Bikes leaning at the gite, waiting to hit the cobbles on Keepers Tour 2013.
There are always at least two ways to accomplish any task: properly and improperly. Drinking beer from a glass, not the bottle; carrying a full umbrella instead of a miniature fold-up; stirring your gin martinis, not shaking them; wearing french cuffs with a suit, not button cuffs. The Velominatus, of course, is drawn towards doing things Properly, even when doing so comes at the expense of convenience.
While its true that doing something correctly may not always be the same as doing something the easy way, when it comes to the practice of leaning one’s bicycle against a wall, doing so properly is is maddeningly easy. Bicycles have wheels and wheels are what enable the mode of forward locomotion that brings us such pleasure. The fine print indicates, however, that these wheels are not biased towards forward motion. On the contrary, wheels are quite happy to roll in any direction they please, provided gravity or an external force provide ample reason to do so. And, despite being more than sturdy enough to bound down a cobbled farm track at high speed, bicycles are rather delicate things not suited for rolling off unsupervised. Derailleur hangers are easily bent, paintwork is easily scratched, and bar tape and saddles easily scuffed when wheels start unexpectedly rolling and steeds fall over.
For this reason, it is critical that one practices safe leaning:
When leaning your loyal steed against a well, care must be taken to lean the bike by its saddle and by its inside hood. There are several reasons for this including the notion that neither the saddle (made of lightly padded leather) nor the hood (made of rubber) are as wont to slip as is the frame. Leaning it by the hood also ensures the front wheel is pointing parallel to the wall, not away from it, offering an additional bit of insurance against an errant roll-away. Should one be leaning their bicycle against something too low to make saddle contact, the rear wheel and hood makes for a viable alternate.
Lean the machine with the mechanicals facing out. This will help avoid inadvertently crushing the derailleur against the wall and bending the rear derailleur hanger. That said, among Keepers polled, only one (who, in order to protect Brett’s identity, shall remain anonymous) made the case that keeping the mechs facing inward protects them from being brushed up against. Use your discretion here, but if leaning in, make sure ample space is left to prevent contact with the drivetrain and the wall.
When leaning a group of bikes against the wall, lean them all in the same direction such that the front wheel of the bike to the left overlaps with the back wheel of the bike to the right. This allows for a compact stacking of machines, prevents tangling of bars or other forms of damage-inducing fraternization between bikes, and allows any of the bikes to be removed from its place in the line without moving adjacent machines. While point two allows for the choice of facing in or out, when leaning groups of bikes against the wall, care will be taken to lean them all in the same direction and in this case facing mechanicals out will help prevent accidentally catching a wheel in a derailleur.
If leaning a bike against something smaller than a wall, the safest way to do so is to lean it only by the rear wheel, ensuring ample lean is given and that the orientation of the bicycle is chosen to minimize likelihood of the machine suddenly making a break for it. Leaning it against just the saddle is also an option should a stable leaning point be available. Under no circumstances is one to lean the bike by any part of the frame.
If your bicycle should begin to fall or to move in any way, you are to drop whatever you are doing and use your own or a nearby companion’s body to arrest the fall and prevent damage of any sort to the machine. You should be willing to sacrifice personal injury by way of means to this end. Be it your child or your bong, drop that thing and make haste to rescue your machine. Rule #4, fucktards.
Vive la Vie Velominatus.
frank
The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking.
As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it.
Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen.
Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.
I'm going to argue against French cuffs with a suit. Save them for black tie and the higher-ups of Wall Street. Looks out of place otherwise.
Do you also keep lots of pens in your shirt pocket?
It's fine if you're going to wear a shit suit but if you take a bit of pride and your suit isn't made out of man made fibres then not sporting double cuffs is a bit like spending a fortune on a bike and heading out in trainers and running shorts or drinking a decent wine from a plastic cup.
Correct - although you must remember not to show your cuffs...
This is a little dated but has some gems (as with cycling the basics are timeless) such as positioning of buttons for braces:
I recommend that you follow my example and have the buttons for the braces on the outside of the trousers at the front and on the inside at the back. If, like me, you remove your jacket when driving, you will find that this arrangement spares the leather seat of your Royce.
and zip flies:
A zip is a nasty thing, redolent of cheap suitcases and brightly coloured tents. A bespoke suit should have a button fly.
And if you are wearing your suit jacket, and it's a 3 button single breasted, English worsted, bespoke suit, as all gentlemen should wear, never ever on any account fasten the third, or lowest button.
I'm going to argue against French cuffs with a suit. Save them for black tie and the higher-ups of Wall Street. Looks out of place otherwise.
Do you also keep lots of pens in your shirt pocket?
It's fine if you're going to wear a shit suit but if you take a bit of pride and your suit isn't made out of man made fibres then not sporting double cuffs is a bit like spending a fortune on a bike and heading out in trainers and running shorts or drinking a decent wine from a plastic cup.
Correct - although you must remember not to show your cuffs...
This is a little dated but has some gems (as with cycling the basics are timeless) such as positioning of buttons for braces:
I recommend that you follow my example and have the buttons for the braces on the outside of the trousers at the front and on the inside at the back. If, like me, you remove your jacket when driving, you will find that this arrangement spares the leather seat of your Royce.
and zip flies:
A zip is a nasty thing, redolent of cheap suitcases and brightly coloured tents. A bespoke suit should have a button fly.
...and a double Windsor knot of course - not forgetting to bull those shoes...
You work from home, don't you?
A Windsor is fine if you're wearing a regular weight tie and you're skinny. If you go for a heavy tie your likely to end up with a knot size worthy or a premier league soccerist or an Essex estate agent. If you've got a fat neck like me, you'll just end up with a tie that comes down just below your nipples. A half Windsor is much more forgiving to both tie weight and neck girth.
I work from home but am forced to regularly meet with clients in their premises - therefore I have to obey the Sartorial Rules in order not to be considered a hippy douche. One always wears a tie in which a double Windsor can be tied elegantly.
I enjoyed the Rule about keeping a portable telephone in the glove box in case one's Royce declines to proceed.
And the gum chewing one. Gum, in my opinion, should be outlawed.
I'm going to argue against French cuffs with a suit. Save them for black tie and the higher-ups of Wall Street. Looks out of place otherwise.
Do you also keep lots of pens in your shirt pocket?
It's fine if you're going to wear a shit suit but if you take a bit of pride and your suit isn't made out of man made fibres then not sporting double cuffs is a bit like spending a fortune on a bike and heading out in trainers and running shorts or drinking a decent wine from a plastic cup.
Correct - although you must remember not to show your cuffs...
This is a little dated but has some gems (as with cycling the basics are timeless) such as positioning of buttons for braces:
I recommend that you follow my example and have the buttons for the braces on the outside of the trousers at the front and on the inside at the back. If, like me, you remove your jacket when driving, you will find that this arrangement spares the leather seat of your Royce.
and zip flies:
A zip is a nasty thing, redolent of cheap suitcases and brightly coloured tents. A bespoke suit should have a button fly.
And if you are wearing your suit jacket, and it's a 3 button single breasted, English worsted, bespoke suit, as all gentlemen should wear, never ever on any account fasten the third, or lowest button.
All suit jackets should be double-vented as well. I take most of my sartorial advice from James Bond.
I'm going to argue against French cuffs with a suit. Save them for black tie and the higher-ups of Wall Street. Looks out of place otherwise.
Do you also keep lots of pens in your shirt pocket?
It's fine if you're going to wear a shit suit but if you take a bit of pride and your suit isn't made out of man made fibres then not sporting double cuffs is a bit like spending a fortune on a bike and heading out in trainers and running shorts or drinking a decent wine from a plastic cup.
Correct - although you must remember not to show your cuffs...
This is a little dated but has some gems (as with cycling the basics are timeless) such as positioning of buttons for braces:
I recommend that you follow my example and have the buttons for the braces on the outside of the trousers at the front and on the inside at the back. If, like me, you remove your jacket when driving, you will find that this arrangement spares the leather seat of your Royce.
and zip flies:
A zip is a nasty thing, redolent of cheap suitcases and brightly coloured tents. A bespoke suit should have a button fly.
And if you are wearing your suit jacket, and it's a 3 button single breasted, English worsted, bespoke suit, as all gentlemen should wear, never ever on any account fasten the third, or lowest button.
All suit jackets should be double-vented as well. I take most of my sartorial advice from James Bond.
I'm going to argue against French cuffs with a suit. Save them for black tie and the higher-ups of Wall Street. Looks out of place otherwise.
Do you also keep lots of pens in your shirt pocket? It's fine if you're going to wear a shit suit but if you take a bit of pride and your suit isn't made out of man made fibres then not sporting double cuffs is a bit like spending a fortune on a bike and heading out in trainers and running shorts or drinking a decent wine from a plastic cup.
Correct - although you must remember not to show your cuffs...
Or here.This is a little dated but has some gems (as with cycling the basics are timeless) such as positioning of buttons for braces:
I recommend that you follow my example and have the buttons for the braces on the outside of the trousers at the front and on the inside at the back. If, like me, you remove your jacket when driving, you will find that this arrangement spares the leather seat of your Royce.
and zip flies:
A zip is a nasty thing, redolent of cheap suitcases and brightly coloured tents. A bespoke suit should have a button fly.
And if you are wearing your suit jacket, and it's a 3 button single breasted, English worsted, bespoke suit, as all gentlemen should wear, never ever on any account fasten the third, or lowest button.
All suit jackets should be double-vented as well. I take most of my sartorial advice from James Bond.
I had an impulse to reply with my views on the etiquette of shaving (faces not guns) as we're being all grooming conscious, but have managed to restrain myself as I'd bore the living daylights out of you all.
@frank A-Merckc to that. I'd like to think that neither Eddy or Bond would lower themselves to the stuff. Singapore has got it right - drop your gum on the ground over there and you can expect to be birched.
My kids have started asking if they can have it. Tricky one, you can get away with a simple no most of the time but an outright ban might make it more attractive. Hopefully they'll work it out that they'll look like idiots when they're wandering round with a constantly moving jaw looking as though they can't manage joined up thought without moving parts.
Maybe I should tell them that I'll be more lenient with underage drinking if they don't chew gum.
Ah, Westvleteren, the finest of all the Trappists. Exceptionally strong work!
Had a tasting of this fine brew last Saturday evening, where it came up second against a 2007 Samichlaus. The Samichlaus is allegedly both the world's strongest lager and the 'world's rarest beer', which might be a good thing, given the Ministry of Silly Walks impression I inadvertently executed after drinking two of them in quick succession. Probably a poor choice for beer in the bidon.
I had an impulse to reply with my views on the etiquette of shaving (faces not guns) as we're being all grooming conscious, but have managed to restrain myself as I'd bore the living daylights out of you all.
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@Chris
And if you are wearing your suit jacket, and it's a 3 button single breasted, English worsted, bespoke suit, as all gentlemen should wear, never ever on any account fasten the third, or lowest button.
@Chris
There is so much fucking Awesome in there, I don't know where to start or stop.
Curious how cuff length is affected when holding a BFG.
@the Engine
And the gum chewing one. Gum, in my opinion, should be outlawed.
@Mike_P
All suit jackets should be double-vented as well. I take most of my sartorial advice from James Bond.
Well fuck my tits - look what I found
@frank
More Connery awesomeness
@frank
I had an impulse to reply with my views on the etiquette of shaving (faces not guns) as we're being all grooming conscious, but have managed to restrain myself as I'd bore the living daylights out of you all.
@frank A-Merckc to that. I'd like to think that neither Eddy or Bond would lower themselves to the stuff. Singapore has got it right - drop your gum on the ground over there and you can expect to be birched.
My kids have started asking if they can have it. Tricky one, you can get away with a simple no most of the time but an outright ban might make it more attractive. Hopefully they'll work it out that they'll look like idiots when they're wandering round with a constantly moving jaw looking as though they can't manage joined up thought without moving parts.
Maybe I should tell them that I'll be more lenient with underage drinking if they don't chew gum.
@frank
Had a tasting of this fine brew last Saturday evening, where it came up second against a 2007 Samichlaus. The Samichlaus is allegedly both the world's strongest lager and the 'world's rarest beer', which might be a good thing, given the Ministry of Silly Walks impression I inadvertently executed after drinking two of them in quick succession. Probably a poor choice for beer in the bidon.
@Mike_P
Ahem.