Categories: Defining MomentsFFS FridayRantings from the V-Bunker

On Rule #42: Running is Balls, Even for the Maillot Jaune

Stand still and get your shit together. Wait for the car and freak out like every other civilized person.

[rule number =42/]

Alright people, we heard you. Chris Froome ran. But he was going to lose the Tour de France. I’ve got news for you: Cyclocrossers run, too. So do convicts, burglars, children, footballers, and triathletes. And anyone who has ever seen a Grizzly Bear up close. And all of them ran because they were going to lose something. The person with the bear has the best case here, as far as I’m concerned, and I’ll be disappointed if they didn’t trip something with a heartbeat just to gain a little extra advantage.

Because if you’re already stooping so low as to run, your life better be on the line, and you better be willing to play dirty.

You know what the worst kind of running is? A road cyclist in carbon-soled shoes designed to be so inflexible that even Admiral Tarkin would approve of them. I once jacked up a cyclocross bike so badly I had to break the chain to get it unwound, and because I didn’t have a chain tool I ran the rest of the lap to finish the race. Finishing the race on foot was almost as humiliating as crashing because I was too dumb to appreciate that 15 PSI tires don’t corner as tightly as 110 PSI tires do.

Worst. Day. Of. My. Life.

Including that time I crapped my pantaloons on a transcontinental flight in India.

In conclusion of Froome’s Rule #42 violation, here are the facts:

Yes, Chris Froome was knocked down by race motos. (He actually crashed into another rider who was knocked down by another rider who was knocked down by a race moto.)
Yes, Chris Froome was in the Maillot Jaune and everybody knows everybody with any dignity always waits for the Maillot Jaune, no matter how many riders from the crash actually caused them to crash.
Yes, Chris Froome’s bike was broken. I’m not trying to be adversary here, but do you remember when COTHO’s bike broke in a crash on Luz Ardiden and he just rode it home to win the stage anyway? Yeah, me too. And that guy was a dick. And only dicks ride broken bikes. Chris Froome is less of a dick so shouldn’t need to ride a broken bike. Obviously.
Jens Voigt once rode a child’s bike to finish a stage within the time limit. Jens Voigt used to eat broken bikes for breakfast, just to keep regular.
Chris Froome looked so completely awful running in his little carbon ballerina slippers that he should lose the Tour de France on appearances alone.

The verdict is: he violated Rule #42 and the UCI turned a blind eye to how rotten a runner he is. Next they’ll allow motors in bike races while pretending to scan for them.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

frank says:

Jul 15 2016 at 11:03 pm

@Owen

@Frank You should give us a list of rules that it is and is not OK for the pros to break. Just so we all know.

Ignoring the grammatical errors in your request:

Rules that are OK for the Pros to break: Zero.

Rules that are Not OK for the Pros to break: All of them.

The fact is, The Rules aren't about Looking Pro, they are about Looking (and therefore feeling) Fantastic.
frank says:

Jul 15 2016 at 11:11 pm

@Clank

Excellent piece Frank. I watched Froome mincing up Ventoux in utter disbelief. Surely there could be few clearer violations of Rule 42. I was also a bit alarmed that his $18,000 Dogma couldn’t survive a nudge from a Moto as well. Surely the situation called for a casual inspection of the damage, a Gallic shrug of the shoulders and a patient wait for the replacement hideously expensive carbon Pinarello which apparently used champagne stems for seat posts. Having never worn the Maillot Jaune or even come close to winning any of my local D grade races should not of course disqualify me from criticising him, just as it doesn’t prevent me from shouting tactical orders at the TV. Rule #42 is there for a reason – it prevents us from looking even more ridiculous than we already do. A grown man wearing a yellow skivvy trying to climb a mountain in tiny tip toes does not help our cause.

You, my son, are going places. Exceptionally strong work. Champagne Stems for seat posts, that is some solid French design filtering into those Italian frames. We need to look into that. There must be some tax violations in there somewhere, that could be fun.

And for the record, even if you're fat, slow, and stupid, it doesn't disqualify us (me) from judging wildly from the comfort of our favorite armchair.
frank says:

Jul 15 2016 at 11:13 pm

@Alwi Yunus

The absolutely heartbreaking sight of Froome running without his bike must have factored into the decision to award him Molemma’s time and keep him in Yellow. I’ve not been his greatest fan but this Tour has shown a tenacity that few can match. Chapeau Chris Froome. You may run ugly and ride ugly but you’re a better man than most on that mountain.

In all fairness, I agree, but keep that between us, if you will. Not a usual Tour but now we are still looking at big time gaps. Le Tour is just destined to never be as rad as the Giro.
frank says:

Jul 15 2016 at 11:15 pm

@piwakawaka

They made the wrong call. Froome made the wrong call. Abandoning your bike without a replacement is wrong. Running? wrong, wrong, wrong. This was a racing incident.

This could have been one of the great stories of the Tour, the leading rider dealt a cruel blow just as he was about to crush his rivals, waits interminably long for his trusty lieutenants to come to his aid, finally to the dismay of his legions of fans he completes the course to face an enormous deficit the following day, which of course he duly recovers with one of the greatest ITT in history, driven by anger at his treatment and the energy he saved whilst waiting tranquillo for a bike to ride to the finish the day before.

Holding onto a moto is also wrong.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, aaaaaaaand....yes.
frank says:

Jul 15 2016 at 11:22 pm

@Fritz

And what about Rule #69….Chris froome broke Rule #69 too….

Yes! And...

@Racingsnake

Chris Froome aka Twinkle Toes aka Tiny Carbon Soled Dancer.

YES!! Love it, I only hope I remember to chuck them into the Lexi.
Al__S says:

Jul 15 2016 at 11:37 pm

Still, at least he didn't hang onto the back of a motor bike
Oli says:

Jul 16 2016 at 12:19 am

@frank

Gramital? Champaign? Land for the record? Le Toue? Has someone run over your grammar in carbon soles with cleats?
Al Shepherd says:

Jul 16 2016 at 12:49 am

What bothers me is that he abandoned his mortally wounded bike to the baying mob. Froome briefly lost his mind as the overwhelming urge to win took over but the image should have of him carrying his dead steed with him. In this there would have been great poignancy.

Ultimately, I need to look into my heart and find forgiveness though. I do this because the man attacked the peloton with the rainbow jersey and it was good. The man also descended like an absolute mentalist and it was truly exhilarating/terrifying.
Steve Trice says:

Jul 16 2016 at 12:52 am

@frank

@Clank

Excellent piece Frank. I watched Froome mincing up Ventoux in utter disbelief. Surely there could be few clearer violations of Rule #42. I was also a bit alarmed that his $18,000 Dogma couldn’t survive a nudge from a Moto as well. Surely the situation called for a casual inspection of the damage, a Gallic shrug of the shoulders and a patient wait for the replacement hideously expensive carbon Pinarello which apparently used champagne stems for seat posts. Having never worn the Maillot Jaune or even come close to winning any of my local D grade races should not of course disqualify me from criticising him, just as it doesn’t prevent me from shouting tactical orders at the TV. Rule #42 is there for a reason – it prevents us from looking even more ridiculous than we already do. A grown man wearing a yellow skivvy trying to climb a mountain in tiny tip toes does not help our cause.

You, my son, are going places. Exceptionally strong work. Champaign Stems for seat posts, that is some solid French design filtering into those Italian frames. We need to look into that. There must be some tax violations in there somewhere, that could be fun.

Land for the record, even if you’re fat, slow, and stupid, it doesn’t disqualify us (me) from judging widely from the comfort of our favorite armchair.

If it had simply been a broken seat post he would probably have carried on a la Contador, standing rather than sitting, which would have been considerably more impressive than the Speedplay Shuffle. Looks as though it was the seat stay rather than the post -
https://www.instagram.com/p/BH2X4oJgEXJ/ .
Clank says:

Jul 16 2016 at 1:18 am

@Steve Trice

@frank

@Clank

Excellent piece Frank. I watched Froome mincing up Ventoux in utter disbelief. Surely there could be few clearer violations of Rule #42. I was also a bit alarmed that his $18,000 Dogma couldn’t survive a nudge from a Moto as well. Surely the situation called for a casual inspection of the damage, a Gallic shrug of the shoulders and a patient wait for the replacement hideously expensive carbon Pinarello which apparently used champagne stems for seat posts. Having never worn the Maillot Jaune or even come close to winning any of my local D grade races should not of course disqualify me from criticising him, just as it doesn’t prevent me from shouting tactical orders at the TV. Rule #42 is there for a reason – it prevents us from looking even more ridiculous than we already do. A grown man wearing a yellow skivvy trying to climb a mountain in tiny tip toes does not help our cause.

You, my son, are going places. Exceptionally strong work. Champaign Stems for seat posts, that is some solid French design filtering into those Italian frames. We need to look into that. There must be some tax violations in there somewhere, that could be fun.

Land for the record, even if you’re fat, slow, and stupid, it doesn’t disqualify us (me) from judging widely from the comfort of our favorite armchair.

If it had simply been a broken seat post he would probably have carried on a la Contador, standing rather than sitting, which would have been considerably more impressive than the Speedplay Shuffle. Looks as though it was the seat stay rather than the post -https://www.instagram.com/p/BH2X4oJgEXJ/ .

Good point Steve - was indeed the seat stay, not post and thus bike was fubar. Still a bit disconcerting that you could conceivably pay that much for a bike (not this black duck) and have it destroyed by a large scooter. I'd accept an Abrams main battle tank but you're unlikely to encounter one of them in the Ventoux. Would fix your crowd problem though.