Bikes leaning at the gite, waiting to hit the cobbles on Keepers Tour 2013.
There are always at least two ways to accomplish any task: properly and improperly. Drinking beer from a glass, not the bottle; carrying a full umbrella instead of a miniature fold-up; stirring your gin martinis, not shaking them; wearing french cuffs with a suit, not button cuffs. The Velominatus, of course, is drawn towards doing things Properly, even when doing so comes at the expense of convenience.
While its true that doing something correctly may not always be the same as doing something the easy way, when it comes to the practice of leaning one’s bicycle against a wall, doing so properly is is maddeningly easy. Bicycles have wheels and wheels are what enable the mode of forward locomotion that brings us such pleasure. The fine print indicates, however, that these wheels are not biased towards forward motion. On the contrary, wheels are quite happy to roll in any direction they please, provided gravity or an external force provide ample reason to do so. And, despite being more than sturdy enough to bound down a cobbled farm track at high speed, bicycles are rather delicate things not suited for rolling off unsupervised. Derailleur hangers are easily bent, paintwork is easily scratched, and bar tape and saddles easily scuffed when wheels start unexpectedly rolling and steeds fall over.
For this reason, it is critical that one practices safe leaning:
When leaning your loyal steed against a well, care must be taken to lean the bike by its saddle and by its inside hood. There are several reasons for this including the notion that neither the saddle (made of lightly padded leather) nor the hood (made of rubber) are as wont to slip as is the frame. Leaning it by the hood also ensures the front wheel is pointing parallel to the wall, not away from it, offering an additional bit of insurance against an errant roll-away. Should one be leaning their bicycle against something too low to make saddle contact, the rear wheel and hood makes for a viable alternate.
Lean the machine with the mechanicals facing out. This will help avoid inadvertently crushing the derailleur against the wall and bending the rear derailleur hanger. That said, among Keepers polled, only one (who, in order to protect Brett’s identity, shall remain anonymous) made the case that keeping the mechs facing inward protects them from being brushed up against. Use your discretion here, but if leaning in, make sure ample space is left to prevent contact with the drivetrain and the wall.
When leaning a group of bikes against the wall, lean them all in the same direction such that the front wheel of the bike to the left overlaps with the back wheel of the bike to the right. This allows for a compact stacking of machines, prevents tangling of bars or other forms of damage-inducing fraternization between bikes, and allows any of the bikes to be removed from its place in the line without moving adjacent machines. While point two allows for the choice of facing in or out, when leaning groups of bikes against the wall, care will be taken to lean them all in the same direction and in this case facing mechanicals out will help prevent accidentally catching a wheel in a derailleur.
If leaning a bike against something smaller than a wall, the safest way to do so is to lean it only by the rear wheel, ensuring ample lean is given and that the orientation of the bicycle is chosen to minimize likelihood of the machine suddenly making a break for it. Leaning it against just the saddle is also an option should a stable leaning point be available. Under no circumstances is one to lean the bike by any part of the frame.
If your bicycle should begin to fall or to move in any way, you are to drop whatever you are doing and use your own or a nearby companion’s body to arrest the fall and prevent damage of any sort to the machine. You should be willing to sacrifice personal injury by way of means to this end. Be it your child or your bong, drop that thing and make haste to rescue your machine. Rule #4, fucktards.
Vive la Vie Velominatus.
frank
The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking.
As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it.
Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen.
Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.
Damn, I'd only thought about the weight issue, never the wind issue, for you tall lads. Cycling is the one sport I've pursued where I'm perfectly happy to be the size I was dealt.
The Gesink photo on the Giant brings up a question I've had - have ISPs faded away (never caught on?)? It seemed like there used to be more of them.
I've got an ISP - kinda restricts Merckx like fine adjustment but otherwise does the job. I think some manufacturers are using the seat post for shock absorbing (again) and I've also noticed that the current incarnation of my Damocles (the Fenix) doesn't have an ISP as an option.
Damn, I'd only thought about the weight issue, never the wind issue, for you tall lads.
Aerodynamic nightmare, or Aeromare for short. Lash me and the bike to the mast of catamaran and you could probably win the fucking America's Cup or whatever they call it now.
But a tail wind, ah, I just unfurl the spinnakers and get a taste of what you fast guys feel. Love it.
Yes, they are throwing hissy fits, not being cool. Even Millar has learned to see the light, leaning his bike properly just prior to collapsing in a heap.
Regardless of your craft, losing your temper and throwing a fit is unprofessional, whether or not you also happen to be trying to win something.
@frank I see what you're getting at here, but using a guy who is known for basically being unable to stay on his bike for more than 2 consecutive days (Gesink) probably won't help your argument about your fit leading to better balance...
The Gesink photo on the Giant brings up a question I've had - have ISPs faded away (never caught on?)? It seemed like there used to be more of them.
Seems to be going away - very stiff and it turns out that the seat pin is not always a good place to have stiffness. I opted against the ISP on my new gravel rig mostly because it would never fit in a bike case.
Oh the fucking humanity! You give a guy a set of wheels to test and he takes pictures of them like they are second rate redheaded stepchildren!
Really well put. Do things properly. It is the finishing touches, the details, the pedantic, the precision, the effervescence of the V. Verve.
Full proper umbrella with wood carved handle purchased in Montreal from an Italian. Still 'ave it too.
Oli has been around, or at least he is still posting comments on my FB.
I'm going to argue against French cuffs with a suit. Save them for black tie and the higher-ups of Wall Street. Looks out of place otherwise.
Also, I've always been fine with only the saddle as a contact point for leaning. I don't have quite the height of @frank or @xyxax, but being on the tall side, I often feel like a fucking sail flopping around in the wind.
Yes, they are throwing hissy fits, not being cool. Even Millar has learned to see the light, leaning his bike properly just prior to collapsing in a heap.
Regardless of your craft, losing your temper and throwing a fit is unprofessional, whether or not you also happen to be trying to win something.
There's a big difference between leaning your bike properly with great reverence after it's carried you to a silver medal in the world championships and suffering mild plot loss when your bike fails in a potentially winning position. It may not be right or look good but it's completely understandable.
What do you want, a bit of uncontrolled passion or sportsmen in the mold of the other famous Scot, Misery Fucking Murray who'll just mumble and moan cliched crap about not being on his best form?
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@Ron
I've got an ISP - kinda restricts Merckx like fine adjustment but otherwise does the job. I think some manufacturers are using the seat post for shock absorbing (again) and I've also noticed that the current incarnation of my Damocles (the Fenix) doesn't have an ISP as an option.
@Ron
Aerodynamic nightmare, or Aeromare for short. Lash me and the bike to the mast of catamaran and you could probably win the fucking America's Cup or whatever they call it now.
But a tail wind, ah, I just unfurl the spinnakers and get a taste of what you fast guys feel. Love it.
@mouse, @strathlubnaig
Yes, they are throwing hissy fits, not being cool. Even Millar has learned to see the light, leaning his bike properly just prior to collapsing in a heap.
Regardless of your craft, losing your temper and throwing a fit is unprofessional, whether or not you also happen to be trying to win something.
@Mikael Liddy
Espresso snorted! You'll pay for that eventually!
@Alex
We had a fucker of a wind every day on Keepers Tour. The line behind had a nice draft.
@Ron
Seems to be going away - very stiff and it turns out that the seat pin is not always a good place to have stiffness. I opted against the ISP on my new gravel rig mostly because it would never fit in a bike case.
Oh the fucking humanity! You give a guy a set of wheels to test and he takes pictures of them like they are second rate redheaded stepchildren!
Really well put. Do things properly. It is the finishing touches, the details, the pedantic, the precision, the effervescence of the V. Verve.
Full proper umbrella with wood carved handle purchased in Montreal from an Italian. Still 'ave it too.
Oli has been around, or at least he is still posting comments on my FB.
And speaking of doing thing properly & Oli
https://m.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=330327633756637&id=219609484828453&set=a.252430468213021.56768.219609484828453&__user=1393430968
Anything better than a crate full of FMB?
I'm going to argue against French cuffs with a suit. Save them for black tie and the higher-ups of Wall Street. Looks out of place otherwise.
Also, I've always been fine with only the saddle as a contact point for leaning. I don't have quite the height of @frank or @xyxax, but being on the tall side, I often feel like a fucking sail flopping around in the wind.
@Chris
Just the thought of that leaves me needing a cigarette.
@frank
There's a big difference between leaning your bike properly with great reverence after it's carried you to a silver medal in the world championships and suffering mild plot loss when your bike fails in a potentially winning position. It may not be right or look good but it's completely understandable.
What do you want, a bit of uncontrolled passion or sportsmen in the mold of the other famous Scot, Misery Fucking Murray who'll just mumble and moan cliched crap about not being on his best form?