Categories: Etiquette

Nod Snob

I love every kind of bike, from the tricked-out fixies all over Seattle (hello – hilly-ass town!  Unless your fixie is a 39-27, you are not making a sensible choice!), to the awesome Dutch Bikes, to the phenomenal racers around town, I love them all.

I am, however, a bitch when it comes to bike noise.  Some noises can be forgiven, while others can not. My good friends at Speedy Reedy in Seattle know this all too well, I think, based on a recent comment the head mechanic made, “I don’t doubt it makes noise, I just don’t know if it’s the spoke tension…”  The point is, if it’s making a sound, that’s kinetic energy not focused in making me go forward even though it’s caused by energy I’m putting into the bicycle.  And that’s bad.  There’s also a certain mechanical challenge in making a bike run silently, one that I enjoy when it’s not pissing me off: working through the possible sources of the noise in a process of elimination and the thrill of having silenced it.

There is only one noise that I accept on a bike, and that is drive train noise.  That is, if you’re running Shimano or SRAM.  Campy, I have found, runs almost silently.  My bike – aside from the dull pop I’m currently hearing in my saddle when my fat-ass runs over a big enough bump – is virtually silent these days.  All I hear is the hum of my wheels, and that is a sound worth buying wheels for.  That said, Shimano and SRAM are simply noisy.  The chain or the pulleys in the derailleur or something but they simply make noise.  And, while it’s still a loss in kinetic energy, that’s OK.

But a squeaky chain?  Unforgivable.  I don’t care who you are, but if you own a bicycle, you can buy a can of WD-40 and make it stop-the-fuck squeaking.   Or Tri-Flow.   Or, better yet, something your local bike shop mechanic recommends.  Topic closed.

My point is, I am not a bike snob.  I am, however, a nod snob.  Some cyclist will nod at anyone riding another bike.  Others will nod at anyone who nods at them.  Paradoxically, many of them will not nod at a female cyclist, unless they didn’t realize she was a female.

I, on the other hand, am very judicious when it comes to nodding at a cyclist.  The cyclist’s nod is an acknowledgment of a kindred spirit, of souls suffering towards a similar goal.  It implies a similar level of devotion to the sport, a willingness to betray accepted social norms for the life of a cyclist.  This is a vaguely-defined set of criteria more accurately measured by stating those qualities which will result in me not nodding at a fellow cyclist.

Those qualities are as follows, in no particular order:

  • Your chain is squeaking.
  • Your helmet is missing or is on backwards.  Obvious exceptions to this rule are if you’re wearing a hair-net or a cycling cap (backwards) and are riding an Italian or Belgian steel road bike, preferably with your brake cables springing up from your brake hoods directly to your frame, or if your name is Charley Mottet.
  • You are wearing tights on a day that knickers will do, or shorts on a day when you should wear knickers or tights.
  • You are riding a recumbent.
  • You come blowing  by me on a climb and your legs are not shaved.  There are exceptions to this rule, but I have to know you personally in order to issue exceptions.
  • You are hammering needlessly.
  • You don’t look cool.  This makes me sound like a jerk, but lets face it, this is an important part of cycling: once you reach a certain level of familiarity with your bicycle, you almost automatically will look cool.
  • You annoy me in some other way that is not outlined here.  This could be anything from falling into my gaze when I’m tired or otherwise cranky, to motoring by me on the Lighthouse on your fixie.

I think that covers it.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • @david
    People in Wisconsin are soft. Ask Marko about training in Northern Minnesota. He gets coffee at Santa's Workshop. I used to train in Minneapolis, but I have to admit, I'd ride the trainer if it was below 5F.

    And let me also say I don't even understand how you put on two pairs of tights.

  • frank :
    And let me also say I don't even understand how you put on two pairs of tights.

    First you roll up one leg, then you put your toes into the rolled up - oh balls, you'll have to figure it out for yourself I just got back from a hot 161.5k ride and its time for the (as Brett puts it) barbie and a few tall ones (ok more than a few...). Happy Mem day to all over here.

  • Jarvis :@frank
    your wrong about tights. If you're not wearing tights/leg warmers below 12C(I have no idea what this is in the other temperature) then you look a twat. Leg/Knee warmers are then required up to 20C. Above that we can let the legs out.

    20c?? HTFU! If you can see the sun, tights and leg warmers look bananas. Will sport knickers in the morning up to 10c, but later in the day will likely just wear shorts.

    Will nod most of the time (I can't see for shit, so can't tell who I'm nodding to until it's almost too late). Also live on a trail and conservation area, so lots of plodders; won't nod always on there...

  • @steampunk
    I am riding for a reason, I am training. That is why I wear legs up to 20c

  • And we're listening to Aussies on the matter? For Christ's sake, it's winter in July down under. How cold could it get in July, anywhere?! Australian cold weather gear: wool socks, if both of the only pair owned can be found, and full-fingered cricket gloves.

    haha, cricket gloves, love it. But, while I am indeed an Aussie, I reside in the decidedly colder climes of Wellington, NZ. Even here, I resist the wearing of tights, I don't even own any, and leg warmers are rarely employed. And Kiwis are shit at cricket, so they don't really know how to use the gloves...

  • A small part of me dies inside whenever i see a recumbent. I will make an exception for recumbents is the rider is 70+ years of age and must use a walker when not on the bike.

  • @Shannon I hear you, man. I was riding last weekend with a Velomihottie, and we came across two young dudes sporting US Postal kits riding recumbents with these ridiculous yellow "flags" ...did they have no shame? It was painful to witness, so we passed them and like Lot's wife and the pillar of salt, we didn't look back...I explained to the Velomihottie what an egregious violation of good taste it was, and, thankfully, she understood intuitively.

  • How much of you dies when you see this?

    I met this guy, actually; he had another bike in their as well; dude had everything set up with power taps and everything else. Not a supporter of the recumbent bike, but this guy was very much passionate about it, and I have to at least respect that.

  • Oh wow, I just threw up in my mouth a little. I guess I can respect the passion at the same time lamenting the ill-advised focus.

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