Sur La Plaque: Rule #33
We’re heaping coals on the Giro frenzy that’s burning in all corners of the Cycling world by issuing the second installment of the monthly BigRingRiding Sur la Plaque series while at the same time kicking off the Six Days of the Giro series where we’ll post six articles on the subject of this, the best Grand Tour of the year.
Yours in Cycling, Frank
IT’S GIRO TIME, IT’S SPRING. COME CORRECT ON Rule #33 PEOPLE, OR YOU’RE LETTING THE FUCKING SIDE DOWN. GINO AND FAUSTO WOULD NOT BE HAPPY.
I shave by scraping a brick down my legs until all the hair is gone or I can’t see any hair for the blood. Rather than use some fancy smelly ointment to sooth the shave I just get my wolf to bite me in the face to take my mind off it. Once I’m done I ride 500km to my work as a lumberjack.
@ChrisO
Yep, that’s my plan as well. I don’t think she can resist for long, and I know she’ll give in eventually. It takes two to tango, after all.
@PeakInTwoYears
Nice, I like that plan, I’m just not sure if she’ll even let me get away with ‘for big races only’ – the reaction so far has been quite definite on any future shaving activity – or the lack thereof.
No-one ever said the life of the Velominati was an easy one.
@Fausto
Well. If she’s really being such a dictatorial pragmatical creature, I must agree with @ChrisO and (with all respect and in a spirit of good will) suggest that you grow a pair and shave your fucking legs. At some point, it ceases to be about leg hair, and if she can dictate your personal grooming practices now, just wait and see how much sway she’ll have once you’ve bred with her. I could tell you stories, from experience, that would make the rest of your hair fall right out from sheer terror.
@Fausto I got the same response from Mrs Chris when I first went Rule #33 compliant. I’ve got more velominippers than is is strictly necessary so she was in a strong position. A withholding notice was issued and I complied with that instead.
The guns were glorious for a few brief days.
I’m now compliant. No complaints from the VH whatsoever. Now I need sun.
It’s an interesting business, this VMH/Rule #33 topic. Been married twice, got lots of static from the first wife about various things but never about Rule #33. Current and final and perfect spouse digs the aesthetic and likes the guns compliant. Just lucky, I guess.
My only hesitation about regaining compliance was my lack of fitness when I got back on the bike at a certain age. Fat guns = /gag/. But I took the hint, here, and let compliance motivate me to earn the silky smoothness. Making steady progress and hit my weight goal for the end of April.
@JACD214 Yes, now for the cultivation of this year’s tan lines.
I get to go out on the bike for hours any day I like, go climbing in the Alps, jump off cliffs with the paraglider, dissapear for days at a time in the hills, but M. Strathlubnaig draws a line in the sand at #33 for some reason. UN peacekeeping troops would need to be dropped in I suspect.
Anyway, shaved legs dont look so good with a kilt, and summer only lasts a week or two here besides.
@strathlubnaig Ha, I made sure I stopped shaving before my brother’s wedding, kilts need hairy legs.
@strathlubnaig
There are many things that I wish I could pull off but could never. A kilt is right up there near the top of the list. (Yeah, that would inflect the Rule #33 question substantially.) Kilts and pipes make me almost believe in past lives. Here I am a wee puny descendant of French and Italians, but the sound of the pipes makes me want to swing a claymore through somebody’s brains. It’s a sad mystery.
There is an entry for this in the Wookieepedia:
http://wookieepedia.org/w/Wookieepedia
@PeakInTwoYears
more than 20 years of playing Judo at national and international levels all all the heavy weight work goes with it. The sport involves explosive twisting movement against strongly resisting opponents.
@Fausto
What’s good for the goose is good for the gander! Agree to ignore Rule #33 only if she does so too. Fem vanity and social compliance combined with approbation by her coffee club or knitting group or patchwork compatriots or which ever underground group she is involved with will assure your victory.
@PeakInTwoYears , @DocBrian
It was growing a pair and shaving them that got me into this bother! I’ve tried the Mutually Assured Destruction route of suggesting she doesn’t shave her legs, but frankly I find the idea as repugnant as she finds my sleek pins, so that’s not gonna work either. As for her getting comments from any Mothers’ meetings, knitting circles etc. – unlikely. She would no more attend those than grow a second head. She’s more likely to be found out on her sports bike, or for that matter, her road bike than drinking coffee and swapping gossip.
The annoying thing is that my VMH is completely awesome, lets me get away with all kinds of nonsense and has put up with me doing a lot of crazy stuff over the years. Shaving my legs just happens to be crossing the line I never knew existed.
I may just opt for the middle ground and keep them trimmed to a non-wookie length and claim they’re growing back reeeeally sloooowly.
@Fausto
I take your point. A good fem is hard to find, so it is worthwhile avoiding the issue rather than strictly adhering to Rule #33.
@Fausto
You’re not supposed to shave your pendejos off your cojones! (As Queen Isabella reportedly told Columbus.) No wonder people are asking how far up to shave! Are we cyclists or porn stars, for god’s sake? Ah, well, you’ll do what you think is best, no doubt. As for me, today, I’m off for 165kms with my smooth guns exposed to the warm sunshine.
@DocBrian In that case, I will try to avoid giving you the opportunity to throw me.
OK, for the record, my spending an extra 10 minutes in the shower in Rule #33 efforts is generally acceptable, but then getting out and dumping Rogaine all over my head is fucked up. It’s like fucking your sister: sure, she’s got a blouse full of goodies, and she’s a great piece of tail…but it’s just wrong.
I caught up to a fella on a try-bike today with some of the fluffiest legs I’ve seen in a while. I thought those guys shaved everything.
@eightzero
Am I the only one that doesn’t understand the application of this metaphor, in this instance? I get it that the willful loss of something in one place you wish you had elsewhere could be seen as fucked up, but I don’t get the incest jest. Can you please ‘splain?
I’d be a hairy bastard if I grew out the leg fur. Luckily, the VMH complains in the winter months when I may go a week or so without running a razor over them. I’ve now been doing it so long (~20 years) that the thought of having said fur flapping in the breeze on a ride, kinda repulses me.
For those of you that aren’t “allowed” to, maybe get your MD to write a order for you to do it (bring him a nice bottle of booze, they like that). Then it’s “honey, I’m just following doctors orders, and we know how important that is right?”.
I must confess that I fail to obey Rule #33 about 30% of the time. Furthermore I must confess that at the moment of this post I am currently in violation of Rule #33. I am able to marginally justify shaving to my spouse during shorts season but during the cold months it is not tolerated well. I counter in the spring by doing an initial foray into Rule compliance by using an electric shaver to knock down the really tall grass which not only gradually helps my spouse adjust but keeps my bath drain from looking like I stuffed a wig down it. I maintain this length through out knee warmer season and only go for the final clean up when the weather conditions dictate, which they just have, so I will once again be in full compliance with Rule #33 within the hour.
I shave all year, too long and it just feels weird all the time.
Lets talk technique: The hair at the bottom of my hamstrings grows up (opposite everything else). Going the same direction as I do for the rest of the guns (with the grain in this spot) results in the hair getting missed a lot. Going against the grain there causes lots of irritation when I am wearing pents. What to do?
@DerHoggz Laser removal ? Then you don’t have to worry about it so much.
@DerHoggz
Are you moisturizing afterwords? I get irritation if I don’t put lotion on after I shower.
Reverence:
Spring is gesprongen in het great Pacific Northwest bitches. What a gorgeous day on Whidbey Island.
FYI – I have some pale Irish bastards in part of my lineage, thus, skin problems via Ra. This means the Velomissus really gets on me about wearing sunblock.
For anyone facing VMH persecution for Rule compliance do not say “It’s because it’s in the Rules.” Instead say, “Baby, I want to protect my skin and body so I’m around a long time to be with you. Smooth legs make applying sunblock much, much easier.”
If she tries to bring up the spray block say it’s far more expensive than lotion, and that’s money wasted that could be spent on dates (when you really mean a new Deda seat pillar).
@PeakInTwoYears
Is that a goddamn Croc I spot? SERIOUS violation.
Ugg boots, bullshit Tom slipper shoes, Rollie Skate shoes, flip flops on fatarses with Double-Wide feet, sorority floozies in knee-high rubber boots because it rained yesterday, and those fucking shoes that are supposed to make your ass less jiggly because they have rounded soles are all totally fucked up.
The lot of “in” BS shoes these days remind me of Kramer wearing the calf-training shoes. I’d rather be seen in those than the rest of ’em.
@DerHoggz
Observe Rule #5 I’d say.
I have self-shaving legs, and arms too for that matter. It’s like I’ve evolved right out of hair in those locations, or I was simply born to observe at least one of The Rules.
@mcsqueak
Yeah, its pretty decent stuff. Its made in Poland which makes me wonder if its knocked out by the same dudeski’s that are making the new V-kit. I’d say the jersey sizing is fairly generous so if you are in-between you may want to go down a size not up, the shorts sizing (for me) were spot on.
They are based where I live and were set up by a couple of local riders so the LBS stocks it but I note they are doing free worldwide shipping. If the exchange rate rate works out well you might want to consider that:
http://www.morvelo.com/shipping-policy If you want to double check sizing drop them a line and I’m sure they’ll give you some personal advice.
I am fairly new to road biking. How do you know that it’s time to no longer ride with hairy legs? Do you need to be at a certain level before you start doing that, because shaving your legs shows a certain amount of commitment? Is there a certain speed or mileage which can be a good indicator?
@roxtar
The very fact that you are asking means it is time to try it.
@motor city
Picked up a pair of the shorts. I’m impressed – same quality as bibs twice the price. I also like the Classic (the ones in the picture posted by @motor city). Black, black, and more black. Hard to find basic black and quality at the same time with other brands. In my experience, most other brands save the “good quality” for the “billboard” shorts and cheap out on the ones with basic or no graphics. Thanks for the lead.