Sur La Plaque: Rule #33
We’re heaping coals on the Giro frenzy that’s burning in all corners of the Cycling world by issuing the second installment of the monthly BigRingRiding Sur la Plaque series while at the same time kicking off the Six Days of the Giro series where we’ll post six articles on the subject of this, the best Grand Tour of the year.
Yours in Cycling, Frank
IT’S GIRO TIME, IT’S SPRING. COME CORRECT ON Rule #33 PEOPLE, OR YOU’RE LETTING THE FUCKING SIDE DOWN. GINO AND FAUSTO WOULD NOT BE HAPPY.
Sur le Plaque, en effet!!!
+1 Frank! Rule #33!
I am struggling today. I am announcing the winner of our little FB contest on the shop page and while the entire all-star all-time Team Paniagua p/b Cafe Roubaix is near ready for its official presentation, I am one cyclist short. I need one more master of the V to represent all that is great in our sport and I have come to blank for the “Management” selection. The team consists of the following, as voted on FB by our fans:
DS – Marc Madiot
Team – The Prophet, Major Taylor, Edwig Van Hooydonck, Christophe Bassons, Ryder Hesjedal, Jens, Faboo, and Sean Kelly.
I have narrowed my general manager selection to this short list:
De Vleaminck, Bauer, Coppi, Bartali, Pantani, Magni, Kupier, The Badger, Fignon, LeMan.
Fuck me with chopsticks…
All damn year is the right time to be correct on Rule #33. End of.
Ha.
Just did the guns this morning in preparation for a self-supported century this beautiful weekend in the PNW. I may be an old fat little fucker, but by god I’ll look as fantastic as I can.
Ok, ok – if one is to truly enter the order of the Velominati and become Rule #33 compliant, where does one, ahem, stop?
Stop at the eyebrows.
@mcsqueak
Correct good sir!
Bugger!
@Asyax
Became compliant for the first time in 30 years of pushing pedals, this summer, take it slowly until you reach a height you are comfortable with, start with just above your tan line. It’s a high maintenance game for some of us but I haven’t had results as good in a long time and against Lycra it just looks right.
Life just makes more sense when you are Rule #33 compliant.
@piwakawaka yep, nothing worse than having hairs poking through the bibs. Just shows disrespect.
In fact, there should be some lexicon term for such a look – I’m just not creative enough at the moment to propose one.
@Asyax
Don’t listen to @mcsqueak or @piwakawaka.
The standard is “You’re shaving your legs. Stop where your legs stop”. Shave more if it floats your boat but such endeavours have nothing to do with #33. Do not stop just above the tan line. This results in the dreaded wookiee shorts look which has been known to frighten wives, small children and people of the trees everywhere.
@harminator
Agreed…one does not sport the “hairy boxers”
Think about where you might contract road rash. If you have a rash where your thighs meet your ball sack (“baw sack” in Glaswegian), that is not road rash and there is no need to shave there. Up the outside of the leg to the glutes? Affirmative.
First properly hot day in the UK today since last Autumn. These chickens need some sun.
Doesn’t matter how hard I try I always miss a spot, usually at the bottom of hamstring
@mcsqueak
Correct answer. Plus one badge to you matey!
@motor city
How do you like the Morvelo stuff? I’ve been running across it on the internet a bit recently, but never seen it here in person.
@PeakInTwoYears
Are you upholding the “I do it for crashing” line?
I do it because it looks fantastic. The “real” reason is for massage, which I bet none of us get.
i wrote an article on this for Cyclist – I prefer to blend into the rest of my bodyscaping, but its your call. I’m also not very hairy.
Just for fucks sake do your feet and toes too.
and dont any of you bastards start posting pictures of manscaping into a V sign
A Norelco Bodygroom Pro and some Baxter razor bump gel is my secret sauce.
Classic Rule #33 compliance!
@sthilzy
@frank
Not really, no. I also am motivated in this by aesthetics. Hence, my initial remark above:
The later remark is just a holdover from my youth, when I was insecure enough to want a justification for the practice in general and, specifically, a rationale (any rationale) for where to stop cutting; now it’s just force of habit to think in those terms. But, of course, habits can be silly.
@frank
I living in Asia, I am blessed by being able to get a regular cheap massage ( just avoid anything titled volcano massage….). I find in does make the massage a bit smoother but the difference is limited. I think it just looks good on a bike……..
The big downside however is that coz its alway hot here, I always wear shorts and have to put up the constant questions about my sexuality……..
My enduring complaint about Rule #33 is that the BFGs are so damn big that by the time I’ve finished shaving the second one, the first one isn’t compliant anymore.
SO FUCKING DOPE!
I am still all fired up from the Casually Deliberate photo on BigRingRiding from a few weeks back. They’re better be workin’ it smooth, or else…
Don’t let the side down, Followers. DON’T!
Thanks for the 2nd installment BRR.
@Steampunk
I envy you your T-levels. However you came by them…
@Steampunk
Dude, that’s why you were born with two hands.
@PeakInTwoYears
I’m partly Rule #33 compliant after an inguinal hernia op.
It looks all kinds of awesome, and you get to exhibit the war wounds.
Remember, as Kanuanua says, chicks dig scars
Don’t quite know what bizarre recreational pastime these chaps are participating in though
@Dan_R
Since you are looking for someone as boss, why not The Boss, Rik Van Steenbergen. Seems to be an obvious choice for the shop.
lycra shorts and hairy legs look terrible. I may not be completely compliant with every rule, but this is a biggie for me. And as far as someone questioning your sexuality, that is there issue not yours.
This is an unbreakable one for me. Even if injured and on enforced rest, Rule #33 compliance is a must.
@Mike_P that is when it is most vital, serving as a nice visual cue that though they may not be loaded, the guns are still there for firing.
@Mike_P
Opps. I tend to hibernate during winter (Melbourne) as long leg warmers hide my laziness to Rule #33.
Bugger – breaking Rule #33 also breaks Rule #1 and Rule #2.
Off to the naughty corner for me
.
@sthilzy
My brother did the first computer survey and analysis of pollution in your old muddy Yarrah River, back in the early ’70s. Obviously he missed the dioxins etc that your parents must have ingested. We, of a different species, in the more temperate north, have less of a need to comply frequently with Rule #33. Do you use mechanical shears? Or do you persist with the classical Gillett blade?
Do you know that you could sell the off cuts of that luxuriant growth for mucho moula for use in stuffed toys?
@DocBrian
Having given the usual Nsalut attraction to Vic, I will be there,mistaking at my brothers innHigh Street Road (opposite the college) in Oct for the “LEGEND.”
Spellcheck errors above: Read “Nsalut” as “salute”. Read “mistaking” as “staying.” Read “innHigh” as “in High” . Damn the spellcheck!
@DocBrian
Actually yes! When coming out of hibernation use electric clippers followed by a Gillette Mach 3 blade. Use foam followed by Nivea, or Palmers cocoa butter
@sthilzy
Great work. Might run into you Ding to. Doing the 100 from Sorrento. Mainly because my young nephew is doing it for the first time and I want to ride with him. A great event. Kudos, Melbourne.
The “Ding” of course is the Around the Bay. Spell bug strikes again! Would have done the 250, but want to ride withe my newbie nephew.
It seems I have a problem here, advice from the Keepers required please!
Despite being a life-long Rule #33 dodger (for which read MTBer), I took our recent sunny training camp as the perfect time to become fully rule compliant. The guns looked great after 2 weeks of hills, sun and Rule #5, so imagine my surprise when my lovely and normally very understanding (and God knows I’ve put her through a lot!) VMH voiced her displeasure, bordering on disgust. Who knew that she has ‘a thing’ for my hairy pins? After 10 years together, I certainly didn’t. Anyway, Rule #33 compliance has been expressly forbidden to the point of threatening witholding certain… services. Considering she really wants a Velominipper, the threat is a serious one. I’ve tried everything including crashing to prove that bandages stick better (unintentional, got wiped out in a crit, but the scuffs and scrapes need covering) but the stance remains firm. So how should I get round this? I don’t want Rule #33 dispensation, I’d rather be smooth and sleek, but I’m struggling to find a way around this one.
Over to the Velomihierarchy!
@Fausto
So SHE wants the Velonipper… as far as I recall, that requires your involvement, Rule #33 compliant or not. Call her bluff.
My Velomissus was also opposed to shaving my legs but I just did it, and she had the grace not to complain afterwards. Though she still looks a little uncomfortable when I tell her I took so long in the bathroom because I was shaving.
Been on some job interviews lately, and I ensure that I’m fully compliant the morning before each one. It puts me in fighting form for the day, ready to slay the dragons both on and off the road.
@DocBrian
Ow. Why were you lifting heavy things? Heal quickly.
@Fausto
Exposure therapy.
If she’s phobic about it, help her to heal. Be “reasonable” with her, “compromise,” and shave only before “big events.” Over time, as gradually gets over her response, the “big events” can come more and more frequently, until they consist of your daily rides…