Categories: Defining MomentsFFS FridayRantings from the V-Bunker

On Rule #42: Running is Balls, Even for the Maillot Jaune

Stand still and get your shit together. Wait for the car and freak out like every other civilized person.

[rule number =42/]

Alright people, we heard you. Chris Froome ran. But he was going to lose the Tour de France. I’ve got news for you: Cyclocrossers run, too. So do convicts, burglars, children, footballers, and triathletes. And anyone who has ever seen a Grizzly Bear up close. And all of them ran because they were going to lose something. The person with the bear has the best case here, as far as I’m concerned, and I’ll be disappointed if they didn’t trip something with a heartbeat just to gain a little extra advantage.

Because if you’re already stooping so low as to run, your life better be on the line, and you better be willing to play dirty.

You know what the worst kind of running is? A road cyclist in carbon-soled shoes designed to be so inflexible that even Admiral Tarkin would approve of them. I once jacked up a cyclocross bike so badly I had to break the chain to get it unwound, and because I didn’t have a chain tool I ran the rest of the lap to finish the race. Finishing the race on foot was almost as humiliating as crashing because I was too dumb to appreciate that 15 PSI tires don’t corner as tightly as 110 PSI tires do.

Worst. Day. Of. My. Life.

Including that time I crapped my pantaloons on a transcontinental flight in India.

In conclusion of Froome’s Rule #42 violation, here are the facts:

Yes, Chris Froome was knocked down by race motos. (He actually crashed into another rider who was knocked down by another rider who was knocked down by a race moto.)
Yes, Chris Froome was in the Maillot Jaune and everybody knows everybody with any dignity always waits for the Maillot Jaune, no matter how many riders from the crash actually caused them to crash.
Yes, Chris Froome’s bike was broken. I’m not trying to be adversary here, but do you remember when COTHO’s bike broke in a crash on Luz Ardiden and he just rode it home to win the stage anyway? Yeah, me too. And that guy was a dick. And only dicks ride broken bikes. Chris Froome is less of a dick so shouldn’t need to ride a broken bike. Obviously.
Jens Voigt once rode a child’s bike to finish a stage within the time limit. Jens Voigt used to eat broken bikes for breakfast, just to keep regular.
Chris Froome looked so completely awful running in his little carbon ballerina slippers that he should lose the Tour de France on appearances alone.

The verdict is: he violated Rule #42 and the UCI turned a blind eye to how rotten a runner he is. Next they’ll allow motors in bike races while pretending to scan for them.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

Jul 16 2016 at 8:25 am

@Ed

@justindcady

And what is this shit about shortening the stage because of a little cross wind?!! What a sight that would have been: all those skinny little climbers blown into Spain!!
@Clank

Gold!

@kybikegirl

@frank

Pretty sure a second moto came up on the tiny carbon soled dancer lying in a heap from the first moto caused pile up and ran over his 18k dogma. Still a stupid bike but a bit more understandable as to why it’s cracked like Nairo’s desire to win the race…

And more gold!
frank says:

Jul 16 2016 at 8:27 am

@ChrisO

@Ed

@justindcady

And what is this shit about shortening the stage because of a little cross wind?!! What a sight that would have been: all those skinny little climbers blown into Spain!!
@Clank

The end times have arrived… this morning on radio I heard a golfer trash-talking cycling.

He was some functionary connected to the Open which is apparently on at the moment.

The reporter asked him a question along the lines of the conditions yesterday being much better for the earlier starters than those who teed off later. To which he replied that this wasn’t like the Tour de France, they don’t play 17 holes instead of 18 because of some wind and the players know that.

Had I been eating cereal I would have choked on it. Truly the signs of the apocalypse are with us.

That confirms it. The end is indeed nigh.
frank says:

Jul 16 2016 at 8:29 am

@Rick

To be fair I think is should be pointed out that even in a panicked state, Mr. Froome adhered to Rule #65.

It must be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully such that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or post. This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing after the World Championship Time Trial.

How did he adhere to it? He chucked it away, non?
Rick says:

Jul 16 2016 at 9:28 am

@frank

@Rick

To be fair I think is should be pointed out that even in a panicked state, Mr. Froome adhered to Rule #65.

It must be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully such that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or post. This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing after the World Championship Time Trial.

How did he adhere to it? He chucked it away, non?

He placed it carefully against the fence so that only the bars and saddle were in contact.
Russell says:

Jul 16 2016 at 9:42 am

@DVMR

Agree: IF Mr. Froome had continued to carry his steed as he minced his way up Mt. Ventoux, THAT would have been worthy of admiration, exultation even. Instead, he abandoned his loyal Dogma as if abandoning his pooch on a dark country lane because it pooped in his shoes. For shame, Mr. Froome. For shame.
ChrisO says:

Jul 16 2016 at 10:04 am

@frank

@Rick

To be fair I think is should be pointed out that even in a panicked state, Mr. Froome adhered to Rule #65.

It must be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully such that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or post. This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing after the World Championship Time Trial.

How did he adhere to it? He chucked it away, non?

He didn't just chuck it into the crowd. He deliberately leaned it against one of the motos that had stopped.
Dean C says:

Jul 16 2016 at 10:10 am

I don't blame him one bit; the place was a shit-show. The mob of people were in charge and he made a decision, we have no idea what his race radio was telling him to do.

If I was on his radio I would have told him to haul ass, leave the bike we are on the way and will catch up as fast as we can make our way through this drunken mob in their fucked up outfits.

This was a case of the fans getting what they wanted with no thoughts for the safety or fairness of the race. If Froome or any of the other riders crashed on their own, in a open area with zero outside influences and started running without their bike it would be a different matter, but this was crowd induced.

I say shame on the officials for allowing such things, and like any kind of mob or crowd that gets its way- it just emboldens them for further douchbagery.
Randy C says:

Jul 16 2016 at 2:31 pm

@Dean C

I don’t blame him one bit; the place was a shit-show. The mob of people were in charge and he made a decision, we have no idea what his race radio was telling him to do.

If I was on his radio I would have told him to haul ass, leave the bike we are on the way and will catch up as fast as we can make our way through this drunken mob in their fucked up outfits.

This was a case of the fans getting what they wanted with no thoughts for the safety or fairness of the race. If Froome or any of the other riders crashed on their own, in a open area with zero outside influences and started running without their bike it would be a different matter, but this was crowd induced.

I say shame on the officials for allowing such things, and like any kind of mob or crowd that gets its way- it just emboldens them for further douchbagery.

10-4 to all this. Froome did not stand around but made things happen by taking off up the road in what was a purely wacked situation. I love it. Oh if only he'd hoisted his bike on to his shoulder and took off it would've been pure gold. Or have jumped on the downed moto… joking.

@kybikegirl >>> cracked like Nairo's desire… <<< I bet you're right about this! Perfect. Maybe, just maybe, he's icy cold cool and simply waiting for the last week… doubt it.
Ccos says:

Jul 16 2016 at 3:39 pm

@Dean C

Agreed. Personally, I blame Poland, or at least that numb-nuts wearing the Polish flag with a sign which stated (if my Polish is up to snuff) "I am a douchbag, run me over."

I'm just glad my kids weren't watching it go down with me (their vocabularies would have been expanded mightily).
wiscot says:

Jul 16 2016 at 4:22 pm

I think that a couple of things need to be considered here:even though these pros do it regularly and for a living, crowds like they had on the Ventoux have got to make the top riders shit scared. They know that one of two drunken assholes can wreck their race and/or their season. Add in the physical effort to the psychological stress and the adrenalin must be pumping like crazy. If I was in Froome's Sidis, would I want to just stand there amidst the braying mob and suffer untold indignities or get the hell out of there, however ungainly? He made a split second call and ran, giving us what will, quite frankly, be one of the classic Tour images.

BTW, I've seen the footage of wee Nairo getting some "neutral" assistance care of a Mavic wheel. Movistar need to STFU.