Cycling is a complex sport, one whose fabric is densely woven from the fibers of a Hundred Years War between evolution and tradition. The Rules were laid out in part to provide a path through the chaos, helping lead the disciple towards transcendence. In the words of Pablo Picasso, “Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.”
This simple idea tugs at the underlying fact that the human mind tends to process ideas from the most obvious or easy to understand inward towards the most complex and difficult to understand. In other words, we start with What, then move to How, before finally arriving at Why. But because only 1/3 of the human mind is capable of rational thought while 2/3 of it operates on emotional or instinctual levels, the implication is that the How and the Why tend to be more instinctual or emotional than they are rational. Which is why we often know “Wrong” when we see it without necessarily being able to articulate the reasons behind it.
The Rules codify many aspects of Cycling; we can follow this code and understand fairly well when someone is in contravention of them; in essence, they provide the framework to elevate the “wrong” out of our instinctual mind and into the rational. At least when it comes to looking good on a bike or at the café.
Once in motion, the Velominatus sets themselves apart from other Cyclists by not only their outwardly aesthetic mastery, but by their comfort with how the bicycle moves beneath them; while in motion they handle themselves as if the machine is an extension of their body if not their very soul. Today’s objective is to begin to lay out a foundation for a framework on how to recognize when the actual act of riding the bicycle may be performed incorrectly. Keep in mind, as you coinsider this weighty subject, that Cycling is a sport which flaunts the Laws of Physics with not an inconsiderable sense of entitlement.
- If at any point you find yourself awakening from your ride in a hospital bed, there is a strong possibility that you have done something wrong.
- If at any point you find yourself in the dentist’s office having your jaw and/or teeth reconfigured as a result of launching face-first into an immovable and impermeable barrier of any kind, you probably demonstrated an overconfidence in either the mobility of permeability of said object, thereby doing it wrong.
- If at any point you find yourself surprised at how briskly the human body slides over tarmac before collecting yourself and riding to the emergency room where a curmudgeonly doctor briskly removes road debris from your wounds using a steel brush while muttering to himself about people’s “sense of invulnerability”, you probably overestimated your ability to hang ten in that one corner.
- If at any point you decide that the best way to learn to bunnyhop barriers in Cyclocross at full speed is to “commit” without first practicing this dark art, you are definitely doing it wrong.
- If you see an object in the road such as a pothole, log, or broken glass and ride through it before being astounded by the fact that this action resulted in a flat tire, you are doing it wrong.
- If you are riding in a group and touch another rider’s wheel with your wheel, you are doing it wrong. If you also thereby cause a crash, then you are doing it wrong to the point that you need to reconsider how well you concentrate while riding. If you react to said crash in any way other than assuming full responsibility and apologizing to the poor wretch(es) who are now possibly facing variations of points 1, 2, and 3 above, you are quite possibly an asshole which is one of the worst ways of Doing It Wrong (and a Rule #43 violation).
- If you arrive at a stoplight and fail to unclip from your pedals before falling over, you are doing it wrong. If this fall results in you breaking both your hand and elbow then you did it extra wrong. (I’m looking at you, @blackpooltower.)
- If you jovially parked your car in a garage while simultaneously and unintentionally removing your bicycles from your roof rack, you did it extra special wrong.
- If at any point during the climb you get off and walk, you are doing it extra special wrong times infinity.
- If at any point during your Cycling life you did any of the above without later laughing about it and spinning it into a wildly amusing tale of hubris and hyperbole then you are doing it extra special wrong times infinity with no backs.
frankThe founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking.
As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it.
Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen.
Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.
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To all those who were looking for a pass on the path to V-enlightment...
...the path (aka "tarmac") is unforgiving regardless of whether your Magnificent Stroke is feeding the Law of Inertia or if you have unwittingly commenced the process of converting kinetic energy back into potential energy (even if during a thorough application of Rule #64).
A fuck-up is a fuck-up, regardless of the path you're on.
@Sparty
Thumb scar notwithstanding, sounds like this could have been a lot worse.
Was anyone else hurt badly?
How much worse is it when you are warned and still do it wrong?
Out cycling with a friend I spotted this sign.
https://farm9.staticflickr.com/8459/7982927600_b528f17ebb_b.jpg
Knowing the road wasn’t remotely dangerous, I pointed, laughed and headed down the bendy but very short and not particularly steep descent.
My hubris was promptly followed by a skid on farmyard slurry at a corner and I became rather more intimate than desirable with the hawthorn hedge. Impressive but happily entirely superficial facial injuries resulted; the effects on my front wheel and ego were rather more serious.
@RobSandy
Jan 16, 2015 - Did the exact same thing going too fast into a corner. Protected the bike with my body -broke my collar bone, tore my labrum and bicep tendon. Not a scratch on the bike, so it was a pretty good ride.
@RobSandy
Miraculously no major injuries. Just sprains, strains, cuts and bruises. Likely a product of having youth on our side at the time. We were all around 22-23 at the time. If that were to happen now, we would be in pieces.
I admit to violating #2. The dentist asked if I had the pieces of broken teeth so he could use them to repair what was left of the originals. Yeah right. After the impact I certainly didn't have the presence of mind to look for them. All I could do was shake my head until my vision settled and I could pick myself up. Regardless of how wrong I was doing it, I can claim that my steed survived unscathed, no punctures even. Once my body settled back into itself, I picked myself up and rode the few remaining kms home, took a picture in the mirror for the archives, and called the dentist.
That article was absolutely brilliant.
Hi, I'm oldensteel and I too, have done it wrong:
On the tail end (about 12k left) of a relatively easy 50k or so ride, I'm riding along thinking "wow, what a great day to be outside". About then, I grab the water bottle and toast myself for my good judgement in getting on the bike today, take a swig and then realize I've swayed off line about a foot. This lines me straight up with a small 4 inch hole in the tarmac, I gracefully attempt to steer between it and the bots-dots on the white line while bringing my right hand (with bidon in said hand) back to the bars. The next 2 seconds involve an instant physics lesson which included my front wheel hitting the hole and the dots that I was trying to avoid.
Imagine my surprise (while prone on the ground) as I watch my phone gathering speed down the tarmac as it's being chased by my bottle (bottle caught up and ran it over for good measure). Mostly superficial cuts and scrapes (knee took the worst of it, saved the bike). However my wheel was now assuming a potato chip pose. A quick chuckle (and didn't get ran over, Yes!), retrieve phone and bottle, remove broken spoke and spend about 10 minutes getting front wheel in mostly rideable shape and head home.
I wasn't doing anything wrong on Saturday when someone on the other side Did It Wrong by blasting the soccer ball directly into my open, unprotected groin. 2nd worst crotch shot I've taken in all my years. Ouch, it was not fun. 8:45 on a Saturday morning and there I was keeled over on the sideline.
Sunday I get out of the shower. "Eeeeegaaad," says the VMH. "Is that where the ball hit you?" she asks when she sees a big, black inner thigh bruise. "Oh no, that is where I decided to try a cyclocross remount while wearing regular pants, which snagged on the saddle, and I smashed my leg into it."
I Did It Wrong by attempting that remount in regular, loose pants. Somehow I didn't fall over.
Not to hard to do it right each and every day. Realizing that right is the only way makes it much easier to stay right.