Categories: Defining MomentsFFS FridayRantings from the V-Bunker

On Rule #42: Running is Balls, Even for the Maillot Jaune

Stand still and get your shit together. Wait for the car and freak out like every other civilized person.

[rule number =42/]

Alright people, we heard you. Chris Froome ran. But he was going to lose the Tour de France. I’ve got news for you: Cyclocrossers run, too. So do convicts, burglars, children, footballers, and triathletes. And anyone who has ever seen a Grizzly Bear up close. And all of them ran because they were going to lose something. The person with the bear has the best case here, as far as I’m concerned, and I’ll be disappointed if they didn’t trip something with a heartbeat just to gain a little extra advantage.

Because if you’re already stooping so low as to run, your life better be on the line, and you better be willing to play dirty.

You know what the worst kind of running is? A road cyclist in carbon-soled shoes designed to be so inflexible that even Admiral Tarkin would approve of them. I once jacked up a cyclocross bike so badly I had to break the chain to get it unwound, and because I didn’t have a chain tool I ran the rest of the lap to finish the race. Finishing the race on foot was almost as humiliating as crashing because I was too dumb to appreciate that 15 PSI tires don’t corner as tightly as 110 PSI tires do.

Worst. Day. Of. My. Life.

Including that time I crapped my pantaloons on a transcontinental flight in India.

In conclusion of Froome’s Rule #42 violation, here are the facts:

Yes, Chris Froome was knocked down by race motos. (He actually crashed into another rider who was knocked down by another rider who was knocked down by a race moto.)
Yes, Chris Froome was in the Maillot Jaune and everybody knows everybody with any dignity always waits for the Maillot Jaune, no matter how many riders from the crash actually caused them to crash.
Yes, Chris Froome’s bike was broken. I’m not trying to be adversary here, but do you remember when COTHO’s bike broke in a crash on Luz Ardiden and he just rode it home to win the stage anyway? Yeah, me too. And that guy was a dick. And only dicks ride broken bikes. Chris Froome is less of a dick so shouldn’t need to ride a broken bike. Obviously.
Jens Voigt once rode a child’s bike to finish a stage within the time limit. Jens Voigt used to eat broken bikes for breakfast, just to keep regular.
Chris Froome looked so completely awful running in his little carbon ballerina slippers that he should lose the Tour de France on appearances alone.

The verdict is: he violated Rule #42 and the UCI turned a blind eye to how rotten a runner he is. Next they’ll allow motors in bike races while pretending to scan for them.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

justindcady says:

Jul 15 2016 at 7:14 pm

LOL at the Jensie factoid at the bottom. @frank could be onto something there. Chuck Norris got some time in the light having good endless facts conceived about him. Why not Jens?!
Owen says:

Jul 15 2016 at 7:25 pm

@Frank You should give us a list of rules that it is and is not OK for the pros to break. Just so we all know.
Clank says:

Jul 15 2016 at 7:42 pm

Excellent piece Frank. I watched Froome mincing up Ventoux in utter disbelief. Surely there could be few clearer violations of Rule 42. I was also a bit alarmed that his $18,000 Dogma couldn't survive a nudge from a Moto as well. Surely the situation called for a casual inspection of the damage, a Gallic shrug of the shoulders and a patient wait for the replacement hideously expensive carbon Pinarello which apparently used champagne stems for seat posts. Having never worn the Maillot Jaune or even come close to winning any of my local D grade races should not of course disqualify me from criticising him, just as it doesn't prevent me from shouting tactical orders at the TV. Rule 42 is there for a reason - it prevents us from looking even more ridiculous than we already do. A grown man wearing a yellow skivvy trying to climb a mountain in tiny tip toes does not help our cause.
Alwi Yunus says:

Jul 15 2016 at 7:45 pm

The absolutely heartbreaking sight of Froome running without his bike must have factored into the decision to award him Molemma's time and keep him in Yellow. I've not been his greatest fan but this Tour has shown a tenacity that few can match. Chapeau Chris Froome. You may run ugly and ride ugly but you're a better man than most on that mountain.
piwakawaka says:

Jul 15 2016 at 8:37 pm

They made the wrong call. Froome made the wrong call. Abandoning your bike without a replacement is wrong. Running? wrong, wrong, wrong. This was a racing incident.

This could have been one of the great stories of the Tour, the leading rider dealt a cruel blow just as he was about to crush his rivals, waits interminably long for his trusty lieutenants to come to his aid, finally to the dismay of his legions of fans he completes the course to face an enormous deficit the following day, which of course he duly recovers with one of the greatest ITT in history, driven by anger at his treatment and the energy he saved whilst waiting tranquillo for a bike to ride to the finish the day before.

Holding onto a moto is also wrong.
Clank says:

Jul 15 2016 at 9:13 pm

Loved the footage of him on the yellow toy bike with the Mavic pedals though. Reminded me a lot of my pedalling style and bike handling skills.
Iandays says:

Jul 15 2016 at 9:31 pm

Something else is bothering me. There's all this hoohah about disc brakes not being compatible and the neutral service is going to be up the shit, because disc brakes are the work of the devil (not that devil). Not only are they rotating blades of death, but they render the neutral service vehicle useless...

What the fuck did we just see? They didn't have a bike that fitted the leader of the race, in either size or shoes. It would have been just as useful if it did have disc brakes.

I reckon more riders should be signing on in the morning in MTB shoes. Just in case.
Fritz says:

Jul 15 2016 at 10:12 pm

And what about rule #69....Chris froome broke rule #69 too....
Racingsnake says:

Jul 15 2016 at 10:38 pm

Chris Froome aka Twinkle Toes aka Tiny Carbon Soled Dancer.
Oli says:

Jul 15 2016 at 10:49 pm

All neutral bikes should be fitted with flat rubber pedals so what cleat system isn't a problem.

I'm just glad the commissaires came to the correct decision - it would have been a travesty if Froome had lost yellow because of fuckwit fans and too many close motos.