Categories: Anatomy of a Photo

Anatomy of a Photo: Denim Shorts

The Rules, of course, are a sort of reference guide for those of us who may need a little bit of help making sure we act and look Fantastic at all times, whether on or near the bike. However much they are steeped in the history of our sport, they are by their very nature incomplete and always evolving, subject to the continuous development of the sport. They are also greatly influenced by the little things the Pros do, mostly because they invariably look better than any of us and, due to the immense number of hours they spend on the bicycle, have figured a thing or two out that we can learn from without having to interrupt our beer drinking or stop critiquing them from the comfort of our sofas.

However influential the Pros may be in determining The Rules, their actions are still subject to Good Taste, and should they violate that ever-important element, their actions will never find their way into the cannon. Conversely, they may also – through the sheer volume of the V they are able to channel – transcend The Rules and venture into Velomitopia despite any garish choice of aesthetics they may choose. Il Pirata’s bandana comes to mind, as does Gilbert’s up-flipped cap; if we are to try such things ourselves, we would be damned to an eternity of indoor windtrainer intervals.

Which brings me to the subject of the Carrera Jeans bibshorts. Taken out of context, these are perhaps the worst idea anyone has ever had since putting an ejector seat in a helicopter with no detachable rotors. But put in the context of Il Diablo and his 232 km escape to Sestriere, those fake denim bibs are, in my mind, some of the coolest bits of cycling kit ever created. Rule Violation? Absolutely. Looked all kinds of Awesome on Chiappucci? Fuck yeah. Horrible helmet notwithstanding.

You just won’t be seeing me sporting a pair, is all.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Pedale.Forchetta says:

Aug 27 2011 at 10:43 am

@Ron
Elia Viviani, born in 1989...
zalamanda says:

Aug 27 2011 at 1:11 pm

@Teeceboy
that's true, however there is a big difference between the Italian Carrera and Halfords; one was handmade Eyetalian with a pedigree, the other mass prod MOR shite. The thing is the Yanks wouldn't know about Halfords.
Minion says:

Aug 27 2011 at 2:34 pm

The guy ho owns a pair and rocks them out around here, LBG (Little British Git) is a very strong rider, rips the legs off it more often than not and rides either a Carerra or De Rosa. He does it a bit tongue in cheek (wears them to Sunday rides, when everyone else is in their sunday best. You've gotta be in the front tier of riders to pull that shit off is all.
BTW, merino? that stuff's a revelation.
Ron says:

Aug 27 2011 at 6:41 pm

Just was able to watch the racing in CO. Damn, Elia does it again! Nice, very nice. I think watching some racing has pulled me back to earth. I'm not saying I don't want the Denim Shit Kit, but as cx season nears, there are a bunch of needs far ahead of faux denim.

Frank, thanks for that visual tutorial!

Oss might have the biggest mouth in the PRO peloton. And is it me or does Leipheimer just not look PRO? I know he is and all, but he just does not look cool nor Casually Deliberate. Maybe it's the black shoes, maybe his pasty skin, maybe his egghead.

Oh, and is that a pink computer on sitting atop the Cinelli forged quill stem? Just spotted that; I'd been blinded by the bibs for so long.
Hobbanero says:

Aug 27 2011 at 6:53 pm

Perhaps this abomination will quell the debate about the Carrera jeans shorts, but making them seem inconsequential in comparison.

Of course, I will admit a secret love of the Lion King's outfits, but I know never to actually wear one.
mouse says:

Aug 27 2011 at 7:35 pm

And really, that's just the top of the slippery slope that leads to this...
Jeff in PetroMetro says:

Aug 27 2011 at 8:22 pm

@mouse
Wow. In a bad way.
Ron says:

Aug 27 2011 at 9:03 pm

Oh my word. Forgive me Keepers, for I have sinned. If I had known it was going to unravel into this, I'd never, ever had started this.
mouse says:

Aug 27 2011 at 11:36 pm

@all
You're welcome.
Bianchi Denti says:

Aug 28 2011 at 3:04 pm

@scaler911

@Ron

Would wearing them with a hi-vis neon green Performance jersey, club fit, of course, be the equivalent of wearing a denim button-up with jeans?And sheeit, I'm worried now with all this press there is going to be a run on them; better order mine tomorrow.

I implore you. Save your duckets and get one of these. I understand what Frank is saying, but I don't think his holiness would be impressed.

I think some of us need to pin this photo somewhere so it's the last thing we see before heading out for a ride. One look in those eyes will tell you whether (a) your kit/general cycling aura is acceptable (b) you need to change (c) you should just give up and take up some sort of ballsports.