress" rides, like when I roll on the Tommasini on Sundays; Italian steel + Italian "pre-bulged" denim = class! Now I just have to decide if I want to pay that much for denim bibs when I could have a new pair of daily wearers, not just some wacko once-a-monthers. Oh well, style can hurt one's wallet.

While I observe a Zero Denim Rule off the bike, how can I resist form-fitting faux denim on the bike? Especially if it comes with pockets for my tubes and smokes.

I shamelessly admit I also love the Castorama kit.
Ron says:

Aug 26 2011 at 9:40 pm

Jeff - Shall it be known as the Denim Shit Kit?

Could we be onto a new entry?!

The odd thing is that I haven't been gluing tyres, nor taking a puff, but I also haven't been watching La Vuelta and I'm away from home and without a bike for a week now. Maybe these conditions are to blame for my lust?
Ron says:

Aug 26 2011 at 9:47 pm

Would wearing them with a hi-vis neon green Performance jersey, club fit, of course, be the equivalent of wearing a denim button-up with jeans?

And sheeit, I'm worried now with all this press there is going to be a run on them; better order mine tomorrow.
scaler911 says:

Aug 26 2011 at 10:03 pm

@Ron

Would wearing them with a hi-vis neon green Performance jersey, club fit, of course, be the equivalent of wearing a denim button-up with jeans?
And sheeit, I'm worried now with all this press there is going to be a run on them; better order mine tomorrow.

I implore you. Save your duckets and get one of these. I understand what Frank is saying, but I don't think his holiness would be impressed.
Nate says:

Aug 26 2011 at 10:14 pm

@Ron

Jeff - Shall it be known as the Denim Shit Kit?
Could we be onto a new entry?!

I suspect your exploits in that garment will generate more content than just a Lexicon entry.

I'm away from home and without a bike for a week now. Maybe these conditions are to blame for my lust?

You may need to seek prompt medical advice if your symptoms continue for another 24 hours.