Categories: EtiquetteLa Vie VelominatusMusings from the V-Bunker

Breathing Through Your Ears

Phantom aero in the snow. Top marks, Michele.

Suffering is part of Cycling the way alcohol is part of liver failure: they are obviously connected but it’s too much fun to stop and think about why you do it. Grace finds us through La Volupté, but her touch is rare and we generally are far better acquainted with her husband, The Man with the Hammer. That guy is a bit of an asshole.

We typically don’t want to let anyone we’re riding with know how much we’re suffering, but I do admit to indulging in a Virenque or Voekler-style Five-Face to further bewilder the passing traffic while I’m killing it up the local leg breaker or crushing the 53×11 while overtaking the cars along the various boulevards in town.

But any time I’m riding with someone, I go to great lengths to ensure I hide my suffering in totality. I’ll start chatting to the rider next to me whenever I hurt. Or when I don’t hurt but I know they’re hurting. You know the drill. Bernard Hinault used to attack whenever he felt really like shit because if he was off the front, no one could see how much he was suffering. That’s a really good way to go about it, so long as your name starts with “Bernard” and ends with “Hinault”.

There is an expression in Cycling, “Breathing through your ears”. It’s meaning is twofold; on one hand it means you’re feeling desperate to open up any orifice in your body to allow more oxygen into the organism, on account of the wholesale suffering that you’re experiencing. On the other hand, it means you’re also not breathing through your mouth, for fear of betraying your Suffer Monkey Score to those you’re riding with.

Both interpretations are equally valid; take your pick. Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

chuckp says:

Feb 11 2016 at 1:47 pm

@Buck Rogers

But did you have to post another Mapei kit, FFS???

YES! Just proves how iconic ... and beautiful ... it is!
Oli says:

Feb 11 2016 at 2:56 pm

@Teocalli

I think the sayings are "bleeding through the eyes" and "breathing through the ears"...
fignons barber says:

Feb 11 2016 at 2:58 pm

@chuckp

@Buck Rogers

But did you have to post another Mapei kit, FFS???

YES! Just proves how iconic … and beautiful … it is!

I say "enough!" with the Mapei talk for a while. Let's change it up and talk about another iconic squadra that simply doesn't get the attention they deserve: Saeco.

These boys had it all: Cipo, Gilberto Simoni, Cunego, the red train , Killer DiLuca, brilliant red kit, espresso machines, and rolling on bad ass C-Dale CAAD's. Hell, I think they has 4 or 5 Giro wins over a decade.
fignons barber says:

Feb 11 2016 at 3:02 pm

....and how can we forget the jail kit!
DeKerr says:

Feb 11 2016 at 3:11 pm

A beautiful trick would be to hold silent until a fellow rider tried the "conversation" trick. Then, during a long winded response, you slowly up the watts and finish with an open ended question...

Then wait to see if they respond, just try to hold the wheel, or leave enough silence that you can hear the elastic snap. Oh, that would be evil and just fucking glorious.
chuckp says:

Feb 11 2016 at 4:25 pm

@fignons barber

@chuckp

@Buck Rogers

But did you have to post another Mapei kit, FFS???

YES! Just proves how iconic … and beautiful … it is!

I say “enough!” with the Mapei talk for a while. Let’s change it up and talk about another iconic squadra that simply doesn’t get the attention they deserve: Saeco.

These boys had it all: Cipo, Gilberto Simoni, Cunego, the red train , Killer DiLuca, brilliant red kit, espresso machines, and rolling on bad ass C-Dale CAAD’s. Hell, I think they has 4 or 5 Giro wins over a decade.

You had me at Cipo. I used to have a Saeco but now have a Gaggia. And the new Katusha kit is very reminiscent of the Saeco red kit.
RobSandy says:

Feb 12 2016 at 2:42 am
@Major VVald
@the Engine

Rule #TBD:
2. if at any time during a race you find it easy to breathe you are doing it absolutely wrong.
Disagree. Remember, in a race the goal is not to make yourself suffer -it is to inflict suffering on everyone else. That quite about licking your opponents plate clean before starting on your own? Yes.
chris says:

Feb 12 2016 at 4:03 am
@RobSandy
@Major VVald
@the Engine

Rule #TBD:

if at any time during a race you find it easy to breathe you are doing it absolutely wrong.
Disagree. Remember, in a race the goal is not to make yourself suffer -it is to inflict suffering on everyone else. That quite about licking your opponents plate clean before starting on your own? Yes.
You need to take that one step further, "The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts" it doesn't matter if you're suffering as long you can accept that suffering and be prepared to suffer more than the next man. He may be fitter, faster and blessed with better genes but if he isn't prepared to accept the suffering, he is beatable.
wilburrox says:

Feb 12 2016 at 5:52 am

@Teocalli

@the Engine

How about:

Stage 1 – Pain

Stage 2 – Throwing Up

Stage 3 – Unconsciousness

Stage 4 – Best avoided

I'll add a stage between 1 & 2 I guess: Eyes focused w/lasers like the heat of a thousand white hot suns...

The story: My young daughter is racing a Jr's field crit. So is 10-16 yr old boys and girls and these races get strung out pretty quick. A couple of laps in and this young man has been glued to her wheel. She's going by and she's complaining to me as she passes something along the lines of, "what do I do"? Next time around I shout back, "if you can talk you're not going hard enough"! So, next time around as she's coming up the small hill to where I'm watching the race and she has laser beam eyes focused on me as if the white hot heat of a thousand suns were to burn holes thru me. She was mad. Very. I'll never forget that look from my little sweetheart princess. And the young man that was on her wheel? Maybe 5 seconds back.
wiscot says:

Feb 12 2016 at 6:08 am

@Oli

@Teocalli

I think the sayings are “bleeding through the eyes” and “breathing through the ears”…

I looked up a medical dictionary for a definition of "bleeding through the eyes" and it said: a symptom of prolonged and regular exposure to images of 1990s Mapei cycling team kit."

Even that B&W Cannondale kit is better looking FFS.