Categories: Defining MomentsFFS FridayRantings from the V-Bunker

On Rule #42: Running is Balls, Even for the Maillot Jaune

Stand still and get your shit together. Wait for the car and freak out like every other civilized person.

[rule number =42/]

Alright people, we heard you. Chris Froome ran. But he was going to lose the Tour de France. I’ve got news for you: Cyclocrossers run, too. So do convicts, burglars, children, footballers, and triathletes. And anyone who has ever seen a Grizzly Bear up close. And all of them ran because they were going to lose something. The person with the bear has the best case here, as far as I’m concerned, and I’ll be disappointed if they didn’t trip something with a heartbeat just to gain a little extra advantage.

Because if you’re already stooping so low as to run, your life better be on the line, and you better be willing to play dirty.

You know what the worst kind of running is? A road cyclist in carbon-soled shoes designed to be so inflexible that even Admiral Tarkin would approve of them. I once jacked up a cyclocross bike so badly I had to break the chain to get it unwound, and because I didn’t have a chain tool I ran the rest of the lap to finish the race. Finishing the race on foot was almost as humiliating as crashing because I was too dumb to appreciate that 15 PSI tires don’t corner as tightly as 110 PSI tires do.

Worst. Day. Of. My. Life.

Including that time I crapped my pantaloons on a transcontinental flight in India.

In conclusion of Froome’s Rule #42 violation, here are the facts:

Yes, Chris Froome was knocked down by race motos. (He actually crashed into another rider who was knocked down by another rider who was knocked down by a race moto.)
Yes, Chris Froome was in the Maillot Jaune and everybody knows everybody with any dignity always waits for the Maillot Jaune, no matter how many riders from the crash actually caused them to crash.
Yes, Chris Froome’s bike was broken. I’m not trying to be adversary here, but do you remember when COTHO’s bike broke in a crash on Luz Ardiden and he just rode it home to win the stage anyway? Yeah, me too. And that guy was a dick. And only dicks ride broken bikes. Chris Froome is less of a dick so shouldn’t need to ride a broken bike. Obviously.
Jens Voigt once rode a child’s bike to finish a stage within the time limit. Jens Voigt used to eat broken bikes for breakfast, just to keep regular.
Chris Froome looked so completely awful running in his little carbon ballerina slippers that he should lose the Tour de France on appearances alone.

The verdict is: he violated Rule #42 and the UCI turned a blind eye to how rotten a runner he is. Next they’ll allow motors in bike races while pretending to scan for them.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

VbyV says:

Jul 16 2016 at 5:00 pm

Just one observation. Isn't there a rule which states that riders involved in a crash within 3km of the finish will get the same time as the group they crashed with? Maybe this is only true for sprint finishes? If not, the they were right to give Frome and Porte the same time as Mollema. Rules are Rules, and must be followed.
Oli says:

Jul 16 2016 at 6:37 pm

@VbyV

Apparently that rule doesn't apply on uphill/mountain finishes, so in the end it was up to the commissaire's discretion. I'm sure their decision was helped by Adam Yates' loudly and repeatedly stated wishes that he not get the jersey through this incident.

@Dean C

Hear, hear.

I love that Froome has said that they're constantly joking about the running in the Sky bus - imagine if he was taking it all too seriously when it's so patently ridiculous!
american psycho says:

Jul 16 2016 at 8:27 pm

@ChrisO

amen
dyalander says:

Jul 17 2016 at 9:22 am

Porte should have punched him in the face for running too close to the riders as he rode past.

Also, it happens more often than you might think:
dyalander says:

Jul 17 2016 at 9:25 am

@dyalander

Porte should have punched him in the face for running too close to the riders as he rode past.

Also, it happens more often than you might think:

Cancellara pacing Contador back in their Saxo days.
Ken says:

Jul 17 2016 at 11:16 am

PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME, PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME, PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME, PEANUT BETTER WITH A BASEBALL BAT..................
Marcus says:

Jul 17 2016 at 4:38 pm

@frank

I recall a story about you running across a bike course during a certain French road race in 2006. Another good reason for you to eschew running.

Maybe Paolo Salvodelli gave you a passing thought last week too.
Cammack says:

Jul 17 2016 at 8:23 pm

Looks like Froomey should try out for the Kenyan track team for Rio this summer with those running skills.
Jean-Paul Allez says:

Jul 18 2016 at 8:25 am

@frank

I must argue in the Rechtbank van eerste aanleg (thanks, Wikipedia). Court of First Instance on behalf of Monsieur Froome.

Upon the last paragraph of explanation of Rule #42, ...and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should only run fast enough to prevent capture. (sic)

Your Honor, I rest my case.
Owen says:

Jul 18 2016 at 8:54 am

@frank

@Owen

@Frank You should give us a list of rules that it is and is not OK for the pros to break. Just so we all know.

Ignoring the grammatical errors in your request:

Rules that are OK for the Pros to break: Zero.

Rules that are Not OK for the Pros to break: All of them.

The fact is, The Rules aren’t about Looking Pro, they are about Looking (and therefore feeling) Fantastic.

Grammatical errors add nuance and character to my posts, like a fine wine.

Which is better, to look fantastic atop the podium in Paris or stand there to avoid running? Someone somewhere argued that he *was* being chased and only ran fast enough to avoid losing yellow.