Doing It Wrong

There are a few subtle indications of this not being the right way to do it.

Cycling is a complex sport, one whose fabric is densely woven from the fibers of a Hundred Years War between evolution and tradition. The Rules were laid out in part to provide a path through the chaos, helping lead the disciple towards transcendence. In the words of Pablo Picasso, “Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.”

This simple idea tugs at the underlying fact that the human mind tends to process ideas from the most obvious or easy to understand inward towards the most complex and difficult to understand. In other words, we start with What, then move to How, before finally arriving at Why. But because only 1/3 of the human mind is capable of rational thought while 2/3 of it operates on emotional or instinctual levels, the implication is that the How and the Why tend to be more instinctual or emotional than they are rational. Which is why we often know “Wrong” when we see it without necessarily being able to articulate the reasons behind it.

The Rules codify many aspects of Cycling; we can follow this code and understand fairly well when someone is in contravention of them; in essence, they provide the framework to elevate the “wrong” out of our instinctual mind and into the rational. At least when it comes to looking good on a bike or at the café.

Once in motion, the Velominatus sets themselves apart from other Cyclists by not only their outwardly aesthetic mastery, but by their comfort with how the bicycle moves beneath them; while in motion they handle themselves as if the machine is an extension of their body if not their very soul. Today’s objective is to begin to lay out a foundation for a framework on how to recognize when the actual act of riding the bicycle may be performed incorrectly. Keep in mind, as you coinsider this weighty subject, that Cycling is a sport which flaunts the Laws of Physics with not an inconsiderable sense of entitlement.

If at any point you find yourself awakening from your ride in a hospital bed, there is a strong possibility that you have done something wrong.
If at any point you find yourself in the dentist’s office having your jaw and/or teeth reconfigured as a result of launching face-first into an immovable and impermeable barrier of any kind, you probably demonstrated an overconfidence in either the mobility of permeability of said object, thereby doing it wrong.
If at any point you find yourself surprised at how briskly the human body slides over tarmac before collecting yourself and riding to the emergency room where a curmudgeonly doctor briskly removes road debris from your wounds using a steel brush while muttering to himself about people’s “sense of invulnerability”, you probably overestimated your ability to hang ten in that one corner.
If at any point you decide that the best way to learn to bunnyhop barriers in Cyclocross at full speed is to “commit” without first practicing this dark art, you are definitely doing it wrong.
If you see an object in the road such as a pothole, log, or broken glass and ride through it before being astounded by the fact that this action resulted in a flat tire, you are doing it wrong.
If you are riding in a group and touch another rider’s wheel with your wheel, you are doing it wrong. If you also thereby cause a crash, then you are doing it wrong to the point that you need to reconsider how well you concentrate while riding. If you react to said crash in any way other than assuming full responsibility and apologizing to the poor wretch(es) who are now possibly facing variations of points 1, 2, and 3 above, you are quite possibly an asshole which is one of the worst ways of Doing It Wrong (and a Rule #43 violation).
If you arrive at a stoplight and fail to unclip from your pedals before falling over, you are doing it wrong. If this fall results in you breaking both your hand and elbow then you did it extra wrong. (I’m looking at you, @blackpooltower.)
If you jovially parked your car in a garage while simultaneously and unintentionally removing your bicycles from your roof rack, you did it extra special wrong.
If at any point during the climb you get off and walk, you are doing it extra special wrong times infinity.
If at any point during your Cycling life you did any of the above without later laughing about it and spinning it into a wildly amusing tale of hubris and hyperbole then you are doing it extra special wrong times infinity with no backs.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

Jan 17 2016 at 11:32 am

@Mark

Rule #7 – Most do it in their early days. It is usually done at low speed in front of a crowd, and the only hurt is to one’s pride.

Rule #9 – In my view forgivable if one is attempting a ride with a final climb significantly harder than previously attempted.

Rule #10 – Yes, you do need to laugh at your own stuff-ups. A lack of a self depreciating sense of humor is unforgivable.

Those aren't Rules; so check yourself!

THESE are Rules.
frank says:

Jan 17 2016 at 12:02 pm

@Sparty

The worst is when you are doing it correctly but some asshat is doing it all wrong and takes you, and a few other in the group, into a culvert at 57kph. Descending the back side of a climb many years ago, one rider was late to brake into a right hander and crossed the double yellow. Just so happened to be a car in that lane which, to avoid the off-line rider, came into our lane sending one rider over the bonnet and myself and four others into a culvert. My fall was broken by the body of the rider in front of me, but then I broke the fall of two others. I came out of the ditch with a torn knee and my left thumb was opened by a piece of glass to the knuckle. Somewhere in the ditch lay my thumbnail. I still have the scar to remind me how quickly it can all go wrong.

This is really the shittest part of the sport.

Crashing is part of Cycling like tears are part of Love. - Johan Museeuw

It can be scary descending unknown roads; I remember I almost took the whole group down because I led us into a tight switchback in really spotty light where I couldn't tell potholes from shadows and had to hit the breaks pretty hard, sending everyone into hysterics.

Amazing what the Pros do on unknown descents in the mountains.
frank says:

Jan 17 2016 at 12:10 pm

@Pete

I once suggested an impromptu and unplanned town sign sprint in an attempt to catch out my dawdling riding companions.

As I stamped rashly on the pedals my chain became unhitched, sending me chest first across the handlebars and into a parked car.

The buckled wheel and groin rip in my winter tights suggests I was doing it wrong.

Laughter was heard…

Very similar to the precise incident which put me off Mavic Mektronic...townie sprint near an airport, some errant radio signal from, presumably, the control tower must have sent the chain across the block, causing it to snap. Back wheel demolished, frame cut up by broken spokes, and somehow I stayed upright and didn't take anyone down.

Heart in throat. Only time I've called the sag wagon for a ride home.
frank says:

Jan 17 2016 at 12:11 pm

@Owen

Do we allow budding young Velominati a single pass on #7 above? Technically speaking yes falling off means doing it wrong but so long as you’re in a group of guys (or girls) who are all laughing at you because they’ve done it before, the first one should probably be free.

It's still Doing it Wrong, no?
frank says:

Jan 17 2016 at 12:14 pm

I'm really amazed at how many of you are admitting to breaking #9. This is the most egregious of the lot.

@blackpooltower

@Frank that is NOT how I broke my elbow/hand/rib/self-esteem.

However, the way I in fact DID do it was … actually on reflection just as foolish, so I’ll say no more about it, beyond “smart shoes and fixed gears don’t mix, folks”.

As you were.

Sure it wasn't.
EBruner says:

Jan 17 2016 at 12:23 pm

@frank

I would never admit #9, and if video evidence was provided, I would still deny it. Never, never, stop and walk. Never.
Oli says:

Jan 17 2016 at 1:24 pm

@frank

Ah well, them's the brakes.
Dave says:

Jan 17 2016 at 2:50 pm

#9 is instinctive. Even when I first learned to ride, something like 50 years ago. There simply is no walking in cycling.
Sparty says:

Jan 17 2016 at 3:51 pm

@frank

@Sparty

The worst is when you are doing it correctly but some asshat is doing it all wrong and takes you, and a few other in the group, into a culvert at 57kph. Descending the back side of a climb many years ago, one rider was late to brake into a right hander and crossed the double yellow. Just so happened to be a car in that lane which, to avoid the off-line rider, came into our lane sending one rider over the bonnet and myself and four others into a culvert. My fall was broken by the body of the rider in front of me, but then I broke the fall of two others. I came out of the ditch with a torn knee and my left thumb was opened by a piece of glass to the knuckle. Somewhere in the ditch lay my thumbnail. I still have the scar to remind me how quickly it can all go wrong.

This is really the shittest part of the sport.

Crashing is part of Cycling like tears are part of Love. – Johan Museeuw

It can be scary descending unknown roads; I remember I almost took the whole group down because I led us into a tight switchback in really spotty light where I couldn’t tell potholes from shadows and had to hit the breaks pretty hard, sending everyone into hysterics.

Amazing what the Pros do on unknown descents in the mountains.

Some major pucker factor to be found during speedy descending on unknown roads. Motorcycle riding has helped me hone my skills in these cases, but still sketchy at times nonetheless. It is amazing how much speed you can actually carry though a corner on a bike if you do not panic at the thought of going in too hot. Weight the outside pedal and handlebar drop and look through the turn. Saved my ass more than a few times. But it sure pumps the adrenaline and may leave you a little shaky afterward.
Baz says:

Jan 17 2016 at 3:51 pm

@frank

The sound of One Chain Snapping?