Categories: EtiquetteLa Vie VelominatusMusings from the V-Bunker

Breathing Through Your Ears

Phantom aero in the snow. Top marks, Michele.

Suffering is part of Cycling the way alcohol is part of liver failure: they are obviously connected but it’s too much fun to stop and think about why you do it. Grace finds us through La Volupté, but her touch is rare and we generally are far better acquainted with her husband, The Man with the Hammer. That guy is a bit of an asshole.

We typically don’t want to let anyone we’re riding with know how much we’re suffering, but I do admit to indulging in a Virenque or Voekler-style Five-Face to further bewilder the passing traffic while I’m killing it up the local leg breaker or crushing the 53×11 while overtaking the cars along the various boulevards in town.

But any time I’m riding with someone, I go to great lengths to ensure I hide my suffering in totality. I’ll start chatting to the rider next to me whenever I hurt. Or when I don’t hurt but I know they’re hurting. You know the drill. Bernard Hinault used to attack whenever he felt really like shit because if he was off the front, no one could see how much he was suffering. That’s a really good way to go about it, so long as your name starts with “Bernard” and ends with “Hinault”.

There is an expression in Cycling, “Breathing through your ears”. It’s meaning is twofold; on one hand it means you’re feeling desperate to open up any orifice in your body to allow more oxygen into the organism, on account of the wholesale suffering that you’re experiencing. On the other hand, it means you’re also not breathing through your mouth, for fear of betraying your Suffer Monkey Score to those you’re riding with.

Both interpretations are equally valid; take your pick. Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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chris says:

Feb 11 2016 at 8:45 am
@Major VVald
@the Engine

Rule #TBD:
1. if at any time during a solo ride, you find yourself noticing the smells of the flowers or the beautiful scenery, apply more V because you are doing it wrong.
2. if at any time during a group ride you find yourself able to hold forth at length about the benefits and drawbacks of the latest UCI ruling, you are sandbagging and must immediately strive to lift the pace since you are clearly not pulling enough when it is your turn on the front. For shame. (exception: if you are doing this on purpose to give the local bloviator a taste of their own medicine).
3. if at any time during a race you find it easy to breathe you are doing it absolutely wrong.
4. if at any time you find yourself on a trainer mindlessly zoning out while pretending to attack Ventoux on Zwift, jump off immediately, proceed directly to the nearest mirror, berate yourself for being such a pansy, apply more V and get on with Rule #9. Trainers/rollers may only be used for warm ups prior to a race or epic ride.
5. this bullet is intentionally left blank.
There are numerous holes to pick out in that bunch but to keep it short and sweet; the number five is not a bullet point.

@the Engine

@Teocalli

@the Engine

How about:

Stage 1 – Pain

Stage 2 – Throwing Up

Stage 3 – Unconsciousness

Stage 4 – Best avoided

We do need a Rule about the necessity of throwing up on the line. After the line means you weren’t riding hard enough. Before the line is a misjudgement of effort.

Throwing up before the line is perfectly acceptable as long as you don't slow down during the act.

It could be argued that it would be proper etiquette to remove oneself to the back of the bunch to avoid collateral damage but the mention of a line suggests racing rather than training.
Sparty says:

Feb 11 2016 at 9:02 am

@wiscot

@Ron

@Sparty

I fractured my nose four times. The first two happened during high school. It was after the third fracture, while wrestling collegiately, that I required surgery to fix my deviated septum. Such a horrible procedure. I’ll spare you the details. After mending, I was able to breathe freely through my nose. Unfortunately, a season later, I suffered my fourth fracture and deviated the septum. I was not keen to undergo surgery a second time only to break it again. Lucky, I did not suffer a fifth fracture (knock wood). Today, I struggle to move enough air through my nose during long/hard efforts and must resort to open mouth breathing. Now, I do a wicked Voekler imitation.

Good lord. Having wrestled as a kid, I know how hard the sport is. Maybe harder and more thankless than cycling? Largely ignored as a sport (at least in the U.S.), hours of hard training, endless weight watching, and no easy wins. Ugh.

It might not be a huge pro sport here in the US, but at the high school (and some colleges) level, wrestling is still huge – at least here in the midwest.

Yep. Wrestling remains a keystone sport where I live. I coached it for 17 years. My Alma Mater won four national championships in the past five years.
chris says:

Feb 11 2016 at 9:07 am

@Buck Rogers

@Major VVald

@the Engine

In no cases can trainer sessions be construed as suffering in any shape or form.

http://www.velominati.com/guest-article/indoors-at-the-v-and-dime/

See Frahnk’s intro and read our dear friend JiPM’s (where has he gone???) article.

I was just reading through that and came across these wise words from Chris Boardman that I'd posted back then. If this can't be construed as suffering then I might as well give up.

“We’re used to working hard on the track, road and gym, week in week out, but these drills on the turbo stand alone in terms of pain. It’s a love-hate relationship that I have with these particular sessions. We only do them at certain points in the season and there’s no two ways about it – they hurt.They hurt a lot.

The thing is, you know the benefit they can bring and you know that the real returns only come when you push yourself right to the limit of your pain tolerances. After the full set of sprints which are interspersed with very short recovery times, I usually collapse into a heap on the crash mat next to the bike.

The searing pain in your legs is horrible and you begin to shutdown totally as you retreat into a dark little place for a while. You feel sick and indeed often are sick. It can get pretty messy. And every time you do it you convince yourself that you have never felt this bad before, you must be ill or something is badly wrong with you. Never again.

And then, every time, after about 15 minutes in the foetal position the mist and pain lifts and you start feeling OK, a bit groggy and your muscles ache but basically all right. So you get up and do it all again.

The strange thing is that counter-intuitively you actually suffer more as your conditioning improves. You are able to produce more power, create a greater concentration of lactate in the blood and therefore hurt yourself more. You’d think it would get easier but it most certainly doesn’t!

It’s very tough but I always feel reassured to complete such a block.”

It should be appended to rule 10.
Ccos says:

Feb 11 2016 at 9:29 am
@chris
@Major VVald
@the Engine

Rule #TBD:

if at any time during a solo ride, you find yourself noticing the smells of the flowers or the beautiful scenery, apply more V because you are doing it wrong.

if at any time during a group ride you find yourself able to hold forth at length about the benefits and drawbacks of the latest UCI ruling, you are sandbagging and must immediately strive to lift the pace since you are clearly not pulling enough when it is your turn on the front. For shame. (exception: if you are doing this on purpose to give the local bloviator a taste of their own medicine).

if at any time during a race you find it easy to breathe you are doing it absolutely wrong.

if at any time you find yourself on a trainer mindlessly zoning out while pretending to attack Ventoux on Zwift, jump off immediately, proceed directly to the nearest mirror, berate yourself for being such a pansy, apply more V and get on with Rule #9. Trainers/rollers may only be used for warm ups prior to a race or epic ride.

this bullet is intentionally left blank.
There are numerous holes to pick out in that bunch but to keep it short and sweet; the number five is not a bullet point.

@the Engine

@Teocalli

@the Engine

How about:

Stage 1 – Pain

Stage 2 – Throwing Up

Stage 3 – Unconsciousness

Stage 4 – Best avoided

We do need a Rule about the necessity of throwing up on the line. After the line means you weren’t riding hard enough. Before the line is a misjudgement of effort.

Throwing up before the line is perfectly acceptable as long as you don’t slow down during the act.

It could be argued that it would be proper etiquette to remove oneself to the back of the bunch to avoid collateral damage but the mention of a line suggests racing rather than training.
Saw a guy barf before the start line. Carb-off loading we called it.
the Engine says:

Feb 11 2016 at 9:33 am

@Teocalli

@the Engine

We do need a Rule about the necessity of throwing up on the line. After the line means you weren’t riding hard enough. Before the line is a misjudgement of effort.

Somewhat akin to Colin Chapman’s principle for designing an F1 car. I remember him once saying that the ideal car was built just strong enough so that it would collapse as it crossed the finish line.

In the days before F1 engines were supposed to be robust enough to last for multiple races I was told by a former Jaguar F1 man (a while back obviously) that there would be trouble if an engine didn't grenade itself two laps beyond the total of a race weekend as this would mean that it was either a) Too heavy and therefore slow or b) The driver hadn't been on the limit and was therefore going to be sacked.
the Engine says:

Feb 11 2016 at 9:35 am
@chris
@Major VVald
@the Engine

Rule #TBD:

if at any time during a solo ride, you find yourself noticing the smells of the flowers or the beautiful scenery, apply more V because you are doing it wrong.

if at any time during a group ride you find yourself able to hold forth at length about the benefits and drawbacks of the latest UCI ruling, you are sandbagging and must immediately strive to lift the pace since you are clearly not pulling enough when it is your turn on the front. For shame. (exception: if you are doing this on purpose to give the local bloviator a taste of their own medicine).

if at any time during a race you find it easy to breathe you are doing it absolutely wrong.

if at any time you find yourself on a trainer mindlessly zoning out while pretending to attack Ventoux on Zwift, jump off immediately, proceed directly to the nearest mirror, berate yourself for being such a pansy, apply more V and get on with Rule #9. Trainers/rollers may only be used for warm ups prior to a race or epic ride.

this bullet is intentionally left blank.
There are numerous holes to pick out in that bunch but to keep it short and sweet; the number five is not a bullet point.

@the Engine

@Teocalli

@the Engine

How about:

Stage 1 – Pain

Stage 2 – Throwing Up

Stage 3 – Unconsciousness

Stage 4 – Best avoided

We do need a Rule about the necessity of throwing up on the line. After the line means you weren’t riding hard enough. Before the line is a misjudgement of effort.

Throwing up before the line is perfectly acceptable as long as you don’t slow down during the act.

It could be argued that it would be proper etiquette to remove oneself to the back of the bunch to avoid collateral damage but the mention of a line suggests racing rather than training.
Except that throwing up before the line will almost inevitably slow you down a bit as (of course) will shitting yourself. In training this may be acceptable but in racing it speaks of poor judgement (or one's chef not washing his hands thoroughly).
Ron says:

Feb 11 2016 at 9:41 am

Sparty & wiscot - I meant ignored mainly by the mainstream sports fans and media. It was big at the HS level where I grew up and yes, definitely some seriously devoted athletes and families involved.
wiscot says:

Feb 11 2016 at 10:51 am

@Ron

Sparty & wiscot – I meant ignored mainly by the mainstream sports fans and media. It was big at the HS level where I grew up and yes, definitely some seriously devoted athletes and families involved.

Agreed.Wrestling often gets a bum rap. Ace wrestler Bruce Baumgartner was an Indiana State Uni grad (like me) and his legend lived on there long after he was gone. Of course, what did ISU do with it's awesome wrestling program? Dropped it. Kurt Thomas was on their incredible gymnastics team. Dropped that. Kept their football team of course which hasn't had a winning season in decades. "Priorities" I guess.

His palmares are listed here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruce_Baumgartner
universo says:

Feb 11 2016 at 11:28 am

@wiscot

@Ron

Sparty & wiscot – I meant ignored mainly by the mainstream sports fans and media. It was big at the HS level where I grew up and yes, definitely some seriously devoted athletes and families involved.

Agreed.Wrestling often gets a bum rap. Ace wrestler Bruce Baumgartner was an Indiana State Uni grad (like me) and his legend lived on there long after he was gone. Of course, what did ISU do with it’s awesome wrestling program? Dropped it. Kurt Thomas was on their incredible gymnastics team. Dropped that. Kept their football team of course which hasn’t had a winning season in decades. “Priorities” I guess.

His palmares are listed here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruce_Baumgartner

A section on our newly mapped all-road course is named Dusty Road.
Owen says:

Feb 11 2016 at 12:54 pm

@EBruner

I like to recite Charge of the Light-brigade on 15% climbs to annoy other riders.

The VMH tells me that I annoy riders going uphill because I'm too chatty. I'm not so sure, nobody has ever said anything back so how am I to know?