Anatomy of a Photo: Michelin Man

Does the Prophet make me look fat?

I’m trying my best to stay thin this winter, but I’m nowhere near where I was when it was warm and the days were long. I keep flashing back to the last time I felt genuinely skinny and declared to myself, “This time, I’ll keep it off!”

This photo is a metaphor. Winter me is on the right, Summer me is on the left. Minus the good looks and soul-crushing engine.

Also please note the whole lotta WTF that’s going on in this here photo.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next Guest Article: V-Books of the Year - A Personal Choice »

Previous « In Memoriam: Loose Ball Bearings

View Comments

the Engine says:

Dec 11 2014 at 2:40 am

Still sticking with the PoW diet here - grim.

On the upside Frank has stopped baiting me about my size in recent photographs.

If you live in the PNW please keep feeding him so that I can crush his soul on the pave in April.
harminator says:

Dec 11 2014 at 5:09 am

I think The Prophet looks a bit guilty because he accidentally rubbed against the Michelin Man and his nipples went hard.
Buck Rogers says:

Dec 11 2014 at 5:26 am

@pistard

Bibelobis was blazing a fatty while pulling elephant trunk skids on his fixie about a century before it was uncool. Serious bike handling skills considering his avoirdupois:

Ha! Excellent!
antihero says:

Dec 11 2014 at 5:26 am

This is me too, Frank. Every year: November arrives. I make promises to myself about what a hardman I am, how my weekly mileage will not decline. Fuck the rain and cold, who cares? I ride ride ride, no mercy.

Along comes a nice case of bronchitis, and I'm off the bike for two weeks while consuming copious quantities of vino and comfort food to fend off the crud, and before I know it it's Christmas and I'm 10 pounds heavier. Fuck the rain and cold, I'm staying in where it's warm. Pathetic.

By February 1, I'll get it all turned around and be on the Path of Righteousness, but December and January are shot out of a cannon.
wiscot says:

Dec 11 2014 at 5:55 am

I can't do it because I'm pathetic at computers, but I'm sure somewhere out there has the skills: Take a look at Michelin man from long ago and today - he has become less fat and more "sculpted" like he's been working out. Interesting how the marketers have morphed his body shape . . . In the early years the tires were more plentiful and thinner and he and his wife looked like they were from outer space - now they are fat and friendfy whereas back in the day they were kinda creepy. Now he's ditched the wife and bulked up with fewer tires. Mid-life crisis or marketing ploy?

And if Frank's the size of MM over the winter, then I have a shot of winning the tour next year FFS.
SamV says:

Dec 11 2014 at 6:05 am

There's also this terror...

He appears to be condemning the man to a life of rolling the boy in the inner tube for eternity.

Re: seasonal bloat...I was on my rollers for the first time this season. They'll burn calories, but being less enjoyable than being outside, I'll use them less. Alcohol consumption spikes for me this time of year, too. I can't ride, don't ski, what else am I supposed to do?
Ron says:

Dec 11 2014 at 6:47 am

I love how you get the dual glare of the Prophet's eyes...but only one from Bibendum. What a photo!

Winter weight is a huge pain. This year, this year I won't let it happen. Tough when the mother-in-law lives 2.5 hours away, loves cooking for you, and her cuisine is Memphis and eastern NC based. Bring on the butter.
razmaspaz says:

Dec 11 2014 at 6:48 am

Cross season ended Sunday, and I'm already up a couple kilos. I'll allow this to continue through week's end, then it is time to get ahold of myself.

Re: The Michelin Man, that guy is why I ride Contis.
SamFromTex says:

Dec 11 2014 at 6:51 am

That is a profoundly strange picture. Makes me feel glad about riding mostly Continental. I can only imagine the horror of a German tire mascot.

Winter bloat is real. I just like to think that it's letting me gain muscle and increase the stored potential energy in my stylish pot.
Dan_R says:

Dec 11 2014 at 9:20 am

@fenlander

Think on of the coolest Bibs is the running one seen on the front mudguards of scary 90's 500 gp bikes(usually seen launching riders into the stratosphere);

As for the winter bulge it hasn't affected me yet despite the decline in mileage over the last couple of weeks;I'm shure christmas will change that.

All that is holy, The Prophet please bless me as a sinner. I had this image on a jersey at one time. Needless to say, I was asked where I got my jersey and was my ego so large I needed to have myself on the front.....