Bikes leaning at the gite, waiting to hit the cobbles on Keepers Tour 2013.
There are always at least two ways to accomplish any task: properly and improperly. Drinking beer from a glass, not the bottle; carrying a full umbrella instead of a miniature fold-up; stirring your gin martinis, not shaking them; wearing french cuffs with a suit, not button cuffs. The Velominatus, of course, is drawn towards doing things Properly, even when doing so comes at the expense of convenience.
While its true that doing something correctly may not always be the same as doing something the easy way, when it comes to the practice of leaning one’s bicycle against a wall, doing so properly is is maddeningly easy. Bicycles have wheels and wheels are what enable the mode of forward locomotion that brings us such pleasure. The fine print indicates, however, that these wheels are not biased towards forward motion. On the contrary, wheels are quite happy to roll in any direction they please, provided gravity or an external force provide ample reason to do so. And, despite being more than sturdy enough to bound down a cobbled farm track at high speed, bicycles are rather delicate things not suited for rolling off unsupervised. Derailleur hangers are easily bent, paintwork is easily scratched, and bar tape and saddles easily scuffed when wheels start unexpectedly rolling and steeds fall over.
For this reason, it is critical that one practices safe leaning:
When leaning your loyal steed against a well, care must be taken to lean the bike by its saddle and by its inside hood. There are several reasons for this including the notion that neither the saddle (made of lightly padded leather) nor the hood (made of rubber) are as wont to slip as is the frame. Leaning it by the hood also ensures the front wheel is pointing parallel to the wall, not away from it, offering an additional bit of insurance against an errant roll-away. Should one be leaning their bicycle against something too low to make saddle contact, the rear wheel and hood makes for a viable alternate.
Lean the machine with the mechanicals facing out. This will help avoid inadvertently crushing the derailleur against the wall and bending the rear derailleur hanger. That said, among Keepers polled, only one (who, in order to protect Brett’s identity, shall remain anonymous) made the case that keeping the mechs facing inward protects them from being brushed up against. Use your discretion here, but if leaning in, make sure ample space is left to prevent contact with the drivetrain and the wall.
When leaning a group of bikes against the wall, lean them all in the same direction such that the front wheel of the bike to the left overlaps with the back wheel of the bike to the right. This allows for a compact stacking of machines, prevents tangling of bars or other forms of damage-inducing fraternization between bikes, and allows any of the bikes to be removed from its place in the line without moving adjacent machines. While point two allows for the choice of facing in or out, when leaning groups of bikes against the wall, care will be taken to lean them all in the same direction and in this case facing mechanicals out will help prevent accidentally catching a wheel in a derailleur.
If leaning a bike against something smaller than a wall, the safest way to do so is to lean it only by the rear wheel, ensuring ample lean is given and that the orientation of the bicycle is chosen to minimize likelihood of the machine suddenly making a break for it. Leaning it against just the saddle is also an option should a stable leaning point be available. Under no circumstances is one to lean the bike by any part of the frame.
If your bicycle should begin to fall or to move in any way, you are to drop whatever you are doing and use your own or a nearby companion’s body to arrest the fall and prevent damage of any sort to the machine. You should be willing to sacrifice personal injury by way of means to this end. Be it your child or your bong, drop that thing and make haste to rescue your machine. Rule #4, fucktards.
Vive la Vie Velominatus.
frank
The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking.
As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it.
Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen.
Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.
Also, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has leaned a bike seemingly properly, only to have it move when you go to inspect something.
If you did it properly, it wouldn't move. That's the point, my friend. But I think we have all tried to do it properly, only to have it move.
And then you're left cursing at an inanimate object for moving, when normally you want it to move as fast as possible.
Cursing an inanimate object is one of my favorite pass times. And yes, wheels and bungee cords are two of the most infuriating objects when not engaged in their intended purpose.
Have a look at your bike. What sticks out? That's right, the mech. If you get in the habit of leaning it with mechs in, then eventually you will lean it with the wheel too far in and smash it against the wall - particularly if you didn't notice a protuberance in the wall or something else sitting in front of it. It has happened to me in the past and required the straightening of a bend hanger.
The argument that the bike could fall over is irrelevant because if you do it correctly, it will never happen. That is the point of Doing it Right.
@frank I run 42 cm Rotundos, not these hipster douchebag things:
As a matter of simple geometry and gravity, I can't set my bike against a vertical wall such that the saddle, inside hood and drivetrain all touch the wall.
Of course I see your point about Doing it Right, but that does not account for outside forces, such as toddlers, earthquakes, and the like.
It should be noted that I'm rolling with cufflinks and my locally made full size umbrella today. One of my coworkers asked me 'Who spends $80 on an umbrella?' I shot back with 'Someone without two kids.' The topic was never broached again.
In my Rule #5 defence I was riding with a cold all weekend...
Cold? More like the plague. I got that fucking plague, too. Had me down like illness rarely has me down. I hacked something up one night that I'm quite sure had an IQ.
I second that, 16 hours in a car with him I guess it was inevitable, just glad I was offshore and getting aid for feeling miserable while it was at its height, hopefully on themend now though. Bastard.
When I first started working in a certain bike shop, the first thing the owner stressed to me (and every new staffer) was that under NO circumstances must bikes be leant against anything by the seat or bars. Only by the back wheel, to prevent the bike rolling and getting damaged (I've seen it happen a lot, too). If the wheel is against a surface, it can't roll. It was instant dismissal for anyone caught leaning a bike by the seat, bars, toptube, pedals...
It should be noted that I'm rolling with cufflinks and my locally made full size umbrella today. One of my coworkers asked me 'Who spends $80 on an umbrella?' I shot back with 'Someone without two kids.' The topic was never broached again.
Oooh boy, I like that retort! I have a few friends who act as if they were forced to have kids & have been in a pissy mood since they had them. Your decision, your fault, quit raining on my goddamn good times.
And then you're left cursing at an inanimate object for moving, when normally you want it to move as fast as possible.
Cursing an inanimate object is one of my favorite pass times. And yes, wheels and bungee cords are two of the most infuriating objects when not engaged in their intended purpose.
It should be noted that I'm rolling with cufflinks and my locally made full size umbrella today. One of my coworkers asked me 'Who spends $80 on an umbrella?' I shot back with 'Someone without two kids.' The topic was never broached again.
Good man. Here's mine, a gift when I moved to Seattle.
It's true though, the back wheel should be touching as well as/rather than the saddle. Especially if using a pole to lean the bike against... you lean a bike against a street sign by the saddle and it's gonna roll and fall over. Use the rear wheel, it's going nowhere.
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@Ron
If you did it properly, it wouldn't move. That's the point, my friend. But I think we have all tried to do it properly, only to have it move.
Cursing an inanimate object is one of my favorite pass times. And yes, wheels and bungee cords are two of the most infuriating objects when not engaged in their intended purpose.
@Nate
Have a look at your bike. What sticks out? That's right, the mech. If you get in the habit of leaning it with mechs in, then eventually you will lean it with the wheel too far in and smash it against the wall - particularly if you didn't notice a protuberance in the wall or something else sitting in front of it. It has happened to me in the past and required the straightening of a bend hanger.
The argument that the bike could fall over is irrelevant because if you do it correctly, it will never happen. That is the point of Doing it Right.
@frank I run 42 cm Rotundos, not these hipster douchebag things:
As a matter of simple geometry and gravity, I can't set my bike against a vertical wall such that the saddle, inside hood and drivetrain all touch the wall.
Of course I see your point about Doing it Right, but that does not account for outside forces, such as toddlers, earthquakes, and the like.
It should be noted that I'm rolling with cufflinks and my locally made full size umbrella today. One of my coworkers asked me 'Who spends $80 on an umbrella?' I shot back with 'Someone without two kids.' The topic was never broached again.
@frank
I second that, 16 hours in a car with him I guess it was inevitable, just glad I was offshore and getting aid for feeling miserable while it was at its height, hopefully on themend now though. Bastard.
When I first started working in a certain bike shop, the first thing the owner stressed to me (and every new staffer) was that under NO circumstances must bikes be leant against anything by the seat or bars. Only by the back wheel, to prevent the bike rolling and getting damaged (I've seen it happen a lot, too). If the wheel is against a surface, it can't roll. It was instant dismissal for anyone caught leaning a bike by the seat, bars, toptube, pedals...
@TBONE
Oooh boy, I like that retort! I have a few friends who act as if they were forced to have kids & have been in a pissy mood since they had them. Your decision, your fault, quit raining on my goddamn good times.
@frank
@brett
Just goes to show that just cuz you run a bike shop doesn't mean you know fuck all about bikes.
@TBONE
Good man. Here's mine, a gift when I moved to Seattle.
@frank
It's true though, the back wheel should be touching as well as/rather than the saddle. Especially if using a pole to lean the bike against... you lean a bike against a street sign by the saddle and it's gonna roll and fall over. Use the rear wheel, it's going nowhere.