Cycling is a complex sport, one whose fabric is densely woven from the fibers of a Hundred Years War between evolution and tradition. The Rules were laid out in part to provide a path through the chaos, helping lead the disciple towards transcendence. In the words of Pablo Picasso, “Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.”
This simple idea tugs at the underlying fact that the human mind tends to process ideas from the most obvious or easy to understand inward towards the most complex and difficult to understand. In other words, we start with What, then move to How, before finally arriving at Why. But because only 1/3 of the human mind is capable of rational thought while 2/3 of it operates on emotional or instinctual levels, the implication is that the How and the Why tend to be more instinctual or emotional than they are rational. Which is why we often know “Wrong” when we see it without necessarily being able to articulate the reasons behind it.
The Rules codify many aspects of Cycling; we can follow this code and understand fairly well when someone is in contravention of them; in essence, they provide the framework to elevate the “wrong” out of our instinctual mind and into the rational. At least when it comes to looking good on a bike or at the café.
Once in motion, the Velominatus sets themselves apart from other Cyclists by not only their outwardly aesthetic mastery, but by their comfort with how the bicycle moves beneath them; while in motion they handle themselves as if the machine is an extension of their body if not their very soul. Today’s objective is to begin to lay out a foundation for a framework on how to recognize when the actual act of riding the bicycle may be performed incorrectly. Keep in mind, as you coinsider this weighty subject, that Cycling is a sport which flaunts the Laws of Physics with not an inconsiderable sense of entitlement.
- If at any point you find yourself awakening from your ride in a hospital bed, there is a strong possibility that you have done something wrong.
- If at any point you find yourself in the dentist’s office having your jaw and/or teeth reconfigured as a result of launching face-first into an immovable and impermeable barrier of any kind, you probably demonstrated an overconfidence in either the mobility of permeability of said object, thereby doing it wrong.
- If at any point you find yourself surprised at how briskly the human body slides over tarmac before collecting yourself and riding to the emergency room where a curmudgeonly doctor briskly removes road debris from your wounds using a steel brush while muttering to himself about people’s “sense of invulnerability”, you probably overestimated your ability to hang ten in that one corner.
- If at any point you decide that the best way to learn to bunnyhop barriers in Cyclocross at full speed is to “commit” without first practicing this dark art, you are definitely doing it wrong.
- If you see an object in the road such as a pothole, log, or broken glass and ride through it before being astounded by the fact that this action resulted in a flat tire, you are doing it wrong.
- If you are riding in a group and touch another rider’s wheel with your wheel, you are doing it wrong. If you also thereby cause a crash, then you are doing it wrong to the point that you need to reconsider how well you concentrate while riding. If you react to said crash in any way other than assuming full responsibility and apologizing to the poor wretch(es) who are now possibly facing variations of points 1, 2, and 3 above, you are quite possibly an asshole which is one of the worst ways of Doing It Wrong (and a Rule #43 violation).
- If you arrive at a stoplight and fail to unclip from your pedals before falling over, you are doing it wrong. If this fall results in you breaking both your hand and elbow then you did it extra wrong. (I’m looking at you, @blackpooltower.)
- If you jovially parked your car in a garage while simultaneously and unintentionally removing your bicycles from your roof rack, you did it extra special wrong.
- If at any point during the climb you get off and walk, you are doing it extra special wrong times infinity.
- If at any point during your Cycling life you did any of the above without later laughing about it and spinning it into a wildly amusing tale of hubris and hyperbole then you are doing it extra special wrong times infinity with no backs.
frankThe founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking.
As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it.
Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen.
Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.
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@Frank that is NOT how I broke my elbow/hand/rib/self-esteem.
However, the way I in fact DID do it was ... actually on reflection just as foolish, so I'll say no more about it, beyond "smart shoes and fixed gears don't mix, folks".
As you were.
If you are Van der Pou Pou Jr. and you are hauling ass and I mean the freaking M.A.I.L. and then you do a "flying W" (i.e., go over the bars), that's not doing it wrong, that's just showing everyone else where the limit is!
An example from recent experience; if you take the pedals off your main bike, thinking of swapping them out with the nine bike, but then change your mind. Don't just thread them back in a few turns by hand because going out to the garage for a pedal wrench, and you'll get around to it later. Watch out!
You may not notice, and start out on a New Year's Day ride with the pedals barely attached to the crank arms. Upon standing up at the first corner, if your outside pedal detaches you may end up splayed out in the middle of the road with the pedal still attached to your shoe, the bike lying on its side, and a big hole in your favorite cold weather jersey. That would be doing it wrong.
Technically #8 does not belong in the framework: though the bike is moving (on the roof of your car) you are not riding it - hopefully.
The last time I did it wrong was on a XC course over roots and rocks right after the start. I won the super technical hole shot onto a pallet over a muddy creek (yaay!) in front of the VMH watching at the lane tape (double yaay!) and then proceeded to immediately drop my chain in spectacular fashion. Keep in mind the field was PINNING it at this point, right behind me. The legs are spinning at 120rpm now with no resistance, cleats come off the pedals, shins hit pedals, I do an endo as my front wheel clears the pallet and now the 100mm of fork travel is a curse because all that plushness steals every. last. bit. of forward momentum I still had left. I swear to god time slowed down as I toppled over to the right (the direction of the singletrack) in slow-mo as curses emanate in deafening fashion from the entire pack as they unclip, straddle and/or hop off and try to go around/over my sorry ass, while I try to get out of the way and let those who clearly WEREN'T DOING IT WRONG go by as I mutter apologies to the entire field, even the super slow guys I usually lap while they are still on their first lap. Oh, the horror.
I spent the rest of the race trying to catch back up, re-apologizing profusely to everyone I pass for the disaster at the start. But in related news, the VMH is still with me.
I have been guilty of 7 and 9, but definitely not of 10. I do have a self depreciating sense of humour.
The worst pain of number 7 is the hurt to the ego - this "wrong" is usually performed at slow speed but in the vicinity of others.
In my view there are valid excuses for number 9. I did this in pushing myself on a ride significantly longer than, and with more climbing than I had done before. However with coaxing from the "shepherd" I was straight back on.
Slipping on black ice, both wheels washing out, heading towards the deck but having the prescence of mind to lift your legs up so as to protect the bike (taking the hit to the body instead). I would argue that I did this right.
Rule 7 - Most do it in their early days. It is usually done at low speed in front of a crowd, and the only hurt is to one's pride.
Rule 9 - In my view forgivable if one is attempting a ride with a final climb significantly harder than previously attempted.
Rule 10 - Yes, you do need to laugh at your own stuff-ups. A lack of a self depreciating sense of humor is unforgivable.
After getting it badly wrong on 20th Septemer I suppose I come under point 3. Doctor at the hospital checking my entire upper body wondering how a ~50kph dismount resulted in only a double fracture of my 5th metacarpel on the left hand & a bruised left hip with minor scratches on my back.
Main reason being I was going that quickly round the hairpin when hitting the cats eye reflector I missed the tarmac & went straight to head first over the bars down the nettle/thistle/bramble filled embankment.
Couple of points to note are that my hand only broke because I kept hold of my bike (Rule #4 & Rule #11) resulting in the bike coming out completely unscathed.
On Strava, the hairpin I went careening off is called 'collarbone corner'. So I wasn't the first & won't be the last.
In true Rule #5 fashion I then rode upward of 30 kilometres home, headed to the pub for recovery ales (they don't heal broken bones but they do numb the pain) whilst watching the football & then finally going to hospital to get patched up.
Last week I got my accident insurance payout which paid the new VLVV jersey, bib shorts, casquettes & the remainder towards a set of new wheels most likely. Oh & brake pads, definitely brake pads.
I think the moral of the story is that all's well that ends okay. Or slow down you should've broken your back/neck/skull. Although that would be in direct contravention of Rule #85. Plus Rule #64 is there to be learnt from.
The worst is when you are doing it correctly but some asshat is doing it all wrong and takes you, and a few other in the group, into a culvert at 57kph. Descending the back side of a climb many years ago, one rider was late to brake into a right hander and crossed the double yellow. Just so happened to be a car in that lane which, to avoid the off-line rider, came into our lane sending one rider over the bonnet and myself and four others into a culvert. My fall was broken by the body of the rider in front of me, but then I broke the fall of two others. I came out of the ditch with a torn knee and my left thumb was opened by a piece of glass to the knuckle. Somewhere in the ditch lay my thumbnail. I still have the scar to remind me how quickly it can all go wrong.