Bikes leaning at the gite, waiting to hit the cobbles on Keepers Tour 2013.
There are always at least two ways to accomplish any task: properly and improperly. Drinking beer from a glass, not the bottle; carrying a full umbrella instead of a miniature fold-up; stirring your gin martinis, not shaking them; wearing french cuffs with a suit, not button cuffs. The Velominatus, of course, is drawn towards doing things Properly, even when doing so comes at the expense of convenience.
While its true that doing something correctly may not always be the same as doing something the easy way, when it comes to the practice of leaning one’s bicycle against a wall, doing so properly is is maddeningly easy. Bicycles have wheels and wheels are what enable the mode of forward locomotion that brings us such pleasure. The fine print indicates, however, that these wheels are not biased towards forward motion. On the contrary, wheels are quite happy to roll in any direction they please, provided gravity or an external force provide ample reason to do so. And, despite being more than sturdy enough to bound down a cobbled farm track at high speed, bicycles are rather delicate things not suited for rolling off unsupervised. Derailleur hangers are easily bent, paintwork is easily scratched, and bar tape and saddles easily scuffed when wheels start unexpectedly rolling and steeds fall over.
For this reason, it is critical that one practices safe leaning:
When leaning your loyal steed against a well, care must be taken to lean the bike by its saddle and by its inside hood. There are several reasons for this including the notion that neither the saddle (made of lightly padded leather) nor the hood (made of rubber) are as wont to slip as is the frame. Leaning it by the hood also ensures the front wheel is pointing parallel to the wall, not away from it, offering an additional bit of insurance against an errant roll-away. Should one be leaning their bicycle against something too low to make saddle contact, the rear wheel and hood makes for a viable alternate.
Lean the machine with the mechanicals facing out. This will help avoid inadvertently crushing the derailleur against the wall and bending the rear derailleur hanger. That said, among Keepers polled, only one (who, in order to protect Brett’s identity, shall remain anonymous) made the case that keeping the mechs facing inward protects them from being brushed up against. Use your discretion here, but if leaning in, make sure ample space is left to prevent contact with the drivetrain and the wall.
When leaning a group of bikes against the wall, lean them all in the same direction such that the front wheel of the bike to the left overlaps with the back wheel of the bike to the right. This allows for a compact stacking of machines, prevents tangling of bars or other forms of damage-inducing fraternization between bikes, and allows any of the bikes to be removed from its place in the line without moving adjacent machines. While point two allows for the choice of facing in or out, when leaning groups of bikes against the wall, care will be taken to lean them all in the same direction and in this case facing mechanicals out will help prevent accidentally catching a wheel in a derailleur.
If leaning a bike against something smaller than a wall, the safest way to do so is to lean it only by the rear wheel, ensuring ample lean is given and that the orientation of the bicycle is chosen to minimize likelihood of the machine suddenly making a break for it. Leaning it against just the saddle is also an option should a stable leaning point be available. Under no circumstances is one to lean the bike by any part of the frame.
If your bicycle should begin to fall or to move in any way, you are to drop whatever you are doing and use your own or a nearby companion’s body to arrest the fall and prevent damage of any sort to the machine. You should be willing to sacrifice personal injury by way of means to this end. Be it your child or your bong, drop that thing and make haste to rescue your machine. Rule #4, fucktards.
Vive la Vie Velominatus.
frank
The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking.
As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it.
Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen.
Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.
I would assume that my display of leaning- and incidental hanger of damp cycling kit- would not be approved?
in my defence it is a cramped NHS office and safer than anywhere else, no changing facilities either! Ah the joys of public service
Errrr - what's that under the saddle?
Should one not add to the list:
Thou shalt not rest one's steed anywhere in the vicinity of a tri-bike, recumbent or fixie, lest a member of the general public assume one is in the company of the owners of said abominations. Or, in short, keep fish and fowl apart.
Solid article Dutch Monkey. Tho for anyone that's shelled out half a years mortgage payments on their whip, this should be a given.
My steel rig was parked in my parents garage years ago when I stopped by to visit for a hour. It was stowed properly. Dad went to get something, and my precious was in the way. He moved it, leaned it on the corner of a post using the top tube as the contact point. I got to the garage just in time to see the bike roll forward, imparting a deep scratch from fore to aft thru the paint, followed by it running into his car, before hitting the ground. There was heated discussion that, no matter your age, you'll never win against your parents.
If one was to be picky about Wiggo's bike parking, he did park it drive-side to the wall.
I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around @frank's logic for point 2. While leaning the bike drive side out is aesthetically pleasing, I cannot figure out how the mech is going to get damaged by the wall if you lean DS in. And, if the bike happens to topple over when leaned DS out (unlikely as that may be), it will fall on the DS with the potential to damages crank & rear mech.
@frank great stuff. It's not something I'd given much thought to but it's clearly as much a part of looking pro as a clean drive train or neat bar tape.
Incidentally, is this the reason for @oli's absence? You barred him for heinious Rule #65 abuse?
He left of his own volition; while we certainly disagreed on a number of things, I never begrudged him his place in the community. For the record, I've not clue why he's not been around lately.
That said, I can't fucking understand how he could have put the bike face down like that. Merckx. From the looks of the photo he had a strange hybrid handlebar that was one-half road bend and one-half flat-bar. To each their own.
In my Rule #5 defence I was riding with a cold all weekend...
Cold? More like the plague. I got that fucking plague, too. Had me down like illness rarely has me down. I hacked something up one night that I'm quite sure had an IQ.
I do love that you used Mr. Bond as an example both of doing something properly and improperly, Frank. Good of you to allow him to redeem himself.
Assume you are referring to this:
stirring your gin martinis, not shaking them
The famous "Shaken, not stirred" notion that set everyone off buying shakers is actually quite bad for gin. Though to Bond's credit, he always drank vodka martinis, not gin martinis, so I blame the drunk community for not paying close enough attention on that one.
Never, ever shake gin. Especially good gin. Ian Flemming actually just made the whole shaken thing up because cocktails at the time were being stirred and he wanted to set Bond appart. I don't think he realized what he was doing to England's favorite spirit.
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@simonsaunders
Holy Public Sector Workers Batman - that's my shoe and bib combo right there
@simonsaunders
Errrr - what's that under the saddle?
Should one not add to the list:
Thou shalt not rest one's steed anywhere in the vicinity of a tri-bike, recumbent or fixie, lest a member of the general public assume one is in the company of the owners of said abominations. Or, in short, keep fish and fowl apart.
Solid article Dutch Monkey. Tho for anyone that's shelled out half a years mortgage payments on their whip, this should be a given.
My steel rig was parked in my parents garage years ago when I stopped by to visit for a hour. It was stowed properly. Dad went to get something, and my precious was in the way. He moved it, leaned it on the corner of a post using the top tube as the contact point. I got to the garage just in time to see the bike roll forward, imparting a deep scratch from fore to aft thru the paint, followed by it running into his car, before hitting the ground. There was heated discussion that, no matter your age, you'll never win against your parents.
If one was to be picky about Wiggo's bike parking, he did park it drive-side to the wall.
I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around @frank's logic for point 2. While leaning the bike drive side out is aesthetically pleasing, I cannot figure out how the mech is going to get damaged by the wall if you lean DS in. And, if the bike happens to topple over when leaned DS out (unlikely as that may be), it will fall on the DS with the potential to damages crank & rear mech.
@Chris
He left of his own volition; while we certainly disagreed on a number of things, I never begrudged him his place in the community. For the record, I've not clue why he's not been around lately.
That said, I can't fucking understand how he could have put the bike face down like that. Merckx. From the looks of the photo he had a strange hybrid handlebar that was one-half road bend and one-half flat-bar. To each their own.
@the Engine
Cold? More like the plague. I got that fucking plague, too. Had me down like illness rarely has me down. I hacked something up one night that I'm quite sure had an IQ.
@Alex
Looks like a fanastic ride. Can't wait for my graveur rig to arrive and start to hit the mountain gravel epics this summer.
@Dr C
You are one funny fucker.
@V-olcano
Assume you are referring to this:
The famous "Shaken, not stirred" notion that set everyone off buying shakers is actually quite bad for gin. Though to Bond's credit, he always drank vodka martinis, not gin martinis, so I blame the drunk community for not paying close enough attention on that one.
Never, ever shake gin. Especially good gin. Ian Flemming actually just made the whole shaken thing up because cocktails at the time were being stirred and he wanted to set Bond appart. I don't think he realized what he was doing to England's favorite spirit.