Categories: Anatomy of a Photo

Anatomy of a Photo: The Bowels of Spectating

Perusing the Velominati Archives of Cycling Photos Liberated from the Interwebs (VACPLI), I stumbled across this little gem. I’m sure they are lovely people on the inside, but this photo showcases one of the most unflattering examples of spectators we find along the roadside of the Great Races. I’m not sure how you can be at the Queen Stage of the 2009 Tour – on the final climb no less – watching the key break led by three of the finest climbers in the world, and look quite so…constipated.

Here we have a misguided Euro hipster doing his best impression of an American Frat boy douchnozzle. Whomever decided it was cool to perch a baseball cap backwards and tilted like a yarmulke should be given a stern talking to. I can only assume this a strategy to protect the neck from flying debris. Unacceptable. Please review the three-point system immediately. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

The cap on what I’m guessing is a woman with unnecessarily wide shoulders letting out a Bantha call is really no better, but can be blamed on the Tour caravan that passes before the race and distributes this type of paraphernalia to fans whose judgement has been impaired by a combination of sun exposure, boredom, excitement, and copious quantities of alcohol. Nevertheless, those hats should be summarily incinerated, and all photographic evidence destroyed.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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minion says:

Mar 24 2011 at 7:35 pm

@il ciclista medio
the man is a DEADSET FUCKING GENIUS.
They both are, I've watched the box set of the friday night reports, the complete catastrophe, the games is hilarious, in other circumstances I might wish the guy was my dad.

Its worth googling a few of his clips, I particularly enjoyed one where he pretended to be a Chilean miner, Julio Gillarde, putting the shaft in (rescue shaft) to a thinly disguised Kevin Rudd. He and Brian Dawe have made an admirable career out of sharp, whimsical nonsense and I am increadibly jealous.
Jeff in PetroMetro says:

Mar 24 2011 at 7:44 pm

@il ciclista medio
Absolutely spot fucking on.
Jeff in PetroMetro says:

Mar 24 2011 at 7:46 pm

@Kiwicyclist
Thank you. It's about time we Velominati stand up for good taste in all manner of cycling, either riding or viewing.
Harminator says:

Mar 24 2011 at 7:47 pm

Here's me and my brother all ready to watch the Tour down under. Unfortunately our wallaby saddles went missing and we were unable to hop down to the finish chute.
Maybe next year...
Jeff in PetroMetro says:

Mar 24 2011 at 8:06 pm

@all
Sometime back, I gave you my opinion about side-of-the-road dress code for any major race: I love the linen suit and straw panama for the Tour. For the colder stages or Spring Classics, I'm all about the heavy weight wool slacks paired with a classic tweed sport coat and herringbone Donegal cap. If it's muddy or wet, pair up the tweed with Wellies (real ones). And don't forget a proper umbrella.

And never never never denim. I don't care how much you paid for those jeans. Denim screams, "I'm not trying very hard."

Until the rest of the world stops running naked along side the peloton, I think a tie is required. You really have to step it up and fight the forces of evil.
Jeff in PetroMetro says:

Mar 24 2011 at 8:09 pm

@Harminator
Which one's Marcus?
Marcus says:

Mar 24 2011 at 8:11 pm

@il ciclista medio
Here is kiwicyclist pre-race (on right)

And here he is putting some smack on the field coming into the final straight. A kinda cool photo til you realise the person he has gapped is a chick.
Jeff in PetroMetro says:

Mar 24 2011 at 8:13 pm

@Marcus
What are you raising money for? That should cost someone at least a large.
harminator says:

Mar 24 2011 at 8:21 pm

@Jeff in PetroMetro

Not everyone is classy enough to get away with a cravat. (I'm on the left)
Jeff in PetroMetro says:

Mar 24 2011 at 8:24 pm

@Marcus
Anatomy of A Photo--lose that fucking huge bottle, kiwicyclist. And colored bibs? Really? Sock length looks great. Love the shallow drops on the bars--very current, very now. Running the big ring, layin' down the V. Everyone behind is inhaling wasps while kc is casually deliberate. Quien es mas macho? kiwicyclist es mas macho.