Categories: Defining MomentsExportLa Vie Velominatus

The Cleansing

This kind of work is more for the body and soul than it is for the road.

After a night of sinning, the body must be cleansed.

-The Prophet, Eddy Merckx

After a week away in Atlanta for business, I feel thick and heavy. These trips away are killers; the shift in time zones means the already-too long work day is extended by a further three hours. I try my best to watch my diet, but in a town like Atlanta where even sushi is deep-fried, it’s virtually impossible. Crap food, crap sleep, and crap hours is no way to keep this fine-tuned engine of mine humming; every day I felt the sharpness leaving my body little by little.

So today, through the application of a sense of desperation combined with a not-insignificant amount of stupidity, I will cleanse the body in a single flash of blinding brilliance. I will start by skipping lunch, which is always a good way to sharpen the senses even if it tends to speed up any prospective visit from the Man with the Hammer. But the purpose of my ride today is to venture as deeply into the Caveau du Pain as quickly as possible; I find this is a good way to jump-start the process.

I will point the bike at the biggest and steepest hills and hit the first of them at full gas. I want the legs deadened as quickly as possible. This ride is meant to cleanse the mind as much as the body and a strong body can be a crutch for a weak mind; if I soften my legs from the start, I will need to rely more heavily on my Will, the total focus and concentration on forcing the legs will serve to flush it further.

As I cast my mind forward to the ride this afternoon, I can see myself on the steepest climb of the day – a 1.5 km leg-breaker with 22% pitches of several hundred meters. I can feel the pressure in my legs, the bursting sensation of my lungs as I claw my way up. I’m not built for this sort of climb; I can get up it fairly well on sheer determination, but it will take its pound of flesh. At the summit, I will feel crippled as the change in rhythm of hitting the false flat over the top is almost as brutal as the climb itself. But soon the lactic acid will flush away and leave me feeling renewed.

Pain is like a sieve for the soul whose purifying effect is directly proportional to the magnitude of the suffering. I will feel clean tonight, I will be renewed. VLVV.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

Aug 24 2014 at 6:47 pm

@Owen

VMH is out of town with friends this weekend, and I have grand plans to hang out tonight with a good friend of mine who also happens to be the head brewer at a spot in town. What do we think, 15-20K penance in the morning per beer consumed this evening?

Perfect.

"I earned this beer. I'm working out tomorrow."
frank says:

Aug 24 2014 at 6:48 pm

@Owen

@Teocalli

@Nate

@Teocalli

Caveau du Pain. Hmmm. Let me see.

Caveau is the French word given to a small cellar used exclusively to house the finest of wines.

Pain = Bread

So the "legs deadened as quickly as possible" is a figment of the second bottle down in the cellar, the "cast my mind forward...." is a figment of bottle #3. The Bread is just to keep you going and the Man with the Hammer will be there in the morning?

Methinks we've finally sussed you?

Obviously @frank is aging his bread in the caveau until the ergot fungus germinates on it. He eats the moldy bread. Then while he is hallucinating from its effects he pens these deeply philosophical articles.

Like it, you could be onto something there!

Are we certain he's not on something harder than ergot fungus when he's penning these?

Seriously. STILL HERE. STILL READING.

Merckx.

@BatDan

On the other hand a good shit and a quick bash of the bishop can have the same effect in a fraction of the time.

Da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na BATDAN!
frank says:

Aug 24 2014 at 6:50 pm

@razmaspaz

You've just brought into sharp relief what a terrible idea a week in Vegas is going to turn out to be when I get back and realize I have 7 days before the start of 'cross season. Much suffering will be required.

That's why they do Cross Vegas during Interbike.

@Ron

I'm pretty happy I don't have to travel for work that often. I absolutely cannot sleep in hotel beds. It awful.

Atlanta. The closest I got was the 15 lanes on the highway. For some reason, I feel like that was enough of the city for me.

I was rushing up the escalator to get to the MARTA (awesome transit system BTW) and this woman was blocking my A-Type progress. She turns to me, "WHAT YOU RUSHIN' FOR? IT MOVES FOR YOU!"
frank says:

Aug 24 2014 at 6:52 pm

@Bespoke

Notwithstanding Rule #5, is it so necessary to construe masochism with joy, as a means to atonement?

In a word, yes. But if it pays you back with happiness, is it really masochism?
frank says:

Aug 24 2014 at 6:53 pm

@Red Atom

@VeloJello

Quite often, a quick shit, a burp of the worm and then a flat 10km along the coast does the job for me. Empty bowels, empty nuts, sea air. Purification at it's finest.

Aristotle?

Give this man a prize!
Bespoke says:

Aug 24 2014 at 7:21 pm

@frank

@Bespoke

Notwithstanding Rule #5, is it so necessary to construe masochism with joy, as a means to atonement?

In a word, yes. But if it pays you back with happiness, is it really masochism?

Nice. To answer your question, I believe yes, in a perverse way. You'll probably like this too:

"I saw in his hand a long spear of gold, and at the iron's point there seemed to be a little fire. He appeared to me to be thrusting it at times into my heart, and to pierce my very entrails; when he drew it out, he seemed to draw them out also, and to leave me all on fire with a great love of God. The pain was so great, that it made me moan; and yet so surpassing was the sweetness of this excessive pain, that I could not wish to be rid of it. The soul is satisfied now with nothing less than God. The pain is not bodily, but spiritual; though the body has its share in it. It is a caressing of love so sweet which now takes place between the soul and God, that I pray God of His goodness to make him experience it who may think that I am lying."

The Life of Teresa of Jesus' (1515-1582)
Nate says:

Aug 24 2014 at 11:03 pm

@frank

@Nate

@Teocalli

Caveau du Pain. Hmmm. Let me see.

Caveau is the French word given to a small cellar used exclusively to house the finest of wines.

Pain = Bread

So the "legs deadened as quickly as possible" is a figment of the second bottle down in the cellar, the "cast my mind forward...." is a figment of bottle #3. The Bread is just to keep you going and the Man with the Hammer will be there in the morning?

Methinks we've finally sussed you?

Obviously @frank is aging his bread in the caveau until the ergot fungus germinates on it. He eats the moldy bread. Then while he is hallucinating from its effects he pens these deeply philosophical articles.

I'm right here you guys. I can read this, you know.

One only formulates such absurd ideas out of a deep interest in discovering where the magic comes from.
scaler911 says:

Aug 24 2014 at 11:38 pm

Thank you Frank. I've been away far too long. I resolve to fix that.
PeakInTwoYears says:

Aug 25 2014 at 5:36 am

@Bespoke

The Life of Teresa of Jesus' (1515-1582)

When that statue went on display, some wag is said to have remarked, "If this be spiritual love, I know it well."
unversio says:

Aug 25 2014 at 6:32 am

Committed to an 8-week cleansing series that requires riding each Sunday 50 miler recovery on an empty stomach. [ Grand Moff Tarkin voice ] "This had better work."