Bikes leaning at the gite, waiting to hit the cobbles on Keepers Tour 2013.
There are always at least two ways to accomplish any task: properly and improperly. Drinking beer from a glass, not the bottle; carrying a full umbrella instead of a miniature fold-up; stirring your gin martinis, not shaking them; wearing french cuffs with a suit, not button cuffs. The Velominatus, of course, is drawn towards doing things Properly, even when doing so comes at the expense of convenience.
While its true that doing something correctly may not always be the same as doing something the easy way, when it comes to the practice of leaning one’s bicycle against a wall, doing so properly is is maddeningly easy. Bicycles have wheels and wheels are what enable the mode of forward locomotion that brings us such pleasure. The fine print indicates, however, that these wheels are not biased towards forward motion. On the contrary, wheels are quite happy to roll in any direction they please, provided gravity or an external force provide ample reason to do so. And, despite being more than sturdy enough to bound down a cobbled farm track at high speed, bicycles are rather delicate things not suited for rolling off unsupervised. Derailleur hangers are easily bent, paintwork is easily scratched, and bar tape and saddles easily scuffed when wheels start unexpectedly rolling and steeds fall over.
For this reason, it is critical that one practices safe leaning:
When leaning your loyal steed against a well, care must be taken to lean the bike by its saddle and by its inside hood. There are several reasons for this including the notion that neither the saddle (made of lightly padded leather) nor the hood (made of rubber) are as wont to slip as is the frame. Leaning it by the hood also ensures the front wheel is pointing parallel to the wall, not away from it, offering an additional bit of insurance against an errant roll-away. Should one be leaning their bicycle against something too low to make saddle contact, the rear wheel and hood makes for a viable alternate.
Lean the machine with the mechanicals facing out. This will help avoid inadvertently crushing the derailleur against the wall and bending the rear derailleur hanger. That said, among Keepers polled, only one (who, in order to protect Brett’s identity, shall remain anonymous) made the case that keeping the mechs facing inward protects them from being brushed up against. Use your discretion here, but if leaning in, make sure ample space is left to prevent contact with the drivetrain and the wall.
When leaning a group of bikes against the wall, lean them all in the same direction such that the front wheel of the bike to the left overlaps with the back wheel of the bike to the right. This allows for a compact stacking of machines, prevents tangling of bars or other forms of damage-inducing fraternization between bikes, and allows any of the bikes to be removed from its place in the line without moving adjacent machines. While point two allows for the choice of facing in or out, when leaning groups of bikes against the wall, care will be taken to lean them all in the same direction and in this case facing mechanicals out will help prevent accidentally catching a wheel in a derailleur.
If leaning a bike against something smaller than a wall, the safest way to do so is to lean it only by the rear wheel, ensuring ample lean is given and that the orientation of the bicycle is chosen to minimize likelihood of the machine suddenly making a break for it. Leaning it against just the saddle is also an option should a stable leaning point be available. Under no circumstances is one to lean the bike by any part of the frame.
If your bicycle should begin to fall or to move in any way, you are to drop whatever you are doing and use your own or a nearby companion’s body to arrest the fall and prevent damage of any sort to the machine. You should be willing to sacrifice personal injury by way of means to this end. Be it your child or your bong, drop that thing and make haste to rescue your machine. Rule #4, fucktards.
Vive la Vie Velominatus.
frank
The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking.
As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it.
Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen.
Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.
@the Engine It's a personal choice but I'm in the show some cuff camp. Ideally, match the amount of cuff to the amount of shirt collar you're showing above your jacket at the back.
It's a tricky one to get right if you don't get your shirts made to measure along with your suits, suit sleeve length and width are just as crucial as the shirt's dimensions. Watches can also fuck up the whole effect if they're too big for the cuff. I can't afford the bespoke route but you can get pretty close to a good result with decent quality and fitting shirts.
...and a double Windsor knot of course - not forgetting to bull those shoes...
@the Engine It's a personal choice but I'm in the show some cuff camp. Ideally, match the amount of cuff to the amount of shirt collar you're showing above your jacket at the back.
It's a tricky one to get right if you don't get your shirts made to measure along with your suits, suit sleeve length and width are just as crucial as the shirt's dimensions. Watches can also fuck up the whole effect if they're too big for the cuff. I can't afford the bespoke route but you can get pretty close to a good result with decent quality and fitting shirts.
...and a double Windsor knot of course - not forgetting to bull those shoes...
what are you on about ? I must move in the wrong circles.
I'm going to argue against French cuffs with a suit. Save them for black tie and the higher-ups of Wall Street. Looks out of place otherwise.
Do you also keep lots of pens in your shirt pocket?
It's fine if you're going to wear a shit suit but if you take a bit of pride and your suit isn't made out of man made fibres then not sporting double cuffs is a bit like spending a fortune on a bike and heading out in trainers and running shorts or drinking a decent wine from a plastic cup.
Correct - although you must remember not to show your cuffs...
It should be noted that I'm rolling with cufflinks and my locally made full size umbrella today. One of my coworkers asked me 'Who spends $80 on an umbrella?' I shot back with 'Someone without two kids.' The topic was never broached again.
Good man. Here's mine, a gift when I moved to Seattle.
Do you have to wear a hat and a special suit with that? You must look a right twot walking into the office with that in your commuting kit.
I do like a good brolly. Unfortunately, I keep leaving them on trains.
Speaking as an English man that is a very fine Brolly
If it wasn't for my habit of leaving umbrellas on trains, I'd quite fancy one of these.
I'm going to argue against French cuffs with a suit. Save them for black tie and the higher-ups of Wall Street. Looks out of place otherwise.
Do you also keep lots of pens in your shirt pocket?
It's fine if you're going to wear a shit suit but if you take a bit of pride and your suit isn't made out of man made fibres then not sporting double cuffs is a bit like spending a fortune on a bike and heading out in trainers and running shorts or drinking a decent wine from a plastic cup.
Correct - although you must remember not to show your cuffs...
This is a little dated but has some gems (as with cycling the basics are timeless) such as positioning of buttons for braces:
I recommend that you follow my example and have the buttons for the braces on the outside of the trousers at the front and on the inside at the back. If, like me, you remove your jacket when driving, you will find that this arrangement spares the leather seat of your Royce.
and zip flies:
A zip is a nasty thing, redolent of cheap suitcases and brightly coloured tents. A bespoke suit should have a button fly.
...and a double Windsor knot of course - not forgetting to bull those shoes...
You work from home, don't you?
A Windsor is fine if you're wearing a regular weight tie and you're skinny. If you go for a heavy tie your likely to end up with a knot size worthy or a premier league soccerist or an Essex estate agent. If you've got a fat neck like me, you'll just end up with a tie that comes down just below your nipples. A half Windsor is much more forgiving to both tie weight and neck girth.
...and a double Windsor knot of course - not forgetting to bull those shoes...
You work from home, don't you?
A Windsor is fine if you're wearing a regular weight tie and you're skinny. If you go for a heavy tie your likely to end up with a knot size worthy or a premier league soccerist or an Essex estate agent. If you've got a fat neck like me, you'll just end up with a tie that comes down just below your nipples. A half Windsor is much more forgiving to both tie weight and neck girth.
I work from home but am forced to regularly meet with clients in their premises - therefore I have to obey the Sartorial Rules in order not to be considered a hippy douche. One always wears a tie in which a double Windsor can be tied elegantly.
I enjoyed the Rule about keeping a portable telephone in the glove box in case one's Royce declines to proceed.
@the Engine That was, perhaps, a slightly mean jab.
You must have a cyclists neck. Mine has retained it's shape from my rugby playing youth. Whilst it limits the knots available to me, there are advantages to it, such as not having it snap so easily when carrying out high speed inverted dismounts from a downhill bike.
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@Chris
...and a double Windsor knot of course - not forgetting to bull those shoes...
@the Engine
what are you on about ? I must move in the wrong circles.
@ped
sorry lads, try this place http://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/style
@E
If it wasn't for my habit of leaving umbrellas on trains, I'd quite fancy one of these.
@strathlubnaig
Or here.
This is a little dated but has some gems (as with cycling the basics are timeless) such as positioning of buttons for braces:
and zip flies:
There is even a rules section.
@the Engine
@the Engine
You work from home, don't you?
A Windsor is fine if you're wearing a regular weight tie and you're skinny. If you go for a heavy tie your likely to end up with a knot size worthy or a premier league soccerist or an Essex estate agent. If you've got a fat neck like me, you'll just end up with a tie that comes down just below your nipples. A half Windsor is much more forgiving to both tie weight and neck girth.
@Chris
I work from home but am forced to regularly meet with clients in their premises - therefore I have to obey the Sartorial Rules in order not to be considered a hippy douche. One always wears a tie in which a double Windsor can be tied elegantly.
I enjoyed the Rule about keeping a portable telephone in the glove box in case one's Royce declines to proceed.
@the Engine That was, perhaps, a slightly mean jab.
You must have a cyclists neck. Mine has retained it's shape from my rugby playing youth. Whilst it limits the knots available to me, there are advantages to it, such as not having it snap so easily when carrying out high speed inverted dismounts from a downhill bike.
@the Engine
I hope you were wearing Assos F1.UnoS5 shorts then, as your chamois memory is brilliant. (memory foam?)
Shoes are Bont A1 if you were wondering!
@simonsaunders
Both items exactly the same as mine and you made the sort of gag of which I'd be proud...did you ever meet your real parents?