Categories: Awesome German GuysBreaking The RulesEtiquetteLook Pro

The All-Red Onesie

Even Kittel can't make this work.

When it comes to personal style and charisma, Marcel Kittel is at the top of the food chain. Only a certain kind of genius admits on live television that the most stressful thing about racing a Grand Tour is having your hair gel confiscated by airport security. He also clearly has a mystical, Samsonesque power to his hair; off comes his helmet and his hair is as perfect as it was during the pre-race interview. The only other person I know who can wear a helmet all day and still have dreamy hair is Kylo Ren, but he obviously uses the power of the Dark Side to cultivate that talent. I don’t know what Marcel’s trick is.

Marcel is also blessed with the sort of devilish good looks that would make you hate him a little bit if he didn’t seem so damn mischievously fun to be around. Besides his perfect blond hair, the rotten little charmer has eyes the color of glacial pools and the sort of smile that makes women’s knees buckle involuntarily; everywhere he goes, women bob around like gas station windsock dancers.

He even makes the Etixx-QuickStep team kit look good, which is quite the accomplishment given that the only thing uglier than the Etixx-QuickStep team kit is the Astana team kit. Ain’t nobody can make that turquoise strip look good so long as Mario Cipollini doesn’t come out of retirement just to give it the old college try.

No matter how good you are at looking good, some things simply can’t be done because some things – like, say, wearing an all-red spandex onesie, makes you look like you are smuggling satsumas from the Netherlands into Italy.

So kids, listen to Keeper Frank: say no to drugs and don’t try to pull off the all-red onesie; leave that to the professionals. Actually, no. Don’t leave it to the professionals, either. Let’s not leave it to anyone. Please stop. Everyone. No more onesies in any color other than black. Please. For the children.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

ChrisO says:

May 10 2016 at 5:42 am

It's not the onesie or the skinsuit that offends, it's that it is just all red.

If it had a bit of variation, like black where the shorts would be, then it would be OK.

Oh god, does this mean he's going to be in a pink skinsuit today? He'll look like a newborn puppy.
mulebeatsdrums says:

May 10 2016 at 5:46 am

@frank

He even makes the Etixx-QuickStep team kit look good, which is quite the accomplishment given that the only thing uglier than the Etixx-QuickStep team kit is the Astana team kit.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't stand this year's Etixx kit. It's a shame, as the OPQS/EQS kits the last few years have been moderately tasteful. As well as Astana, I'd also add the inexorably hideous AG2R (mmm…teal and brown) and Lampre (just why?!) to that list.

The title photograph of this piece has Herr Greipel in the background, sporting the Lotto Soudal kit, which I think is the smartest-looking in both the men's and women's pelotons at present.

@fignons barber

A red onesie and 2 wheels? In my book, there is only one individual who can rock the look…

I saw this as I scrolled down and laughed so hard my coffee went up my nose. More painful than you'd imagine.
Buck Rogers says:

May 10 2016 at 5:51 am

Could be worse. At least it is not an all pink onesie (but I am with Oli here--just wear the Maglia Rosa and try to have some class and act like you've been there before)
Buck Rogers says:

May 10 2016 at 6:09 am

Here's Big Mig showing how to do it with class.

Just the jersey; no pink highlights, no pink tape, no pink at all except the jersey.

That Dude just exuded smoooooth.
Teocalli says:

May 10 2016 at 6:50 am

@Buck Rogers

Could be worse. At least it is not an all pink onesie (but I am with Oli here–just wear the Maglia Rosa and try to have some class and act like you’ve been there before)

Seems like the Red Onesie is infectious though.
Teocalli says:

May 10 2016 at 6:51 am

@Buck Rogers

I should have added - Especially when you only have it by default.
KogaLover says:

May 10 2016 at 7:59 am

@fignons barber

Hilarious. Emoticons would fall short to describe the reaction. Hey, nowadays with all the sponsorships that are going on, the pros do look like teletubbies wired up with radioconnections.

@Oli

Yup, I am with you that only the last day, one should consider to be flaunting pink. Although the yellow last year on Froomies bike still hurt my eyes (when his rearskewer converted into garbage collector). I mean think about it, the mechanics are busy enough every day to keep the bikes into shape and then they have to change bartape again, since Dumoulin only had pink bartape on the last day he wore the pink jersey.
KogaLover says:

May 10 2016 at 8:16 am

@Teocalli

@Buck Rogers

I should have added – Especially when you only have it by default.

Pardon my french, the guy in red looks like Sagan but he's not with Sky? So must be Elia Viviani since Kittel is already wearing pink and Tjallingii already wearing blue. Reminds me that who wears the maglia nera actually really earned it.
KogaLover says:

May 10 2016 at 8:47 am

Dumoulin back into pink. Kittel 8m 2s behind, ranking 95th
BacklashJack says:

May 10 2016 at 9:26 am

That suit makes Ivan Drago look like goddamn Elmo. Skinsuits on the road are just awful.

They're one of the several reasons why I find Bouhanni impossible to support. (Also included in those reasons are his love of slamming his bike to the ground and having a hobby that involves arm strength.)