This week’s Guest Article comes from our friend, @blacktoolpower (l) and our editor Drummond Moir (r). In anticipation of our book’s imminent release, these two donned their lab coats and headed out to the streets of London to assess the state of Rule Compliance in the city’s commuter crowd. Always remember: leave this kind of inspection to professionals and should you find yourself in such a position, take special care to observe Rule #43.
Yours in Cycling, Frank
—
Friday 24th March was a day of reckoning for the cyclists of London. In anticipation of the imminent publication of The Rules: The Way of the Cycling Disciple, we took to the streets, vigilante-style, to assess whether the Cycling population of the capital were Rules Compliant, or Rules Violators.
We were ruthless. We were professional. No fool was suffered gladly.
Do Not Complain If, During Guerilla Bike Inspections, You Get a Cold.
It was rather wet. And cold. And I didn’t have a jacket. But to complain of the subsequent pestilence would be to fail, pure and simple. To Cycle is to suffer; to seek out Rules Violators during the coldest Spring in over 30 years is sheer bravery and dedication. What sort of Bike Inspector would I be if I couldn’t follow that most basic and fundamental of Rules, Rules #5?
Do Not Fear the Common Man
I had minor reservations about Dr. Spackman’s wellbeing should our benevolent intentions during assessment be misconstrued. Fortunately, I was being over-cautious. From the very first Cyclist we flagged down, to the final pair of socks we measured, London’s Cyclists were as accommodating and as friendly as we could have hoped. Rule #43 was adhered to at all times.
Do Not Succumb to Wrath, or to Despair
There were moments of pain. Of hopelessness. Of despondency tinged with impotent fury.
So many EPMSs!
But Dr Spackman and I pressed on, strengthened by sheer conviction in our mission.
[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/frank@velominati.com/Rule Inspection/”/]
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Rule #43 compliant
@Mike_P
I'm sure there would be abundant violators in Edinburgh, but I wouldn't recommend going to Glasgow or Paisley and going up to a punter and measuring his socks or giving him a ticket for mis-matched tires, bar tape and saddlle.
":Good afternoon good sir, may we inspect yourself and your trusty velocipede for adherence of the Rules and possible violations?
"Whit?"
"Rule compliance sir. Designed and fabricated to the highest possible standards in Seattle, Washington and inspired by the prophet Merckx."
"Ah, dinnae ken whit the fuck you're oan aboot son, but if you gie me wan y they tickets, ah'll boot yer baws so hard you'll hiv three Adam;'s apples.."
"Carry on sir and have a splendid day on your velocipede."
"Away tae fuck ya white coated cunt."
The White Coat of Authority.
Fantastic work and a great way to promote the book. How many stickers ended up covering a Boris bike then?
@strathlubnaig Drummond is pure jock by the way. He just works in London. And I'm still laughing from Frank's innuendous mis-spelling of my handle. Laughing like this: "grrrrrrrrr"
@wiscot
Almost right, but they dinnae use the word 'ken' in Paisley / Glasgow, otherwise a probable conversation, aye.
@blackpooltower
Ah, I am glad about that. Did he do the talking ? It's like that old joke, a young lad from Scotland heads to London to start his new job. At Xmas he goes back to Scotlandshire for a visit, and his Pa said "whit dae ye think o' the English son ?" to which the braw lad o' pairts replies "Ah dinnae ken, Pa, I only met the Bosses"
Obviously the Keepers need to place the cards for sale so the rest of us may employ them in similar fashion.
@strathlubnaig Haha! Love it. I'll ask Mrs Blackpooltower about that (a Weegie). Drummond did most of the talking, I did most of the sock measuring. Best bit of all was the security guard at Liverpool St station who we thought was going to give us a hard time. Drummond explained what we're doing, at which point the guard pointed at a nice Wilier on the racks, saying "that's my bike ... well, it's my weekday bike anyway. The good one's back at home". Strong work.
I think we're in good hands with these guys. Good, insane hands.
I wonder how this would go down at #Corrieris café in Stirling on a Saturday afternoon. Might need to outsprint the chasing bunch back up to the Kier.