Oversharing on the Group Ride

A bunch of new friends rolls along, getting to know one another.

My dog greets every dog on the street as though it were her long lost best friend. As soon as the customary butt-sniffing has been sorted out, the two dogs will wrestle each other endlessly, stopping only after an owner-forced separation. Any human that falls within her gaze is a viable candidate for a new home and they are accordingly inspected with a pit-wiggle (pitbull owners will know what I’m talking about), jumping, bark-speaking, and – if she can get close enough – licking and mouth hugs.

Imagine, for a moment, if adult humans greeted one another in this way.

By and large, adult humans tend to be a fairly antisocial lot. We weren’t born this way, it is a learned behavior. Boys at the playground tend to select their friends based on whether they are approximately the same size, like the same sorts of toys, and whether they appear to be interested in kicking sand on the same group of girls. Girls use a similar but less sand-kicky method of selection. There doesn’t appear to be an enormous amount of personality analysis that goes on; as we grow up, we learn to be guarded towards strangers and to perform a deeper assessment of someone’s personality before we decide whether or not to become friends.

The bicycle is the great neutralizer of this defense, providing an immediate foundational building block of friendship between strangers. Rolling along in a group of near total strangers, the conversation flows easily. But this also presents a risk of oversharing, delving casually into territory that should really be saved for closer friendships. The following are a loose set of guidelines to help keep things classy on the group ride.

Rule #43 holds court over all else. We roadies already have a reputation for being snobby and exclusionary; help break the reputation by being fun and welcoming.
Keep the conversation light and friendly. No politics, no religion except Rule Holism, and, if you are single and have more than two, try not to reveal how many cats you have.
Ask more questions than you answer. No one really cares that you’re getting a liver transplant or that your roommate’s boyfriend is an asshole. Those things should really only come up if the either the liver or the asshole boyfriend did something mean or stupid to someone’s bike.
When in doubt, ask your companion how they find their bike. Ask about any other bikes they might have. Ask about their wheels, their bars, or that embarrassing stack of spacers under their stem. But don’t ask about their saddle bag until you know each other quite a bit better because thems be fightin’ words, believe it or not.
If at any point you find yourself discussing your saddle sore, don’t.

Rinse and repeat the above for every rider in the bunch you find yourself alongside.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Mikael Liddy says:

Mar 3 2016 at 11:51 pm

@chris

In my defence, at the time the group was disintegrating in the lead photo, I was off the back trying to zone out, find some rhythm and embrace the pain.

Those photos really are majestic, amazing how pro photographers can make us look good when we feel anything but...
Mikael Liddy says:

Mar 3 2016 at 11:53 pm

@ChrisO

Fuck being friendly until you know they aren’t going to piss on you, bite you or try to fuck you.

Bloody hell, must be a colourful bunch you roll with in the Emirates if they're the things you have to worry about!!!
chris says:

Mar 4 2016 at 1:13 am

@Haldy

@chris

@frank

I know it’s your Merckx given right as a Dutchman to think you’re right without resorting to inconveniences such as facts

I cannot begin to explain how much this statement hurts my brain! Merckx given right? To a Dutchman? Really??!!!??

The only part that even rings true is that facts are just inconveniences to @frank.

It didn't take long, for the benefit of anyone lacking the ability to spot sarcasm on the internet, I should have said "I know you think it’s your Merckx given right as a Dutchman..."
RobSandy says:

Mar 4 2016 at 1:48 am

I quite enjoy that moment when you're close to the end of the effort or the ride, and the chaingang/paceline suddenly starts to fragment and become a free for all, and you find out who's got the legs, who's struggling, and whether or not you're following the right wheel.

Probably shouldn't happen with 50kms to go, however.
JohnB says:

Mar 4 2016 at 2:26 am

@chris

'the front of the bunch has as much responsibility for keeping it tight as the middle and the back. British pursuiting is a good example of that'

Up until this week at the World Track Champs I would have agreed with you!
chris says:

Mar 4 2016 at 3:12 am

@JohnB

I was alluding to the their recent inability of the front to retain its tail.

Judging by some of the comments coming out of the British camp this week, both before and after the racing, it would seem that all is not well between coaches and riders.

I'm hoping for a strong showing from Cav and the women's pursuit team. @roadslave525 and I will be cheering them on at the velodrome.
Teocalli says:

Mar 4 2016 at 3:40 am

@chris

@JohnB

I was alluding to the their recent inability of the front to retain its tail.

Seems to be a growing trend too unfortunately
hudson says:

Mar 4 2016 at 4:20 am

@RobSandy

I quite enjoy that moment when you’re close to the end of the effort or the ride, and the chaingang/paceline suddenly starts to fragment and become a free for all, and you find out who’s got the legs, who’s struggling, and whether or not you’re following the right wheel.

Probably shouldn’t happen with 50kms to go, however.

I've been missing this. All of my miles since November have been either solo rides or commutes. I can only drop my shadow so many times before it doesn't even come ride with me anymore. I miss the excitement of rolling into the final K, trying to get your placement right, holding the wheel in front at speeds a man simply can't sustain on his own. Love the winter, but i am looking forward to longer days and warmer evening temperatures that bring everyone together.
Teocalli says:

Mar 4 2016 at 4:53 am

@hudson

@RobSandy

I quite enjoy that moment when you’re close to the end of the effort or the ride, and the chaingang/paceline suddenly starts to fragment and become a free for all, and you find out who’s got the legs, who’s struggling, and whether or not you’re following the right wheel.

Probably shouldn’t happen with 50kms to go, however.

I’ve been missing this. All of my miles since November have been either solo rides or commutes. I can only drop my shadow so many times before it doesn’t even come ride with me anymore. I miss the excitement of rolling into the final K, trying to get your placement right, holding the wheel in front at speeds a man simply can’t sustain on his own. Love the winter, but i am looking forward to longer days and warmer evening temperatures that bring everyone together.

You had a shadow in winter? Mine headed off somewhere last autumn and has not been seen since. Having said that he might be back this PM if I can get away from my desk.
hudson says:

Mar 4 2016 at 5:11 am

@Teocalli

@hudson

@RobSandy

I quite enjoy that moment when you’re close to the end of the effort or the ride, and the chaingang/paceline suddenly starts to fragment and become a free for all, and you find out who’s got the legs, who’s struggling, and whether or not you’re following the right wheel.

Probably shouldn’t happen with 50kms to go, however.

I’ve been missing this. All of my miles since November have been either solo rides or commutes. I can only drop my shadow so many times before it doesn’t even come ride with me anymore. I miss the excitement of rolling into the final K, trying to get your placement right, holding the wheel in front at speeds a man simply can’t sustain on his own. Love the winter, but i am looking forward to longer days and warmer evening temperatures that bring everyone together.

You had a shadow in winter? Mine headed off somewhere last autumn and has not been seen since. Having said that he might be back this PM if I can get away from my desk.

It shows its self occasionally on my commute home. It has little regard for Rule 9, probably why i don't see it anymore as most of my rides now fall in line with 9.