Oversharing on the Group Ride

A bunch of new friends rolls along, getting to know one another.

My dog greets every dog on the street as though it were her long lost best friend. As soon as the customary butt-sniffing has been sorted out, the two dogs will wrestle each other endlessly, stopping only after an owner-forced separation. Any human that falls within her gaze is a viable candidate for a new home and they are accordingly inspected with a pit-wiggle (pitbull owners will know what I’m talking about), jumping, bark-speaking, and – if she can get close enough – licking and mouth hugs.

Imagine, for a moment, if adult humans greeted one another in this way.

By and large, adult humans tend to be a fairly antisocial lot. We weren’t born this way, it is a learned behavior. Boys at the playground tend to select their friends based on whether they are approximately the same size, like the same sorts of toys, and whether they appear to be interested in kicking sand on the same group of girls. Girls use a similar but less sand-kicky method of selection. There doesn’t appear to be an enormous amount of personality analysis that goes on; as we grow up, we learn to be guarded towards strangers and to perform a deeper assessment of someone’s personality before we decide whether or not to become friends.

The bicycle is the great neutralizer of this defense, providing an immediate foundational building block of friendship between strangers. Rolling along in a group of near total strangers, the conversation flows easily. But this also presents a risk of oversharing, delving casually into territory that should really be saved for closer friendships. The following are a loose set of guidelines to help keep things classy on the group ride.

Rule #43 holds court over all else. We roadies already have a reputation for being snobby and exclusionary; help break the reputation by being fun and welcoming.
Keep the conversation light and friendly. No politics, no religion except Rule Holism, and, if you are single and have more than two, try not to reveal how many cats you have.
Ask more questions than you answer. No one really cares that you’re getting a liver transplant or that your roommate’s boyfriend is an asshole. Those things should really only come up if the either the liver or the asshole boyfriend did something mean or stupid to someone’s bike.
When in doubt, ask your companion how they find their bike. Ask about any other bikes they might have. Ask about their wheels, their bars, or that embarrassing stack of spacers under their stem. But don’t ask about their saddle bag until you know each other quite a bit better because thems be fightin’ words, believe it or not.
If at any point you find yourself discussing your saddle sore, don’t.

Rinse and repeat the above for every rider in the bunch you find yourself alongside.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Buck Rogers says:

Mar 4 2016 at 6:53 am

@Mikael Liddy

@ChrisO

Fuck being friendly until you know they aren’t going to piss on you, bite you or try to fuck you.

Bloody hell, must be a colourful bunch you roll with in the Emirates if they’re the things you have to worry about!!!

Well, I know that we always extra-secured the wire on Thursday nights when I was in Afghan.
Ron says:

Mar 4 2016 at 7:00 am

Phew, just two cats! I'm safe!!

ChrisO - yup, our pointer is not that interested in other dogs, which I love. The other dog...who was billed as a pointer is interested in dogs. We think she must be terrier/whippet/mini greyhound. She's 29 pounds and a handful. Lovable, but very busy and needs lots of attention. The pointer is extremely well behave, left in the woods and pulled from the "to be killed" line at the shelter, so I guess she feels lucky.

Here is a photo from last week, after a long walk in the woods. Not the unoccupied bed, which is smaller and thus, for the smaller dog...
Ron says:

Mar 4 2016 at 7:05 am
Teocalli says:

Mar 4 2016 at 7:21 am

@Ron

It's dark in them there woods.........
Ron says:

Mar 4 2016 at 7:49 am

Ha, I know. I tried to put up a photo twice. Then I stopped trying. Clearly something is up, maybe the computer I'm on. But, I don't want to put up three posts in a row.

The little one cannot stand being alone. Constant snuggler.
KogaLover says:

Mar 4 2016 at 8:21 am

@Ray

and: KTFU

Kit TFU? Keep TFU!
universo says:

Mar 4 2016 at 9:58 am

Here's a piece ov'oversharing. Ferocious saddle sores have moved in to make themselves at home. I am going to kick these bastards onto the street by changing back to a flat saddle { 2015 sell italia Flite }. They were not entirely invited by the semi-round saddle { 2015 sell sam marco Regal e } but by changing my seat post 20mm setback to zero setback. Zero setback decided it would aggravate the semi-round contour against my ass. Zero stays, flat returns, and ferocious *problems* be gone!
Gianni says:

Mar 4 2016 at 11:25 am

A while back my wife was along our Sunday group ride. She was not a stranger to this group but she was the only female. This ride is not a hardass ride, no pacelines, there are too many hills and sharp corners. It's more of a "catch up on life" ride, but the conversation is almost always about wheels and bikes. At least my conversations are.

So imagine my surprise when I hear my wife say a word perhaps never, ever said in a group ride, "throw rug"! She is behind me talking to someone else and evidently starting a conversation about throw rugs. So I'm already smiling from ear to ear as we shoot through corners and climb out of gulches. Then I hear "Downton Abbey". She is officially killing me now and I have to drop back and see who she trying to talk to. It was rich my friends. These moments don't happen very often in life so you have to enjoy them.
frank says:

Mar 4 2016 at 11:49 am

Better, a few moments later

.
Buck Rogers says:

Mar 4 2016 at 12:50 pm

@frank

Better, a few moments later

.

Man, this is just an amazing photo. Any reason you did not use this one for the lead photo? Just curious.