Categories: Anatomy of a Photo

Anatomy of a Photo: The Bowels of Spectating

Perusing the Velominati Archives of Cycling Photos Liberated from the Interwebs (VACPLI), I stumbled across this little gem. I’m sure they are lovely people on the inside, but this photo showcases one of the most unflattering examples of spectators we find along the roadside of the Great Races. I’m not sure how you can be at the Queen Stage of the 2009 Tour – on the final climb no less – watching the key break led by three of the finest climbers in the world, and look quite so…constipated.

Here we have a misguided Euro hipster doing his best impression of an American Frat boy douchnozzle. Whomever decided it was cool to perch a baseball cap backwards and tilted like a yarmulke should be given a stern talking to. I can only assume this a strategy to protect the neck from flying debris. Unacceptable. Please review the three-point system immediately. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

The cap on what I’m guessing is a woman with unnecessarily wide shoulders letting out a Bantha call is really no better, but can be blamed on the Tour caravan that passes before the race and distributes this type of paraphernalia to fans whose judgement has been impaired by a combination of sun exposure, boredom, excitement, and copious quantities of alcohol. Nevertheless, those hats should be summarily incinerated, and all photographic evidence destroyed.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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Jeff in PetroMetro says:

Mar 24 2011 at 8:39 pm

@sgt
I'm good with gross generalizations. I think you're absolutely right about Americans dressing like five-year-olds. And the Ugg thing has to stop sometime soon. My daughter won't take hers off, even when it's 23C outside.

Oh, that's another thing besides no denim on the side of the road. No Velominata in Uggs or flip-flops. They're tired. They're gonna have that acid washed jeans and rats nest hairband feel five years from now. Maybe some ballet flats this year, ladies?
sgt says:

Mar 24 2011 at 8:40 pm

@Marcus
@Harminator
@Jeff in PetroMetro
I'm taking full credit for lighting a fire under this thread... first rate work, y'all!

And that rainbow jersey's the bees' fuckin' knees...
il ciclista medio says:

Mar 24 2011 at 8:47 pm

@Harminator
Plaid Stallions - the name of my 70's porn star ensemble. Leeesure suits and all. Where did you find this? It looks like one of those dress maker patterns my grandmother used to have next to the Singer sewing machine
il ciclista medio says:

Mar 24 2011 at 8:53 pm

@Marcus
awesome

correction - two chick's
il ciclista medio says:

Mar 24 2011 at 8:58 pm

@Marcus
on closer inspection -
1 x chick
1 x old bloke
anotherdownunder says:

Mar 24 2011 at 9:03 pm

Marcus :
@il ciclista medio Here is kiwicyclist pre-race (on right)

And here he is putting some smack on the field coming into the final straight. A kinda cool photo til you realise the person he has gapped is a chick.

Ahhh C grade with Southern at Sandown Raceway the home of our bogan V8 taxi racing, nags and I think dishlickers as well. Crit season nearly all over for us, soon it will be wet and windy road racing season. Bring it.

Excellent observation and commentating skills on the topics photo - very entertaining for a wet and cold Friday afternoon.
anotherdownunder says:

Mar 24 2011 at 9:05 pm

il ciclista medio :
@Marcus on closer inspection -1 x chick1 x old bloke

Correct - 3rd wheel is a bloke in a Celtic Decor kit, a local club team.
Nate says:

Mar 24 2011 at 9:25 pm

@Ron
Fuck you, Ron. Don't rub it in. (Sorry if that sounds a bit surly). You may atone by providing full, detailed reports. Don't forget to tell us about your choice in Belgian beers, how many grams of frites you consumed, and the tobacco preferences of the locals.

@Jeff in PetroMetro
I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the bait on issues sartorial.
Kiwicyclist says:

Mar 24 2011 at 9:52 pm

And here he is putting some smack on the field coming into the final straight. A kinda cool photo til you realise the person he has gapped is a chick.

If you look closely you will see Marcus swallowing a wasp immediately behind the rider in the yellow and blue jersey after being gapped by the author and the chick.

(I haven't had a gift like this since my last birthday - cheers M)

@Jeff in Petrometro
Good question regarding TV recognition of Velominati on the side of the road. Any suggestions are welcome...(In truth I'll probably be wearing the new version of the Toro kit we having made...or my team NZ skinsuit 'cause its the ducks nuts).
il ciclista medio says:

Mar 24 2011 at 10:40 pm

@Kiwicyclist

So, is it Marcus' lead out train then KC?
KC, a chick, old bloke and some random? Awesome