I didn’t think this article would ever need to become reality. I thought we could safely file this one in the “Obviously Not Allowed, Fucktards” bin alongside the Rules for reflectors, kickstands, and recumbents.
But I stand corrected.
I’ve been playing around with clever, subtle ways of phrasing this, looking for the right touch to send the message across. Then, after longer than I care to admit, I came to the realization that we’re talking about not showing your crack to the riders behind you in the pace line. There’s not a lot of room for subtlety in this message.
So here your have it: Don’t wear see-through Lycra. No whites down below, especially on Rule #9 days. A general rule is the darker, the better, and it may not be worn out in any way. Especially not in the butt area. Which is where it wears out first, by the way. Also note that it should be freshly laundered (by hand, if you have any sense at all), because no one wants to spend their time drafting you doing their best not to breathe. That more or less defeats the purpose, you see. And it should all match and look nice. And don’t mix colors distastefully.
There is a story I feel compelled to relate, as a matter of example, for any of you cheap tightwads who don’t want to invest in a new pair of bibs. (They are way better now than they were when you bought those old ones, incidentally, so take the plunge, you won’t regret it. The chamois aren’t even chamois anymore.)
During my tenure racing with the St. Paul Bicycle Racing Club (SPBRC), despite being a habitual solo-trainer, I was pretty good about joining the twice-weekly group rides, which were also always open to the public. On one particular day, a rider clad in primarily neon and fluorescent colors and Oakley Blades toed up to the group and we chatted a bit. Ex-racer, he had been really active in the early 90’s before Life took over and he fell out of the sport. But he was back, getting in shape, and looked to be pretty fit.
Already a Velominatus, I immediately took note of his TVT-built LeMond frame. In fact, it could have been a replica of LeMond’s 1990 Tour-winning machine, were it not for the classic-bend bars (instead of Scott Drop-Ins) and lower-end Campy kit, complete with the Campy-only gleam of the polished aluminum bits.
As we rolled out, it became immediately obvious he had modeled himself completely after LeMan; his back was stretched flat across a long top tube and stem, his black Regal saddle was crammed way back on its rails, and he only shifted if his cadence dropped below 60 rpm.
But he was obviously very skilled – and having a blast feeling the energy in the ride. I imagine it felt great being back in the bunch. Everything about him oozed “experienced racer”; he was always attentive, always getting out of the saddle as he glass-pedaled on his way back from the front of the pace line, looking for the gap in the line where he would fall back in.
There were some issues, however. He was a little too eager to jump in, taking gaps that were really just training-ride-lazy bike lengths for race-day opportunities to fill the line. I was on a lazy day, letting gaps open that I shouldn’t have, but which weren’t invitations to jump in.
Nonetheless, he read the group like he did, and he kept jumping in right in front of me. Which wouldn’t have been so bad if his bib shorts hadn’t been worn out completely right across the area that doctors call the “crackal region”. It was tolerable as long as we were riding on flats or climbing where I could look at his rear wheel or past his shoulder. The worst was when he would get into his tuck on the descents, where I had the choice between risking my life by not staring at his redeye or…staring at his redeye.
If it were possible to poke out my mind’s eye, I would. But I can’t. So, I implore you, please, please, wear only freshly laundered kit when riding in a group, and never, ever, wear see-through Lycra.
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@Steampunk, @il ciclista medio
Yeah, not cycling-related, but vinyl is the Velominatus-equivalent of the music world. Old-school, authentic, high-quality, takes a bit of attention to make it happen and reap the benefits. Spot on.
I am not ashamed to say I stream all our music off our computer via an Apple Airport Express for convenience and casual music-listening. But we also have a record player hooked up and we buy everything good on vinyl as well. Kind of Blue, Blood on the Tracks, Back in Black, Led Zeppelin I, II, Live at Folson Prison (original pressing), Live at San Qunetin (original pressing), In Utero...the list goes on, but if it's good music (and originally recorded in analog), we always get the record. There is something about cleaning the record, turning it every 30 minutes...the futzing, the work...it makes you appreciate the music even more. Not to mention the richness of the sound.
@Touriste-Routier, @il ciclista medio
Welcome to both of you, by the way!
@Jeff in PetroMetro, @Marcus
Dudes, I swung by the local campy guru at Branford Bikes today to discuss some campy convsion for an upgrade I'm considering, and his shop was full of Looks. Those baby's are fantastic looking bikes. Seriously, you are causing some damage here. I really want a lugged carbon frame. But not a Time. Which means...Look. Seriously.
@frank
Would have to agree with you about the vinyl. Showing my age but I still have well over 600 pieces of vinyl in the storeroom. Can't & won't get rid of it. Went through a stage of leaving it sit without playing when the CD first came around but realised that it was missing one thing, soul. As clean and crisp as a CD sounds, it still lacks the soul of the muscians playing on it.
Even the hiss and crackle you get on an old record gives it a depth you can't get anywhere else. It amazes me that the modern world has gone to MP3's & the like, myself included, but it makes for a poor reduction in sound quality. If my somewhat limited geek knowledge serves me well enough, the nature of an MP3 means that it removes certain sounds from the recording to allow it to be compressed. Ergo, less sounds, mean less quality overall.
I've slowly but surely been transferring the vinyl on to the home server for the convenience like yourself frank, but willingly go back to vinyl when the mood takes.
Velominati & Vinyl = quality and style, no coincidence that they both begin with V.
there endeth the lesson
@il ciclista medio
The MP3 makes me sad. I refuse iPods. I think they degrade music by making it omnipresent. I had some vinyl, but no record player. I have a decent (~700) collection of albums on CD/SACD/DVD-Audio. I refuse to by "compilations" which degrade the artistic vision of an album, as musicians go through stylistic periods. For example, tt would be jarring to listen to a song on Sketches of Spain and then jump to Spanish Key from Bitches Brew. I barely listen to the radio for the same reason.
For every part of life there exists a right way, a common way, and a wrong way.
his is completely OFF TOPIC but I just watched the Starcraft II trailer (The Game by Blizzard...look for it on You-Tube, just type Starcraft II) and just at the end of the clip I noticed that he had a great big gun that he sticks in the ground. You know what was on the Barrel of the Gun.......The V
@Collin
I wish I had your strength of character. But, alas, I am pathetic. I gave in to the iPod craze two years ago.
I've got vinyl. And I've got my turntable. And I've got a bazillion cassettes that I made of my vinyl and other people's vinyl. But once I got a Nano, and then my wife got a Nano, and then my daughter got an iTouch, I was sucked in.
No, Apple doesn't have certain artists' full catalogues (you can't buy the Kinks' first couple of albums). And yes, you can buy one song at a time for $0.99 or $1.29. And no, my vinyl versions are often not the same as the Apple versions (Sex Pistols, XTC, Led Zeppelin, The Who to name but a few). However, my time for sitting quietly and listening to my vinyl or my cassettes is gone. It's iPod in the car (terrestrial radio in Houston is astonishingly awful), iPod on the trainer, iPod in the house, and iTunes on the computer. I am so weak.
@frank
I know! Until my Merckxian Intervention, Look was out there in the mist. I was zoned in on an S3 or an R5. Of course, they were pipedreams at more than twice the price of what the 595 cost me. Honestly, this bike is The Shit. The bonus is looking down and seeing Luggs.
You should torture yourself and go to your LBS for a test ride. I think you'll be pleasantly miserable. Shortly thereafter, you'll be really happy and somewhat poorer.
= the feeling of seeing a bike or piece of kit that turns you into a drooling idiot, knowing that you cannot afford it.
@Xponti
A-Merckx, Brother.
And because I went and bought it anyway, I am reconciled to wearing worn-out, see-through bibs for the next five years.
Black and new is not necessarily proof against The Horror.
One of the perils of riding in Abu Dhabi is that it is very hot.
It is therefore tempting to succumb to the enticements of manufacturers who promise extra-light bibs that are supposedly 30% cooler.
They appear to have done this by removing 30% of the material. Combine that with bright sunlight and I could save several people a trip to the proctologist by providing a detailed written description.
The question though is how to do something about it. I am guessing that not many people have an ingenious mirror system at home which allows them to check their anal visibility. And you have to be in a riding position to see it, when the material is most stretched so looking over your shoulder doesn't help.
It's like seeing someone with a piece of spinach on their front teeth. You know they would no doubt be mortified to discover it, but by waiting to allow them self-discovery you let them think that maybe nobody noticed. Trouble is that someone putting their date on display is never going to know unless we tell them.
Perhaps a campaign to have the UN declare an international day of lycra modesty ?
@Gphant: This is the red shorts photo. Beware.