Doing It Wrong
Cycling is a complex sport, one whose fabric is densely woven from the fibers of a Hundred Years War between evolution and tradition. The Rules were laid out in part to provide a path through the chaos, helping lead the disciple towards transcendence. In the words of Pablo Picasso, “Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.”
This simple idea tugs at the underlying fact that the human mind tends to process ideas from the most obvious or easy to understand inward towards the most complex and difficult to understand. In other words, we start with What, then move to How, before finally arriving at Why. But because only 1/3 of the human mind is capable of rational thought while 2/3 of it operates on emotional or instinctual levels, the implication is that the How and the Why tend to be more instinctual or emotional than they are rational. Which is why we often know “Wrong” when we see it without necessarily being able to articulate the reasons behind it.
The Rules codify many aspects of Cycling; we can follow this code and understand fairly well when someone is in contravention of them; in essence, they provide the framework to elevate the “wrong” out of our instinctual mind and into the rational. At least when it comes to looking good on a bike or at the café.
Once in motion, the Velominatus sets themselves apart from other Cyclists by not only their outwardly aesthetic mastery, but by their comfort with how the bicycle moves beneath them; while in motion they handle themselves as if the machine is an extension of their body if not their very soul. Today’s objective is to begin to lay out a foundation for a framework on how to recognize when the actual act of riding the bicycle may be performed incorrectly. Keep in mind, as you coinsider this weighty subject, that Cycling is a sport which flaunts the Laws of Physics with not an inconsiderable sense of entitlement.
- If at any point you find yourself awakening from your ride in a hospital bed, there is a strong possibility that you have done something wrong.
- If at any point you find yourself in the dentist’s office having your jaw and/or teeth reconfigured as a result of launching face-first into an immovable and impermeable barrier of any kind, you probably demonstrated an overconfidence in either the mobility of permeability of said object, thereby doing it wrong.
- If at any point you find yourself surprised at how briskly the human body slides over tarmac before collecting yourself and riding to the emergency room where a curmudgeonly doctor briskly removes road debris from your wounds using a steel brush while muttering to himself about people’s “sense of invulnerability”, you probably overestimated your ability to hang ten in that one corner.
- If at any point you decide that the best way to learn to bunnyhop barriers in Cyclocross at full speed is to “commit” without first practicing this dark art, you are definitely doing it wrong.
- If you see an object in the road such as a pothole, log, or broken glass and ride through it before being astounded by the fact that this action resulted in a flat tire, you are doing it wrong.
- If you are riding in a group and touch another rider’s wheel with your wheel, you are doing it wrong. If you also thereby cause a crash, then you are doing it wrong to the point that you need to reconsider how well you concentrate while riding. If you react to said crash in any way other than assuming full responsibility and apologizing to the poor wretch(es) who are now possibly facing variations of points 1, 2, and 3 above, you are quite possibly an asshole which is one of the worst ways of Doing It Wrong (and a Rule #43 violation).
- If you arrive at a stoplight and fail to unclip from your pedals before falling over, you are doing it wrong. If this fall results in you breaking both your hand and elbow then you did it extra wrong. (I’m looking at you, @blackpooltower.)
- If you jovially parked your car in a garage while simultaneously and unintentionally removing your bicycles from your roof rack, you did it extra special wrong.
- If at any point during the climb you get off and walk, you are doing it extra special wrong times infinity.
- If at any point during your Cycling life you did any of the above without later laughing about it and spinning it into a wildly amusing tale of hubris and hyperbole then you are doing it extra special wrong times infinity with no backs.
Do we allow budding young Velominati a single pass on #7 above? Technically speaking yes falling off means doing it wrong but so long as you’re in a group of guys (or girls) who are all laughing at you because they’ve done it before, the first one should probably be free.
Doing it right:
Doing it wrong:
(though, admittedly, this buddy of mine also happens to play hockey- so I’ll just let it be.)
@Owen
I completely agree!! I think falling over at a red light is an important initiation, and no beginner can truly consider themselves worthy of their spandex if they haven’t had to pick themselves off the tarmac.
Does this bring me back!
Concerned about the risk of driving into garage with bike on top, I ordered a large traffic cone to use as a reminder. Several days later, distracted by a large box in front of the door, was when Bike Wipe #1 happened. Yea, the distracting box was the cone just delivered.
The cone worked well after that, and I gained confidence. Too bad my riding friend Jeff did not have one when I drove into his garage a couple years later for Bike Wipe #2.
I now use a hitch rack.
Back in the USCF days before USAC, your license got you 5 grand in dental insurance but no health insurance (a telling fact). However, they never fell for the “I swear my teeth were totally straight prior to that crash” excuse to cover orthodontia.
I once suggested an impromptu and unplanned town sign sprint in an attempt to catch out my dawdling riding companions.
As I stamped rashly on the pedals my chain became unhitched, sending me chest first across the handlebars and into a parked car.
The buckled wheel and groin rip in my winter tights suggests I was doing it wrong.
Laughter was heard…
Corrolary to point 5. If after riding through said glass, you extract your specially prepared sawn off toothbrush to clean your tyres because you haven’t learned to clean them with gloved hands, you’re doing it extra special double Dutch WTF wrong.
The act of falling over before clipping out is indeed a rite of passage in the way of the VM for a reason I’ve not yet seen discussed in these here pages. Clipping out 50 meters before planned stopping point other than when there maybe danger ahead is doing it wrong. Taking your foot off the pedal and dangling it just above the tarmac until stopped is wrong and ugly. Learning to unclip just as V = 0 is our duty and may lead to a fall or two. May seem obvious but I’ve been with cyclist way better than me who still foot dangle.
And when I say “wrong” I mean it really doesn’t matter because no one likes a sanctimonious asshole.
@scaler911
That reminded me of a tweet from UCI the other day. Seems like even the best can do it wrong sometimes.
If you ever draft a car’s bumper going downhill (at ~30mph) so as not to see the huge pothole, but somehow manage to bunnyhop but not enough to clear your rear wheel thereby completely destroying it, you have done something a little wrong. Everyone behind you (who kept their distance because they thought you were f**king nuts) aghast in your wrongness. But if you’re riding tubulars so that the tire/glue essentially holds said destroyed wheel somewhat together, then you have done something a little right. And if you then if you stay upright, riding your bike until you can safely and gracefully come to a full stop at the bottom and unclip as though this is an every day occurrence, then you are totally casually deliberate.
@Frank that is NOT how I broke my elbow/hand/rib/self-esteem.
However, the way I in fact DID do it was … actually on reflection just as foolish, so I’ll say no more about it, beyond “smart shoes and fixed gears don’t mix, folks”.
As you were.
If you are Van der Pou Pou Jr. and you are hauling ass and I mean the freaking M.A.I.L. and then you do a “flying W” (i.e., go over the bars), that’s not doing it wrong, that’s just showing everyone else where the limit is!
An example from recent experience; if you take the pedals off your main bike, thinking of swapping them out with the nine bike, but then change your mind. Don’t just thread them back in a few turns by hand because going out to the garage for a pedal wrench, and you’ll get around to it later. Watch out!
You may not notice, and start out on a New Year’s Day ride with the pedals barely attached to the crank arms. Upon standing up at the first corner, if your outside pedal detaches you may end up splayed out in the middle of the road with the pedal still attached to your shoe, the bike lying on its side, and a big hole in your favorite cold weather jersey. That would be doing it wrong.
Technically #8 does not belong in the framework: though the bike is moving (on the roof of your car) you are not riding it – hopefully.
The last time I did it wrong was on a XC course over roots and rocks right after the start. I won the super technical hole shot onto a pallet over a muddy creek (yaay!) in front of the VMH watching at the lane tape (double yaay!) and then proceeded to immediately drop my chain in spectacular fashion. Keep in mind the field was PINNING it at this point, right behind me. The legs are spinning at 120rpm now with no resistance, cleats come off the pedals, shins hit pedals, I do an endo as my front wheel clears the pallet and now the 100mm of fork travel is a curse because all that plushness steals every. last. bit. of forward momentum I still had left. I swear to god time slowed down as I toppled over to the right (the direction of the singletrack) in slow-mo as curses emanate in deafening fashion from the entire pack as they unclip, straddle and/or hop off and try to go around/over my sorry ass, while I try to get out of the way and let those who clearly WEREN’T DOING IT WRONG go by as I mutter apologies to the entire field, even the super slow guys I usually lap while they are still on their first lap. Oh, the horror.
I spent the rest of the race trying to catch back up, re-apologizing profusely to everyone I pass for the disaster at the start. But in related news, the VMH is still with me.
I have been guilty of 7 and 9, but definitely not of 10. I do have a self depreciating sense of humour.
The worst pain of number 7 is the hurt to the ego – this “wrong” is usually performed at slow speed but in the vicinity of others.
In my view there are valid excuses for number 9. I did this in pushing myself on a ride significantly longer than, and with more climbing than I had done before. However with coaxing from the “shepherd” I was straight back on.
Slipping on black ice, both wheels washing out, heading towards the deck but having the prescence of mind to lift your legs up so as to protect the bike (taking the hit to the body instead). I would argue that I did this right.
Rule #7 – Most do it in their early days. It is usually done at low speed in front of a crowd, and the only hurt is to one’s pride.
Rule #9 – In my view forgivable if one is attempting a ride with a final climb significantly harder than previously attempted.
Rule #10 – Yes, you do need to laugh at your own stuff-ups. A lack of a self depreciating sense of humor is unforgivable.
After getting it badly wrong on 20th Septemer I suppose I come under point 3. Doctor at the hospital checking my entire upper body wondering how a ~50kph dismount resulted in only a double fracture of my 5th metacarpel on the left hand & a bruised left hip with minor scratches on my back.
Main reason being I was going that quickly round the hairpin when hitting the cats eye reflector I missed the tarmac & went straight to head first over the bars down the nettle/thistle/bramble filled embankment.
Couple of points to note are that my hand only broke because I kept hold of my bike (Rule #4 & Rule #11) resulting in the bike coming out completely unscathed.
On Strava, the hairpin I went careening off is called ‘collarbone corner’. So I wasn’t the first & won’t be the last.
In true Rule #5 fashion I then rode upward of 30 kilometres home, headed to the pub for recovery ales (they don’t heal broken bones but they do numb the pain) whilst watching the football & then finally going to hospital to get patched up.
Last week I got my accident insurance payout which paid the new VLVV jersey, bib shorts, casquettes & the remainder towards a set of new wheels most likely. Oh & brake pads, definitely brake pads.
I think the moral of the story is that all’s well that ends okay. Or slow down you should’ve broken your back/neck/skull. Although that would be in direct contravention of Rule #85. Plus Rule #64 is there to be learnt from.
The worst is when you are doing it correctly but some asshat is doing it all wrong and takes you, and a few other in the group, into a culvert at 57kph. Descending the back side of a climb many years ago, one rider was late to brake into a right hander and crossed the double yellow. Just so happened to be a car in that lane which, to avoid the off-line rider, came into our lane sending one rider over the bonnet and myself and four others into a culvert. My fall was broken by the body of the rider in front of me, but then I broke the fall of two others. I came out of the ditch with a torn knee and my left thumb was opened by a piece of glass to the knuckle. Somewhere in the ditch lay my thumbnail. I still have the scar to remind me how quickly it can all go wrong.
@Mark
Those aren’t Rules; so check yourself!
THESE are Rules.
@Sparty
This is really the shittest part of the sport.
It can be scary descending unknown roads; I remember I almost took the whole group down because I led us into a tight switchback in really spotty light where I couldn’t tell potholes from shadows and had to hit the breaks pretty hard, sending everyone into hysterics.
Amazing what the Pros do on unknown descents in the mountains.
@Pete
Very similar to the precise incident which put me off Mavic Mektronic…townie sprint near an airport, some errant radio signal from, presumably, the control tower must have sent the chain across the block, causing it to snap. Back wheel demolished, frame cut up by broken spokes, and somehow I stayed upright and didn’t take anyone down.
Heart in throat. Only time I’ve called the sag wagon for a ride home.
@Owen
It’s still Doing it Wrong, no?
I’m really amazed at how many of you are admitting to breaking #9. This is the most egregious of the lot.
@blackpooltower
Sure it wasn’t.
@frank
I would never admit #9, and if video evidence was provided, I would still deny it. Never, never, stop and walk. Never.
@frank
Ah well, them’s the brakes.
#9 is instinctive. Even when I first learned to ride, something like 50 years ago. There simply is no walking in cycling.
@frank
Some major pucker factor to be found during speedy descending on unknown roads. Motorcycle riding has helped me hone my skills in these cases, but still sketchy at times nonetheless. It is amazing how much speed you can actually carry though a corner on a bike if you do not panic at the thought of going in too hot. Weight the outside pedal and handlebar drop and look through the turn. Saved my ass more than a few times. But it sure pumps the adrenaline and may leave you a little shaky afterward.
@frank
The sound of One Chain Snapping?
To all those who were looking for a pass on the path to V-enlightment…
…the path (aka “tarmac”) is unforgiving regardless of whether your Magnificent Stroke is feeding the Law of Inertia or if you have unwittingly commenced the process of converting kinetic energy back into potential energy (even if during a thorough application of Rule #64).
A fuck-up is a fuck-up, regardless of the path you’re on.
@Sparty
Thumb scar notwithstanding, sounds like this could have been a lot worse.
Was anyone else hurt badly?
How much worse is it when you are warned and still do it wrong?
Out cycling with a friend I spotted this sign.
https://farm9.staticflickr.com/8459/7982927600_b528f17ebb_b.jpg
Knowing the road wasn’t remotely dangerous, I pointed, laughed and headed down the bendy but very short and not particularly steep descent.
My hubris was promptly followed by a skid on farmyard slurry at a corner and I became rather more intimate than desirable with the hawthorn hedge. Impressive but happily entirely superficial facial injuries resulted; the effects on my front wheel and ego were rather more serious.
@RobSandy
Jan 16, 2015 – Did the exact same thing going too fast into a corner. Protected the bike with my body -broke my collar bone, tore my labrum and bicep tendon. Not a scratch on the bike, so it was a pretty good ride.
@RobSandy
Miraculously no major injuries. Just sprains, strains, cuts and bruises. Likely a product of having youth on our side at the time. We were all around 22-23 at the time. If that were to happen now, we would be in pieces.
I admit to violating #2. The dentist asked if I had the pieces of broken teeth so he could use them to repair what was left of the originals. Yeah right. After the impact I certainly didn’t have the presence of mind to look for them. All I could do was shake my head until my vision settled and I could pick myself up. Regardless of how wrong I was doing it, I can claim that my steed survived unscathed, no punctures even. Once my body settled back into itself, I picked myself up and rode the few remaining kms home, took a picture in the mirror for the archives, and called the dentist.
That article was absolutely brilliant.
Hi, I’m oldensteel and I too, have done it wrong:
On the tail end (about 12k left) of a relatively easy 50k or so ride, I’m riding along thinking “wow, what a great day to be outside”. About then, I grab the water bottle and toast myself for my good judgement in getting on the bike today, take a swig and then realize I’ve swayed off line about a foot. This lines me straight up with a small 4 inch hole in the tarmac, I gracefully attempt to steer between it and the bots-dots on the white line while bringing my right hand (with bidon in said hand) back to the bars. The next 2 seconds involve an instant physics lesson which included my front wheel hitting the hole and the dots that I was trying to avoid.
Imagine my surprise (while prone on the ground) as I watch my phone gathering speed down the tarmac as it’s being chased by my bottle (bottle caught up and ran it over for good measure). Mostly superficial cuts and scrapes (knee took the worst of it, saved the bike). However my wheel was now assuming a potato chip pose. A quick chuckle (and didn’t get ran over, Yes!), retrieve phone and bottle, remove broken spoke and spend about 10 minutes getting front wheel in mostly rideable shape and head home.
I wasn’t doing anything wrong on Saturday when someone on the other side Did It Wrong by blasting the soccer ball directly into my open, unprotected groin. 2nd worst crotch shot I’ve taken in all my years. Ouch, it was not fun. 8:45 on a Saturday morning and there I was keeled over on the sideline.
Sunday I get out of the shower. “Eeeeegaaad,” says the VMH. “Is that where the ball hit you?” she asks when she sees a big, black inner thigh bruise. “Oh no, that is where I decided to try a cyclocross remount while wearing regular pants, which snagged on the saddle, and I smashed my leg into it.”
I Did It Wrong by attempting that remount in regular, loose pants. Somehow I didn’t fall over.
Not to hard to do it right each and every day. Realizing that right is the only way makes it much easier to stay right.
@Dave
Agreed. The correct way up a climb may sometimes include unclipping the instant all momentum has disappeared, but not before (h/t to @xyxax), followed by the possible motorist stopping to ask “dude… are you… OK…?” and responding (while inhaling wasps) “totally!” before proceeding. But NEVER walking.
Back in the good old bad days I managed to get my hands on a set of Looks when they were the latest and greatest. Given that shoes did not come pre-drilled, it was a bit of a project to mount up the cleats on my old school Diadoras. So after finally getting things all sorted out, off I go on a ride to try out the new goods. All was going just fine until I came to a stoplight, whereupon I violated #7.
Flopping around on the pavement as I attempted to clip-out, the look on drivers faces is burned into my memory. That, and the laughter of the cute blond who I was trying to impress.
@litvi
Mind you it’s bloody funny when on a long climb your mate simply runs out of energy and impetus and just keels over sideways and lies gasping in the road still clipped in and still gripping the bars.
@Teocalli
Uh-huh… “your mate.” Right.
@litvi
Ha Ha. Yup it was, honest.
@Teocalli
Then yeah, that’s hella funny!
As has been stated already, #7 is simply a rite of passage. In regards to #8, Subaru is rather helpfully selling these via their website.
@Teocalli
You’re only allowed to do that at the top.
@Bruce Lee
That is a classic; I remember that first generation of Look could be really impossible to deal with – if you had any dirt in the cleat they would just lock down and were impossible to get out of. Classic!
@Mikael Liddy
I would just get used to seeing that and forget about it full stop.
@frank
I don’ think I’ve done #9 since I was a kid (pre-teen), having to push a single-speed banana seat bike up the hill to my parents’ house on Crestview in Daly City, CA (according to Google, 0.1 mi and 13% grade).