La Vie Velominatus: Lean Properly
There are always at least two ways to accomplish any task: properly and improperly. Drinking beer from a glass, not the bottle; carrying a full umbrella instead of a miniature fold-up; stirring your gin martinis, not shaking them; wearing french cuffs with a suit, not button cuffs. The Velominatus, of course, is drawn towards doing things Properly, even when doing so comes at the expense of convenience.
While its true that doing something correctly may not always be the same as doing something the easy way, when it comes to the practice of leaning one’s bicycle against a wall, doing so properly is is maddeningly easy. Bicycles have wheels and wheels are what enable the mode of forward locomotion that brings us such pleasure. The fine print indicates, however, that these wheels are not biased towards forward motion. On the contrary, wheels are quite happy to roll in any direction they please, provided gravity or an external force provide ample reason to do so. And, despite being more than sturdy enough to bound down a cobbled farm track at high speed, bicycles are rather delicate things not suited for rolling off unsupervised. Derailleur hangers are easily bent, paintwork is easily scratched, and bar tape and saddles easily scuffed when wheels start unexpectedly rolling and steeds fall over.
For this reason, it is critical that one practices safe leaning:
- When leaning your loyal steed against a well, care must be taken to lean the bike by its saddle and by its inside hood. There are several reasons for this including the notion that neither the saddle (made of lightly padded leather) nor the hood (made of rubber) are as wont to slip as is the frame. Leaning it by the hood also ensures the front wheel is pointing parallel to the wall, not away from it, offering an additional bit of insurance against an errant roll-away. Should one be leaning their bicycle against something too low to make saddle contact, the rear wheel and hood makes for a viable alternate.
- Lean the machine with the mechanicals facing out. This will help avoid inadvertently crushing the derailleur against the wall and bending the rear derailleur hanger. That said, among Keepers polled, only one (who, in order to protect Brett’s identity, shall remain anonymous) made the case that keeping the mechs facing inward protects them from being brushed up against. Use your discretion here, but if leaning in, make sure ample space is left to prevent contact with the drivetrain and the wall.
- When leaning a group of bikes against the wall, lean them all in the same direction such that the front wheel of the bike to the left overlaps with the back wheel of the bike to the right. This allows for a compact stacking of machines, prevents tangling of bars or other forms of damage-inducing fraternization between bikes, and allows any of the bikes to be removed from its place in the line without moving adjacent machines. While point two allows for the choice of facing in or out, when leaning groups of bikes against the wall, care will be taken to lean them all in the same direction and in this case facing mechanicals out will help prevent accidentally catching a wheel in a derailleur.
- If leaning a bike against something smaller than a wall, the safest way to do so is to lean it only by the rear wheel, ensuring ample lean is given and that the orientation of the bicycle is chosen to minimize likelihood of the machine suddenly making a break for it. Leaning it against just the saddle is also an option should a stable leaning point be available. Under no circumstances is one to lean the bike by any part of the frame.
- If your bicycle should begin to fall or to move in any way, you are to drop whatever you are doing and use your own or a nearby companion’s body to arrest the fall and prevent damage of any sort to the machine. You should be willing to sacrifice personal injury by way of means to this end. Be it your child or your bong, drop that thing and make haste to rescue your machine. Rule #4, fucktards.
Vive la Vie Velominatus.
Thankfully I (we) have been doing it correctly all these years. A-Merckx.
The “saddle and by its inside hood” picture is art.
One of our sunday riding bros, Bart, should know this. He now warns all other carbon frame owners not to do what he did; lean his carbon bike agains a sign post in a casually deliberate manner. The wind pushed it over. Frame hit a cement corner. There was much weepin’ and a cursing that day my friends. A day that went from near perfect to shiet in two seconds. Bike nearly ruined for that bit of work.
He will lay his bike down, mech side up, if there is any chance of it being blown over.
@Gianni
I do the same now, because of a similar noodle incident.
Not sure I can fully agree with your example in the opening fully, but I certainly agree with the sentiment and principles. I think a fair few folk must learn this rule the hard way though. Once bitten, etc.
Oh, and no prizes for guessing whose bike is at the back of the pack there in the pic. Assymetry.
@strathlubnaig Obviously my steed was inside when this was taken leaning against a nice soft chair in an appropriate manner – much like it’s owner in fact
Leaning the bike on its inside pedal with the crank facing rearward is also a very solid (but possibly advanced) option.
@strathlubnaig
Its not your job to agree, Pedalwan. Its your job to fucking shut it and do as you’re told!
@the Engine
Mate, there were actually quite a lot of KT days that proceeded your little weekend nip and tuck! Next year, its time to double-down and do the whole thing. See how your legs feel on Day 8 of laying Massive Cobble Waste and Destruction.
@Marcus
I’ll do this in a pinch, but its inferior to the other methods without offering any benefit in terms of being easier to accomplish or being more stable or causing less damage to the bike (pedals scratch too, you know).
Though I suppose your bikes don’t have as far to go to hit the ground as mine, so you do have some lower risk from that standpoint.
@frank the benefit is that standing your bike on its pedal looks fucking cool. But not even that would help the monstrosity far left above. If I was @Dan_R I would be very upset about the damage you have done to his wheel brand.
The LOOK 595 is the business though – who owns that?
As for pedals scratching, well get some speedplays and it aint an issue.
And as for your nasty high person’s comment I have got nothing in response.
It should only take one good fall that scrapes your top tube and scuffs your seat and bar tape… But you see it happen over and over… inexcusable for anyone over the age of 12. As in the photo, it just looks so awesome to pull up to a pub and see a line of bikes all neatly in order. It gives the riders inside a level of instant respect from those walking in and instantly classes up any dive bar. VLVV!
@frank
He who worries about pedals getting scratched is to be immediately beaten with an appropriate pedal wrench. Something heavy, like a shop-grade Park.
@frank have a snickers Frank
On the other hand, why lean your bike against anything ??
@frank
@frank- the whole thing ? I had best start saving now. Do I get a tee shirt next time if I am not a second class attendee ?
@the engine – all or nothing it seems, dude, will the mrs engine allow such things ?
Which bike in the title photo has twice the legal dosage of seat post??
@Aaron
Every part of the bicycle is sacred and every part of the bicycle shall be treated as such. Go wash your mouth out with chain degreaser and think about what you’ve said, young man.
@Marcus
William. Spongey front end, from what he says. Or was that the back end. Hard to say with that accent and that constant drinking we were doing.
@strathlubnaig
Nothing to do with being a second class citizen – just that I’d had them made already by the time you decided to come along. It was good fun though, eh? Rattling along those stones! I need to feel that thrill of coming off smooth tarmac onto cobbles again!
@frank
aye I know, just joshing with you mate. I had a ball, I found myself still not quite believing where I had been riding, it was such a quick decision to head over there, sometimes those unplanned events are the best. Hanging and riding the pavé with the V troops and drafting behind a car with Johann Museeuw in Flanders well what can I say ! Hard to beat.
@frank i have a 595 with almost the same paintjob and i lurv it. But i wouldnt know a spongy front end from a very unspongey one. They just look cool. I have ridden mine pretty drunk though.
@frank This is how Wiggins does it. (Start video at :21.)
hah, I was scrolling down through the comments to see if anyone Wiggo’s wig-out…
Thanks @nickleggs – for me, this confirms Wiggo as the coolest person on the planet currently
There’s something about British road cyclists and sublime bike-tossing skills. A lesson or two from Millar, perhaps?
@frank great stuff. It’s not something I’d given much thought to but it’s clearly as much a part of looking pro as a clean drive train or neat bar tape.
Incidentally, is this the reason for @oli’s absence? You barred him for heinious Rule #65 abuse?
@strathlubnaig
@the Engine Mate, there were actually quite a lot of KT days that proceeded your little weekend nip and tuck! Next year, its time to double-down and do the whole thing. See how your legs feel on Day 8 of laying Massive Cobble Waste and Destruction.
I’ve been trying to persuade some of the club that we should go as an equipe next year and monster it from a riding and Looking Fantastic point of view. I’ll tell Mrs Engine that I’m spending ten days with some prostitutes in Amsterdam that’ll go down better than telling the truth.
In my Rule #5 defence I was riding with a cold all weekend…
Gents, I couldn’t agree more if only you knew the amount of time I spend on arrival at work straightening pictures and rearranging the artwork. Some riders just don’t get it. Incorrect leaning should punishable by flogging! Rant over…
So, there was my Cervelo leaning perfectly against the garden wall after last weekend’s Sunday ride, in conformance with Frank’s guidance, when my 19 month old son decided that Dad’s steed need exploring. Timberrrrr!! There are so many lessons to be learned here, not least of which is related to locking small children up.
@nickleggs aye but he threw it just right so it landed leaning against the wall. I was very impressed when I saw that highlight the other day on TV. Even throwing the bike has to be done the right way.
Millar shows a different approach, throwing his over the barrier
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIW1MAvyPD4
from memory, didn’t The Cobra throw a bike once?
Oh and I just came across this (for any PiNP/Fyxo followers):
http://prollyisnotprobably.com/2013/04/melburnout-shifter-dans-40th-birthday-bush-bash-day-02/?utm_source=feedly#1
Wiggins perfected the Pinarello throw, an art form that was still at its very beginnings in the mid90s:
http://youtu.be/DFzteK_y1b4?t=35s
Then again, his very basic technique did that fugly design justice.
I do love that you used Mr. Bond as an example both of doing something properly and improperly, Frank. Good of you to allow him to redeem himself.
I would assume that my display of leaning- and incidental hanger of damp cycling kit- would not be approved?
in my defence it is a cramped NHS office and safer than anywhere else, no changing facilities either! Ah the joys of public service
@nickleggs
Not advisable if you pay for your own stuff, but you have to admire how Wiggo tosses the bike yet it still manages to land right side up and likely in keeping with Frank’s rules. Impressive.
@Frank
That’s a tough call.
I never let any of my bikes, even the lowly commuters, fraternize with the bad bikes in the neighborhood. Just can’t risk that influence.
Also, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has leaned a bike seemingly properly, only to have it move when you go to inspect something. And then you’re left cursing at an inanimate object for moving, when normally you want it to move as fast as possible. And then I feel like a jerk.
Oh, and who does the red and white LOOK belong to. A fine choice of rides indeed.
I leaned my bike against the side of my car to open the back hatch at the end of a long day in the saddle. A big gust of wind came through and blew it over. I picked it up and leaned it on the other side of the car, out of the wind, at a bigger angle. A bigger gust of wind blew it over. I picked it up, apologized like Ike to Tina, and laid the bike in some nearby grass. Felt like more of an idiot than usual.
@simonsaunders
Holy Public Sector Workers Batman – that’s my shoe and bib combo right there
@simonsaunders
Errrr – what’s that under the saddle?
Should one not add to the list:
Thou shalt not rest one’s steed anywhere in the vicinity of a tri-bike, recumbent or fixie, lest a member of the general public assume one is in the company of the owners of said abominations. Or, in short, keep fish and fowl apart.
Solid article Dutch Monkey. Tho for anyone that’s shelled out half a years mortgage payments on their whip, this should be a given.
My steel rig was parked in my parents garage years ago when I stopped by to visit for a hour. It was stowed properly. Dad went to get something, and my precious was in the way. He moved it, leaned it on the corner of a post using the top tube as the contact point. I got to the garage just in time to see the bike roll forward, imparting a deep scratch from fore to aft thru the paint, followed by it running into his car, before hitting the ground. There was heated discussion that, no matter your age, you’ll never win against your parents.
If one was to be picky about Wiggo’s bike parking, he did park it drive-side to the wall.
I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around @frank’s logic for point 2. While leaning the bike drive side out is aesthetically pleasing, I cannot figure out how the mech is going to get damaged by the wall if you lean DS in. And, if the bike happens to topple over when leaned DS out (unlikely as that may be), it will fall on the DS with the potential to damages crank & rear mech.
@Chris
He left of his own volition; while we certainly disagreed on a number of things, I never begrudged him his place in the community. For the record, I’ve not clue why he’s not been around lately.
That said, I can’t fucking understand how he could have put the bike face down like that. Merckx. From the looks of the photo he had a strange hybrid handlebar that was one-half road bend and one-half flat-bar. To each their own.
@the Engine
Cold? More like the plague. I got that fucking plague, too. Had me down like illness rarely has me down. I hacked something up one night that I’m quite sure had an IQ.
@Alex
Looks like a fanastic ride. Can’t wait for my graveur rig to arrive and start to hit the mountain gravel epics this summer.
@Dr C
You are one funny fucker.
@V-olcano
Assume you are referring to this:
The famous “Shaken, not stirred” notion that set everyone off buying shakers is actually quite bad for gin. Though to Bond’s credit, he always drank vodka martinis, not gin martinis, so I blame the drunk community for not paying close enough attention on that one.
Never, ever shake gin. Especially good gin. Ian Flemming actually just made the whole shaken thing up because cocktails at the time were being stirred and he wanted to set Bond appart. I don’t think he realized what he was doing to England’s favorite spirit.