I’m not even talking about all the pseudo-asthmatics out there, vaping their way to better breathing. My breathing is just fine. It’s my little citron sized heart that is slowing me down. Is there a street-legal injection or vacuum pump for heart enlargement, or a trip to a doctor in the Congo that would transplant a badass Mandrill heart for me? That would have to improve my uphill sprint. The transplant shouldn’t be illegal; possibly unwise- but not illegal. I digress.
We can’t all do up a block of training on Tenerife so I rely on un caffé, an espresso. This is legal doping at its finest. One can do it in public. There is no shame attached to drinking an espresso with your teammates before a ride. Faema, a company that Eddy Merckx rode for is still in business, in the espresso business. It’s sort of like Amgen, a producer of EPO sponsoring the Tour of California. The UCI limit is 12 micrograms per ml in urine which is a lot of espresso, like ten of them. That much espresso would just make one a wild slavering beast (a mandrill for instance) who would burn very brightly and then be found trembling in a ditch when the lights went out. I’m sure there are some kermis racers who get all jacked on coffee and burn up the course. That might be the only way to actually dope with caffeine; a race that only lasts an hour and never slows down.
If I enjoy a pre-ride espresso, am I doping or am I just feeding my caffeine monkey (or mandrill) that rides on my back and needs to be serviced? It’s not effective doping if you dope every day of the year, just to get to nine AM, is it? My dose is just to get me back up to baseline functionality. I can’t even tolerate much caffeine in the middle of a long hot ride. After dosing mid-ride, I get a very uncomfortable hypo-glycemic out-of-body experience and my brain detaches. My brain and eyeballs floats above and I can see that poor suffering bastard down below, with the pre-adolescent sized heart, barely in control of his bike.
I will, on occasion, do a morning ride sans caffé. Some rides start too early in the morning for me to even think about brewing up and sometimes the ride’s terminus is a café so I hold off. It is never good. A long climb without coffee is much less fun than a long climb with a little caffeine pumping around the nervous system. That small does of caffeine makes the sweating, front wheel staring, and bartape chewing so much more fun and interesting. A jour sans (coffee) is no fun unless one is into a ride so exciting and exhausting (and that started before sunrise) that the lack of buzz is completely unnoticed. Espresso and climbing go well together. Is that why the Colombians are excellent climbers? Espresso and cycling are a good match, like cycling and beer. I’m not saying one needs to develop a coffee or drinking habit to be a cyclist. If you already have them, chapeau, here is a sport that embraces both, completely.
I know as well as any of you that I've been checked out lately, kind…
Peter Sagan has undergone quite the transformation over the years; starting as a brash and…
The Women's road race has to be my favorite one-day road race after Paris-Roubaix and…
Holy fuckballs. I've never been this late ever on a VSP. I mean, I've missed…
This week we are currently in is the most boring week of the year. After…
I have memories of my life before Cycling, but as the years wear slowly on…
View Comments
"After dosing mid-ride, I get a very uncomfortable hypo-glycemic out-of-body experience and my brain detaches."
That can be fun if handled carefully. Away from traffic.
I have a quad mocha every morning for baseline. I try to drink very little right before a ride tho. It goes right through me and who wants to stop in 10k to pee?
@Nate
When in Rome do espresso as the Romans do, but this is the Byzantine empire here so we'll be having Turkish coffee.
It has to be near-boiled on the stove and stirred while it brews so it really isn't something you can do quickly pre-ride in the morning - and my rides are usually an 0530 start so maximum efficiency and minimum time is the order of the day.
If I'm driving to a ride I will sometimes make a cafetiere and put it in a flask to drink in the car.
But the overnight cooling thing might be worth a shot for when I'm riding from home.
Here's a strange thing, I love an espresso, but only a single, double is too much, even for such a small drink, the difference is subtle.
There are few greater pleasures in life than a day ride in the French countryside with friends, stopping and sitting outside a cafe in a village square, sipping wonderful coffee and talking bike shit while the world drifts by.
Espresso is best saved for after dinner, as a double, and alongside a grappa. Any other time, especially in the am, it's coffee: large, black and in a cup.
@wilburrox
I know it's sacrilege, but i never could get into espresso... Unless it was in cafe con leche, otherwise I an with you- coffee large and black.
I set up a little moka stove-top the night before an early start. Crank the burner when you get up before you even pee and there's hot coffee before you've pulled your shorts on. Just make sure the coffee basket is dry when you set it up or the good stuff leeches overnight.
That and some Greek yoghurt and honey and I'm good for 40km before I need to hit energy bars or gels.
@wilburrox
Jesus, that is the devil's own cocktail- doppio and grappa. Insomnia and headache.
@ChrissyOne
I wish it was, it never is.
That is quite a baseline.
@Gianni
Rinsing the bottom of the espresso cup with the last of the grappa is golden.
How about this for 'legal' doping? An old road racing buddy of mine used to swear by this:
Bidon full of coca cola (flat) laced with 3 spoonfuls of instant coffee and topped off with a tablespoon of honey.
Truly disgusting but it sure did put some lead in your pencil.