Legal Doping: Musings from the V-Bunker
I’m not even talking about all the pseudo-asthmatics out there, vaping their way to better breathing. My breathing is just fine. It’s my little citron sized heart that is slowing me down. Is there a street-legal injection or vacuum pump for heart enlargement, or a trip to a doctor in the Congo that would transplant a badass Mandrill heart for me? That would have to improve my uphill sprint. The transplant shouldn’t be illegal; possibly unwise- but not illegal. I digress.
We can’t all do up a block of training on Tenerife so I rely on un caffé, an espresso. This is legal doping at its finest. One can do it in public. There is no shame attached to drinking an espresso with your teammates before a ride. Faema, a company that Eddy Merckx rode for is still in business, in the espresso business. It’s sort of like Amgen, a producer of EPO sponsoring the Tour of California. The UCI limit is 12 micrograms per ml in urine which is a lot of espresso, like ten of them. That much espresso would just make one a wild slavering beast (a mandrill for instance) who would burn very brightly and then be found trembling in a ditch when the lights went out. I’m sure there are some kermis racers who get all jacked on coffee and burn up the course. That might be the only way to actually dope with caffeine; a race that only lasts an hour and never slows down.
If I enjoy a pre-ride espresso, am I doping or am I just feeding my caffeine monkey (or mandrill) that rides on my back and needs to be serviced? It’s not effective doping if you dope every day of the year, just to get to nine AM, is it? My dose is just to get me back up to baseline functionality. I can’t even tolerate much caffeine in the middle of a long hot ride. After dosing mid-ride, I get a very uncomfortable hypo-glycemic out-of-body experience and my brain detaches. My brain and eyeballs floats above and I can see that poor suffering bastard down below, with the pre-adolescent sized heart, barely in control of his bike.
I will, on occasion, do a morning ride sans caffé. Some rides start too early in the morning for me to even think about brewing up and sometimes the ride’s terminus is a café so I hold off. It is never good. A long climb without coffee is much less fun than a long climb with a little caffeine pumping around the nervous system. That small does of caffeine makes the sweating, front wheel staring, and bartape chewing so much more fun and interesting. A jour sans (coffee) is no fun unless one is into a ride so exciting and exhausting (and that started before sunrise) that the lack of buzz is completely unnoticed. Espresso and climbing go well together. Is that why the Colombians are excellent climbers? Espresso and cycling are a good match, like cycling and beer. I’m not saying one needs to develop a coffee or drinking habit to be a cyclist. If you already have them, chapeau, here is a sport that embraces both, completely.
Caffiene can make you lighter too. Makes you poop. At least that’s what they tell me.
doppio? surely?
Espresso: less caffeine than most coffee drinks. And easier on the stomach. These are good things. And why the espresso is so connected to cycling. I remember someone telling me you’d have to knock back five espressi (or was it regular coffees, with more caffeine) to be contravening WADA’s caffeine protocols.
But let’s be clear. It must be good coffee. And it should preferably come from a local café, and not from your countertop Keurig (see the: it must be good coffee remark). The café espresso is an important part of cycling aestheticism””and being seen.
Gianni, theres doping then theres doping… espresso, wicked hot embrocation and tiger balm in the nostrils is all legal and kosher.
Miami and “Cubano” coffee are about as close to Italian coffee as one can find (ignoring that Miami is not really part of Merica) state side. My morning rides start with a stop at the open window of the local cafe and a Cortadito – sugar, milk and espresso. Man its such a great way to start.
If I am riding early (like predawn) I brew the night before and have it iced to get out the door faster. After all sleep is a performance enhancing thing too.
Midride on a hot day? Un coca, s’il vous plait.
@Ccos
I knew there was a reason I drank so much.
@Chris
One is not enough and ten is too many. A doppio is perfect.
@Rob
Rob, you are embracing the Miami lifestyle. That is fantastic, the window service, a badass cubano espressi comes out, boom, and off on the track bike. This ain’t no foolin’ around.
From the UCI website.feel free to have 10 Espresso.
@Nate
That, brewing up the night before, I must be doing that more. I bought some canned espresso beverage and tried to drink it at 5:30 am before a long ride from nowhere, so terrible. I had to spit it out and dump the rest. I bet espresso keeps pretty well overnight, well enough to drink pre-dawn from nowhere, I reckon.
@Nate Yep. Iced is AWESOME. (As long as it’s not one of those blueberry flavored crap blends)
“After dosing mid-ride, I get a very uncomfortable hypo-glycemic out-of-body experience and my brain detaches.”
That can be fun if handled carefully. Away from traffic.
I have a quad mocha every morning for baseline. I try to drink very little right before a ride tho. It goes right through me and who wants to stop in 10k to pee?
@Nate
When in Rome do espresso as the Romans do, but this is the Byzantine empire here so we’ll be having Turkish coffee.
It has to be near-boiled on the stove and stirred while it brews so it really isn’t something you can do quickly pre-ride in the morning – and my rides are usually an 0530 start so maximum efficiency and minimum time is the order of the day.
If I’m driving to a ride I will sometimes make a cafetiere and put it in a flask to drink in the car.
But the overnight cooling thing might be worth a shot for when I’m riding from home.
Here’s a strange thing, I love an espresso, but only a single, double is too much, even for such a small drink, the difference is subtle.
There are few greater pleasures in life than a day ride in the French countryside with friends, stopping and sitting outside a cafe in a village square, sipping wonderful coffee and talking bike shit while the world drifts by.
Espresso is best saved for after dinner, as a double, and alongside a grappa. Any other time, especially in the am, it’s coffee: large, black and in a cup.
@wilburrox
I know it’s sacrilege, but i never could get into espresso… Unless it was in cafe con leche, otherwise I an with you- coffee large and black.
I set up a little moka stove-top the night before an early start. Crank the burner when you get up before you even pee and there’s hot coffee before you’ve pulled your shorts on. Just make sure the coffee basket is dry when you set it up or the good stuff leeches overnight.
That and some Greek yoghurt and honey and I’m good for 40km before I need to hit energy bars or gels.
@wilburrox
Jesus, that is the devil’s own cocktail- doppio and grappa. Insomnia and headache.
@ChrissyOne
I wish it was, it never is.
That is quite a baseline.
@Gianni
Rinsing the bottom of the espresso cup with the last of the grappa is golden.
How about this for ‘legal’ doping? An old road racing buddy of mine used to swear by this:
Bidon full of coca cola (flat) laced with 3 spoonfuls of instant coffee and topped off with a tablespoon of honey.
Truly disgusting but it sure did put some lead in your pencil.
@Glasgow Neil
I’d ride fast just to get away from that !!
I was at an event last year and getting the bike out of the back of the car before the start. Parked next to me was a guy from Holland who introduced himself and said “Dutch legal doping” as he cracked open a can of Red Bull, downed two ibuprofen and a gel, laughing in that fantastic way only the Dutch can (cue Frank). Fairly vomit inducing, but effective I’m guessing.
@Glasgow Neil
That would get you to the finish line.
I knew a guy who was stuck at some god forsaken corner of the world studying penguins. They were bored enough to make peanut butter and instant coffee powder sandwiches, everyday. Another researcher started to abuse the dart gun potion they used on the penguins. He got very crazy and they had to tie him up. Science is fun!
@Mike_P
Have you ever tried Red Bull? Jesus, that is terrible piss. Better to drink espresso/ibuprofen/gels.
Has anyone tried flattening a Monster and putting that in a bidon? It works wonders when you have to be up at 3:30 to get to a race after being awake till 12 the night before. I don’t like it before the ride, but during, around the 80 mile mark.
@Fausto Crapiz When you grow up and learn to read big words, the ingredients list on that shit will scare the shit out of you. Play a game of spot the natural ingredient.
@Gianni
I think you’ll find that it’s nauseating terrible piss.
@Chris
DISCLAIMER: I never said that it was healthy or that you should drink one everyday. I said that it beats the hell out of staring at your handlebars like one of our near, dear friends dose.
P.S. Guarana is completely natural. I think it’s something that the south American natives extract from tree frogs when they need to take down a gorilla.
@Fausto Crapiz
Drink a fucking espresso.
@Fausto Crapiz
Geography is next semester then?
Argh….. should think before I write. Jaguar.
P.S. As a second generation Italian, I enjoy espresso, but the only way to drink it is hot. (I.e. preride) In general, I usually have enough adrenaline running through my system make a nuclear energy plant look like a prius.
A pre-commute stovetop is the usual start to the morning for me and changes the quality of the ride – the legs seem to spin faster for the duration and the cool air is sucked through the mouth like a supercharger. That’s the drug for me. It’s also a great communciation enhancer with mates at the cafe pre-ride
I would stat away from the Redbull, 5 hour energy shit. A dude necrosed his bladder after drinking 3 of those at once. That is not a good day. Stick to coffee, you’ll puke before you OD.
I’m not with anyaya on this one. I fucking hate coffee. I don’t need uppers, I need downers. And I think a drug is a drug is a drug. Caffeine fucks me up more than alcohol. I wish I could roll 2 beers deep at all times, it would allow me to shrug things off more. But, I can’t.
*I’m all for cafe culture and having a drink with a pal, or the process of it. But some fat fuck driving to work Monday morning and guzzling down a Big Boy coffee while texting and putting their necktie on. Fuck them and fuck that.
Caffeine is used as a drug by most folks in the U.S. And, if you get a fucking drug break twice a workday, give me a Post Rider Recovery Drink break twice a workday.
Otherwise, I’m calling drug discrimination. Don’t profile my drug(s) of choice.
@Ron A twice-daily Recovery Drink break would have me more worried about the calories than the caffeine.
I do agree there needs to be an element of caution. You can have too much caffeine and I’m not talking about WADA limits or long-term effects. It elevates heart rate and I know people who’ve been downing gels with caffeine in them and then suffered arrhythmia during a race.
Anyway, I tried the cold Turkish coffee thing this morning. Not bad – would probably work better with a bit more sugar as it is quite bitter normally and the coolness seemed to accentuate it.
It made the sediment completely settled so it was easy to down, although a little bit of sediment is part of the flavour of the thing.
Sounds like an addict attempting to find justification for their addiction. There is a reason it’s not on the UCI banned substances list…. it does next to nothing, if anything in real terms.
As a Coach once told me (in reference to sups actually but applicable here); If it worked, it would be banned.
I don’t put that shit in my body
I am going to keep my head down on this one because I know there are some very evangelical V-Barristas out there. Just to say:
1. Coffee – pre ride
2. Tea (malted recovery beverage only if the sun is over the yard arm) – post ride
If there are any performance enhancing properties to the caffeine, they have been firmly masked by less than perfect stroke!
So much hate for the beautiful drug called caffiene. Not sure how I would have gotten through grad school without it.
@Owen spot on! A wonderful drink as is tea. Both should only be drunk in the style of the culture that adopted them and perfected the drinking of them.
Note that the image (what post here never gets the image dissected?) that Gianni used is not of some fantasy butterfly in latte waves of hearts. No, it’s a working mans/womans drink with just the right amount of white and sugar in a sensible cup to drink hot and fast and then get on with the ride.
Lastly, the science allows that caffeine is a slight vaso expander and yes it is good to have a reasonable amount of caffeine before physical effort as it does get the blood going. After reasonable it does nothin except give you monkey mind (think the Dutch kind caffeinated!).
I’m a 3 mugs of filter brew a day so any pre-ride coffee is simply part of my daily intake. I don’t think of it as performance enhancing, I don’t think it even is. There’s no doubt it increases alertness. Perhaps if my body was caffeine free and I would feel something different going on after 200mg but I still don’t think that would be my performance being enhanced. My max HR (and subsequent training zones) is my max HR and caffeine would only serve to increase heart rate before I’ve even turned a pedal, it won’t increase my max by the same amount. Nothing beats Proper Training.
It’s simple. I like coffee (without milk and sugar) but not after 6pm as it does affect sleep which is detrimental to performance. Riding tired after a coffee may fight off the drowsiness but I’m in now way performance enhanced as inside I’m still a half shut knife, masked somewhat by caffeine. Stay away from the big caffeinated ‘energy drinks’ you’re simply paying for all their marketing and event support budgets.
@Rob the style of the academic and or grad student is cheap, black, and by the potful. Cheap and black because when consuming such volumes one cannot afford Starbucks or half and half. Photos of my PhD coffee would not have been so pretty as above.
Speaking of energy drinks, I know for a fact that consumption of a regular Monster drink and a Twinkie will get one exactly 57 miles before being completely and utterly destroyed by the Man with the Hammer.
Energy drinks are a waste of money and taste like piss and sugar. Choose coffee (espresso or a good pour over), or, in a pinch, No-Doz tablets from the gas station.
I find 400mg about 30 mins before the ride works beautifully. It’s been scientifically demonstrated to a moral certainty with no shadow of doubt that caffeine improves one’s ability to oxidize stored food energy at aerobic levels of output. I know this because I am a Doctor of Philosophy. And it fucking works, at least for me. And, no, I don’t crash deep in the ride as long as I keep fueling.
400 mg….. holy shit, that’s the equivalent of two energy drinks or 7 cans of mountain dew.
Blimey, a keen cyclist with a website who enoys an espresso. Who’d of thunk it.
@Fausto Crapiz
Or, rather, two cups of strong coffee. People think energy drinks are high in caffeine. Most that I have seen do not have 200mg/can.
@PeakInTwoYears
Wait a second… Mountain Dew?