Categories: EtiquetteLa Vie VelominatusMusings from the V-Bunker

Breathing Through Your Ears

Phantom aero in the snow. Top marks, Michele.

Suffering is part of Cycling the way alcohol is part of liver failure: they are obviously connected but it’s too much fun to stop and think about why you do it. Grace finds us through La Volupté, but her touch is rare and we generally are far better acquainted with her husband, The Man with the Hammer. That guy is a bit of an asshole.

We typically don’t want to let anyone we’re riding with know how much we’re suffering, but I do admit to indulging in a Virenque or Voekler-style Five-Face to further bewilder the passing traffic while I’m killing it up the local leg breaker or crushing the 53×11 while overtaking the cars along the various boulevards in town.

But any time I’m riding with someone, I go to great lengths to ensure I hide my suffering in totality. I’ll start chatting to the rider next to me whenever I hurt. Or when I don’t hurt but I know they’re hurting. You know the drill. Bernard Hinault used to attack whenever he felt really like shit because if he was off the front, no one could see how much he was suffering. That’s a really good way to go about it, so long as your name starts with “Bernard” and ends with “Hinault”.

There is an expression in Cycling, “Breathing through your ears”. It’s meaning is twofold; on one hand it means you’re feeling desperate to open up any orifice in your body to allow more oxygen into the organism, on account of the wholesale suffering that you’re experiencing. On the other hand, it means you’re also not breathing through your mouth, for fear of betraying your Suffer Monkey Score to those you’re riding with.

Both interpretations are equally valid; take your pick. Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Teocalli says:

Feb 11 2016 at 2:20 am

I've heard tell of people breathing through their eyes and also come across that as a terms for a balls out effort but as far as I know only fish breath through their ears. Sort of.
the Engine says:

Feb 11 2016 at 3:55 am

@RobSandy

@the Engine

Other than Rules #5 and #9 which deal with suffering more or less without saying do we have a Rule on the perfect amount of suffering that is to be experienced whilst taking part in a: solo ride; group ride; race?

Rule #10.

Kinda - but I think that "only" sets a benchmark for performance improvement. What I'm driving at is there a way of calibrating suffering? Suffering I feel is not the same as "effort" or "performance".
frank says:

Feb 11 2016 at 4:34 am

@the Engine

If you're asking the question, you're not going hard enough.
Teocalli says:

Feb 11 2016 at 4:48 am

@the Engine

How about:

Stage 1 - Pain

Stage 2 - Throwing Up

Stage 3 - Unconsciousness

Stage 4 - Best avoided
Major VVald says:

Feb 11 2016 at 4:55 am
@the Engine

Rule #TBD:
1. if at any time during a solo ride, you find yourself noticing the smells of the flowers or the beautiful scenery, apply more V because you are doing it wrong.
2. if at any time during a group ride you find yourself able to hold forth at length about the benefits and drawbacks of the latest UCI ruling, you are sandbagging and must immediately strive to lift the pace since you are clearly not pulling enough when it is your turn on the front. For shame. (exception: if you are doing this on purpose to give the local bloviator a taste of their own medicine).
3. if at any time during a race you find it easy to breathe you are doing it absolutely wrong.
4. if at any time you find yourself on a trainer mindlessly zoning out while pretending to attack Ventoux on Zwift, jump off immediately, proceed directly to the nearest mirror, berate yourself for being such a pansy, apply more V and get on with Rule #9. Trainers/rollers may only be used for warm ups prior to a race or epic ride.
5. this bullet is intentionally left blank.
Buck Rogers says:

Feb 11 2016 at 5:03 am

@RobSandy

I only picked up on two words from that article, and they were ‘Bernard’ and ‘Hinault’. Read Fotheringham’s book on him over Christmas, and more than ever I just want to be him.

I’m going to have to start attacking off the front whenever I’m in the red. That’s a great plan.

Damn! I need this book! Adding to the list!
Buck Rogers says:

Feb 11 2016 at 5:09 am

Fucking GREAT article, Frahnk! Totally brings me back to 1988 when my 16 year old self (ahh to be there again) was in my first race and on the first climb I noticed a few of the racers trying to chat it up and smiling while I was dying. At that time I could not figure out how the hell they were doing it. Slowly, over that year, I learned what they were up to and it is something that I have taken forward with me to all aspect of my life, not just cycling. I actually won an award in a pretty awful and tough Army school b/c I just kept on smiling and trying to be cheerful with the guys while we were getting the shit kicked out of us. THAT was a lesson I learned on the gradients of New England in my youth on my Cannondale.

One could say that cycling teaches us how to best live the unfortunate moments of our life when we are not able to be cycling.
Buck Rogers says:

Feb 11 2016 at 5:14 am

But did you have to post another Mapei kit, FFS???

(and since my Mum always said don't complain unless you have a solution, I offer you LeMan instead; a man who always seemed to be able to smile through the pain)
Harminator says:

Feb 11 2016 at 5:55 am

@the Engine

@RobSandy

@the Engine

Other than Rules #5 and #9 which deal with suffering more or less without saying do we have a Rule on the perfect amount of suffering that is to be experienced whilst taking part in a: solo ride; group ride; race?

Rule #10.

Kinda – but I think that “only” sets a benchmark for performance improvement. What I’m driving at is there a way of calibrating suffering? Suffering I feel is not the same as “effort” or “performance”.

Maybe a hammer rating. I had a 4 hammer ride last Friday...
hudson says:

Feb 11 2016 at 6:39 am

Just simple math folks.

required effort / pain endurable for the duration = max suffering, + 1 oz of V

So if you complete the ride without meeting the Man with the Hammer, it will be just barely.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKhkvSRQZYo

(Why would someone run 26 miles after bicycles have been invented? props either way to the ladies.)