Oversharing on the Group Ride

A bunch of new friends rolls along, getting to know one another.

My dog greets every dog on the street as though it were her long lost best friend. As soon as the customary butt-sniffing has been sorted out, the two dogs will wrestle each other endlessly, stopping only after an owner-forced separation. Any human that falls within her gaze is a viable candidate for a new home and they are accordingly inspected with a pit-wiggle (pitbull owners will know what I’m talking about), jumping, bark-speaking, and – if she can get close enough – licking and mouth hugs.

Imagine, for a moment, if adult humans greeted one another in this way.

By and large, adult humans tend to be a fairly antisocial lot. We weren’t born this way, it is a learned behavior. Boys at the playground tend to select their friends based on whether they are approximately the same size, like the same sorts of toys, and whether they appear to be interested in kicking sand on the same group of girls. Girls use a similar but less sand-kicky method of selection. There doesn’t appear to be an enormous amount of personality analysis that goes on; as we grow up, we learn to be guarded towards strangers and to perform a deeper assessment of someone’s personality before we decide whether or not to become friends.

The bicycle is the great neutralizer of this defense, providing an immediate foundational building block of friendship between strangers. Rolling along in a group of near total strangers, the conversation flows easily. But this also presents a risk of oversharing, delving casually into territory that should really be saved for closer friendships. The following are a loose set of guidelines to help keep things classy on the group ride.

Rule #43 holds court over all else. We roadies already have a reputation for being snobby and exclusionary; help break the reputation by being fun and welcoming.
Keep the conversation light and friendly. No politics, no religion except Rule Holism, and, if you are single and have more than two, try not to reveal how many cats you have.
Ask more questions than you answer. No one really cares that you’re getting a liver transplant or that your roommate’s boyfriend is an asshole. Those things should really only come up if the either the liver or the asshole boyfriend did something mean or stupid to someone’s bike.
When in doubt, ask your companion how they find their bike. Ask about any other bikes they might have. Ask about their wheels, their bars, or that embarrassing stack of spacers under their stem. But don’t ask about their saddle bag until you know each other quite a bit better because thems be fightin’ words, believe it or not.
If at any point you find yourself discussing your saddle sore, don’t.

Rinse and repeat the above for every rider in the bunch you find yourself alongside.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Barracuda says:

Mar 3 2016 at 3:34 pm

@Oli

Brett half-wheeling Frank and a very messy paceline behind. Perhaps we should be talking about that in the bunch?

This !
brett says:

Mar 3 2016 at 4:04 pm

@Oli

Brett half-wheeling Frank and a very messy paceline behind. Perhaps we should be talking about that in the bunch?

That's just the angle of the camera! I'm more concerned with the wind puffing up my gilet and rendering me neckless...
brett says:

Mar 3 2016 at 4:05 pm

But yeah, it's a dog's breakfast behind!
chris says:

Mar 3 2016 at 4:36 pm

@frank

I know it's your Merckx given right as a Dutchman to think you're right without resorting to inconveniences such as facts but the file information on the photo of me has the photo being taken at 12:08 on the 31 March 2012 whilst the photo of the bunch was taken at 12:10.

That would suggest that Jesse took the photo of me, spent a shade under two minutes marveling at the Belgianness of my phantom aerobars before pootling up the road to document the shambles of the bunch ahead.

We were on the D953 between Sars-et-Rosières and the bridge over the A23 just before Beuvry la Foret.
Haldy says:

Mar 3 2016 at 6:19 pm

@chris

@frank

I know it’s your Merckx given right as a Dutchman to think you’re right without resorting to inconveniences such as facts

I cannot begin to explain how much this statement hurts my brain! Merckx given right? To a Dutchman? Really??!!!??

The only part that even rings true is that facts are just inconveniences to @frank.
Ccos says:

Mar 3 2016 at 6:26 pm

There is a guy I ride with who may be sharing too much, but he's German and I can't understand a damn thing he says when he's on the bike with the noise of the wind and all.
Major VVald says:

Mar 3 2016 at 6:51 pm

@Ccos

He's probably just telling the legs to shut up. Is his name Jens by chance?
David Booth Beers says:

Mar 3 2016 at 7:00 pm

Is this Anatomy of a Photo? The comments seem to have devolved into belly button lint picking by those who were on the ride in the lead photo. But the Article is Oversharing on the Group Ride, eh? And some loosely-compiled Rules about keeping the Ride mellow. Like:

Don't Be A Fred, a jackrabbit or a squirrel

If you are new to the group, absolutely talk about everyone else's steed. If you must name-drop to gain acceptance, those names should of course include Eddy, and for The Hour, Evie.

If somebody new joins your established group, don't everyone give 'em the Resting Bitch Face or greet 'em with "Whassup?" or (worse) "'sup?" unless you are an angry 14-year old. And don't give a bunch of exaggerated hand signals to make sure the new guy doesn't immediately cause a bunch crash.

Establish your street cred by sitting in, NOT by pushing the pace or going off the front

Maintain the pace as you pull through to your turn at the front. Pull your share, no more (showoff), no less (wheel sucker).

Always carry spares.
Scott says:

Mar 3 2016 at 8:43 pm

I've found folks can get a bit indignant when they're pressed on a Rule 34 violation as well. Have no idea why they're so concerned with walking when they are on a bike, but they get right pissed about it when asked.
ChrisO says:

Mar 3 2016 at 11:32 pm
My dog (a toller) has a much more human approach.
- Be wary of anything that isn't a gundog like him, especially scary fuckers like shepherds and stupid fuckers like chows.
- Fat gundogs are to be pitied and shown how to run properly as opposed to lumbering like a furry chocolate log.
- Sight hounds are OK because they're a bit like him.
- Small, yappy things are to be ignored except the ones with attitude who are to be looked at with a puzzled WTF is your problem head-tilt.
- If you have a ball then nothing and nobody else matters, because they all want it and it's YOURS.
Frankly this is the correct approach to group riding as well.

Avoid stupid or scary people - they're immediately obvious. Pity fat people but feel no compunction about dropping their pitiable asses. The ones with a chip on their shoulder are probably triathletes.

If they look like you and play like you they're probably alright, and your bike is better than anyone else's.

Fuck being friendly until you know they aren't going to piss on you, bite you or try to fuck you.