Categories: Defining MomentsExportLa Vie Velominatus

The Cleansing

This kind of work is more for the body and soul than it is for the road.

After a night of sinning, the body must be cleansed.

-The Prophet, Eddy Merckx

After a week away in Atlanta for business, I feel thick and heavy. These trips away are killers; the shift in time zones means the already-too long work day is extended by a further three hours. I try my best to watch my diet, but in a town like Atlanta where even sushi is deep-fried, it’s virtually impossible. Crap food, crap sleep, and crap hours is no way to keep this fine-tuned engine of mine humming; every day I felt the sharpness leaving my body little by little.

So today, through the application of a sense of desperation combined with a not-insignificant amount of stupidity, I will cleanse the body in a single flash of blinding brilliance. I will start by skipping lunch, which is always a good way to sharpen the senses even if it tends to speed up any prospective visit from the Man with the Hammer. But the purpose of my ride today is to venture as deeply into the Caveau du Pain as quickly as possible; I find this is a good way to jump-start the process.

I will point the bike at the biggest and steepest hills and hit the first of them at full gas. I want the legs deadened as quickly as possible. This ride is meant to cleanse the mind as much as the body and a strong body can be a crutch for a weak mind; if I soften my legs from the start, I will need to rely more heavily on my Will, the total focus and concentration on forcing the legs will serve to flush it further.

As I cast my mind forward to the ride this afternoon, I can see myself on the steepest climb of the day – a 1.5 km leg-breaker with 22% pitches of several hundred meters. I can feel the pressure in my legs, the bursting sensation of my lungs as I claw my way up. I’m not built for this sort of climb; I can get up it fairly well on sheer determination, but it will take its pound of flesh. At the summit, I will feel crippled as the change in rhythm of hitting the false flat over the top is almost as brutal as the climb itself. But soon the lactic acid will flush away and leave me feeling renewed.

Pain is like a sieve for the soul whose purifying effect is directly proportional to the magnitude of the suffering. I will feel clean tonight, I will be renewed. VLVV.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

mouse says:

Aug 22 2014 at 3:39 pm

@BatDan

On the other hand a good shit and a quick bash of the bishop can have the same effect in a fraction of the time.

This man has just won the internet
razmaspaz says:

Aug 22 2014 at 6:47 pm

You've just brought into sharp relief what a terrible idea a week in Vegas is going to turn out to be when I get back and realize I have 7 days before the start of 'cross season. Much suffering will be required.
Harminator says:

Aug 22 2014 at 11:03 pm

@mouse

@BatDan

On the other hand a good shit and a quick bash of the bishop can have the same effect in a fraction of the time.

This man has just won the internet

Agreed. I think his full name is Master BatDan.
Cog says:

Aug 23 2014 at 3:16 am

Purification thru suffering. Yes.
Ron says:

Aug 23 2014 at 9:27 am

I'm pretty happy I don't have to travel for work that often. I absolutely cannot sleep in hotel beds. It awful.

Atlanta. The closest I got was the 15 lanes on the highway. For some reason, I feel like that was enough of the city for me.
Bespoke says:

Aug 23 2014 at 11:22 am

Notwithstanding Rule #5, is it so necessary to construe masochism with joy, as a means to atonement?
VeloJello says:

Aug 23 2014 at 1:23 pm

@Harminator

@mouse

@BatDan

On the other hand a good shit and a quick bash of the bishop can have the same effect in a fraction of the time.

This man has just won the internet

Agreed. I think his full name is Master BatDan.

Ha ha ha! This +1

Quite often, a quick shit, a burp of the worm and then a flat 10km along the coast does the job for me. Empty bowels, empty nuts, sea air. Purification at it's finest.
Owen says:

Aug 23 2014 at 6:44 pm

If ever there was a time to observe the masturbation principle, certainly this has to be it.

Oh by the way 5 beers so 80K. Don't worry cabs were in effect. Heavy legs this morning and I'm reasonably certain I smelled like a distillery.
Red Atom says:

Aug 24 2014 at 1:03 pm

@VeloJello

Quite often, a quick shit, a burp of the worm and then a flat 10km along the coast does the job for me. Empty bowels, empty nuts, sea air. Purification at it's finest.

Aristotle?
frank says:

Aug 24 2014 at 6:46 pm

@Nate

@Teocalli

Caveau du Pain. Hmmm. Let me see.

Caveau is the French word given to a small cellar used exclusively to house the finest of wines.

Pain = Bread

So the "legs deadened as quickly as possible" is a figment of the second bottle down in the cellar, the "cast my mind forward...." is a figment of bottle #3. The Bread is just to keep you going and the Man with the Hammer will be there in the morning?

Methinks we've finally sussed you?

Obviously @frank is aging his bread in the caveau until the ergot fungus germinates on it. He eats the moldy bread. Then while he is hallucinating from its effects he pens these deeply philosophical articles.

I'm right here you guys. I can read this, you know.