Oversharing on the Group Ride

A bunch of new friends rolls along, getting to know one another.

My dog greets every dog on the street as though it were her long lost best friend. As soon as the customary butt-sniffing has been sorted out, the two dogs will wrestle each other endlessly, stopping only after an owner-forced separation. Any human that falls within her gaze is a viable candidate for a new home and they are accordingly inspected with a pit-wiggle (pitbull owners will know what I’m talking about), jumping, bark-speaking, and – if she can get close enough – licking and mouth hugs.

Imagine, for a moment, if adult humans greeted one another in this way.

By and large, adult humans tend to be a fairly antisocial lot. We weren’t born this way, it is a learned behavior. Boys at the playground tend to select their friends based on whether they are approximately the same size, like the same sorts of toys, and whether they appear to be interested in kicking sand on the same group of girls. Girls use a similar but less sand-kicky method of selection. There doesn’t appear to be an enormous amount of personality analysis that goes on; as we grow up, we learn to be guarded towards strangers and to perform a deeper assessment of someone’s personality before we decide whether or not to become friends.

The bicycle is the great neutralizer of this defense, providing an immediate foundational building block of friendship between strangers. Rolling along in a group of near total strangers, the conversation flows easily. But this also presents a risk of oversharing, delving casually into territory that should really be saved for closer friendships. The following are a loose set of guidelines to help keep things classy on the group ride.

Rule #43 holds court over all else. We roadies already have a reputation for being snobby and exclusionary; help break the reputation by being fun and welcoming.
Keep the conversation light and friendly. No politics, no religion except Rule Holism, and, if you are single and have more than two, try not to reveal how many cats you have.
Ask more questions than you answer. No one really cares that you’re getting a liver transplant or that your roommate’s boyfriend is an asshole. Those things should really only come up if the either the liver or the asshole boyfriend did something mean or stupid to someone’s bike.
When in doubt, ask your companion how they find their bike. Ask about any other bikes they might have. Ask about their wheels, their bars, or that embarrassing stack of spacers under their stem. But don’t ask about their saddle bag until you know each other quite a bit better because thems be fightin’ words, believe it or not.
If at any point you find yourself discussing your saddle sore, don’t.

Rinse and repeat the above for every rider in the bunch you find yourself alongside.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

The Pressure says:

Mar 4 2016 at 2:09 pm

@Gianni

Throw rugs? Good god man. Our group rides have many discussions but the word 'pishtola' seems to be featured quite often.
Oli says:

Mar 4 2016 at 4:02 pm

Much better.
frank says:

Mar 4 2016 at 10:06 pm

@brett

But yeah, it’s a dog’s breakfast behind!

Totally, right? Dogs breakfast, I'm remembering that. That is some seriously rad turn of phrase. I will have invented it in my own head, before very long I'm sure.
frank says:

Mar 4 2016 at 10:12 pm

@Buck Rogers

@frank

Better, a few moments later

.

Man, this is just an amazing photo. Any reason you did not use this one for the lead photo? Just curious.

I don't know. I'd have to have given a slightly bigger fuck over the composition of the group? And despite the loose group, I like the dynamic of the lead photo - we look like we're all having a good time. Not that we don't in this photo.

In other words, no. No real reason.

Feck.
frank says:

Mar 4 2016 at 10:20 pm

@Gianni

A while back my wife was along our Sunday group ride. She was not a stranger to this group but she was the only female. This ride is not a hardass ride, no pacelines, there are too many hills and sharp corners. It’s more of a “catch up on life” ride, but the conversation is almost always about wheels and bikes. At least my conversations are.

So imagine my surprise when I hear my wife say a word perhaps never, ever said in a group ride, “throw rug”! She is behind me talking to someone else and evidently starting a conversation about throw rugs. So I’m already smiling from ear to ear as we shoot through corners and climb out of gulches. Then I hear “Downton Abbey”. She is officially killing me now and I have to drop back and see who she trying to talk to. It was rich my friends. These moments don’t happen very often in life so you have to enjoy them.

There is not a carat that can quantify the quality of gold that this post is.

You would have the +1 Badge for life if you weren't already a Keeper. FFS.
Rob says:

Mar 5 2016 at 4:08 pm

@Gianni

The little woman gets a pass of course because any subject is fair play for her but god man you have to spill the beans and tell who of the regulars went that Deep with her... throw rug?

I am very guilty of over sharing especially when excited. Since this is my natural state on a bicycle and pretty much everywhere else (cars, hotel rooms etc.), I have had to learn restraint. It is questionable that there has been much progress even at this late date in life. A new word came into my vocabulary recently which, when it pops into my little grey cells mid description of current infatuation, I cut it short and ask a question of the listener.

Talkaholic
bea says:

Mar 6 2016 at 7:36 am

So I'm not the only one who gets to hear too detailed life stories on group rides? What a disappointment! I thought people trusted me...
wiscot says:

Mar 7 2016 at 9:35 am

Would it be considered impolite to ask Frank on a group ride why he sports a mullet? Or are hairstyles in the same category as Downton Abbey and throw hugs in the "not-to-be-discussed" file?
Ron says:

Mar 7 2016 at 11:45 am

Here is some oversharing, wiscot! During my freshman year of college I grew/had a rat tail cut into my long-ish hair, on a dare from a senior. I liked the guy and wanted to show him I wasn't too concerned with what others thought of me. It was a small, $ yankee liberal arts college, so I was quite the sight on the academic quad with that hair and my hi viz sweatshirt, stained with diesel, from my summer working on the highway department road crew.

I got all sorts of heckling from opposing teams and fans for that 'do. It was pretty amusing. As if some fatass frat dude in the stands was going to hurt my feelings saying my hair looked like shite.
wiscot says:

Mar 7 2016 at 12:27 pm

@wiscot

Throw rugs, not throw hugs.